


A Tragedy Told In Metals: Copper & Arsenic

by cronaisawriter



Series: A Tragedy Told In Metals [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Rewrite, Chronic Illness, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eating Disorders, F/M, Female Tony Stark, Iron Man 2, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Post-Iron Man 1, Post-Iron Man 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Harassment, T'Challa (Marvel) Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Has Issues, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 62,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22214332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cronaisawriter/pseuds/cronaisawriter
Summary: Living through having her heart pulled out had left Toni exhausted with ashes on her wings. Even as she tries to just survive the universe has more to throw at the newly crowned Iron Queen.I suggest reading part 1 (Gold & lead)Aiming to update every monthYoutube Playlist LInkSpotify LinkBlog For This Story
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Toni Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: A Tragedy Told In Metals [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1346422
Comments: 29
Kudos: 120





	1. Poison

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my lovely betta Artisan03
> 
> CW: chronic illness, mild injuries
> 
> Songs: 1-3
> 
> [Youtube Playlist LInk](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [ Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)

Toni drummed her fingers on her desk watching the chemical formulas for different filaments swirling in front of her eyes. And then what she was almost positive would happen, happened: a red marker reading “failure” blinked in front of her. She dropped her sweaty head on the cool surface of her desk.

“We can keep trying,” JARVIS said.

“Yeah,” Toni muttered.

The formulas, graphs and test results continued to mock her from the screen and Toni sighed. She felt tired but grabbed the stupid chlorophyll shake and downed it. The disgusting drinks were meant to slow the poison. She was going through the motions, pretending this wasn’t as bad as it was. Just pushing through, she wasn’t dying, absolutely not. Except she was and had been since, well, probably since forever, but this particular threat had started the day she survived. It was horribly ironic that the stupid glowing light in her chest, which had saved her life, was now slowly killing her.

That level of irony was honestly funny but she was laughed out. Now it just left a bitter taste in her mouth along with the smoothie. Toni ran her hands along the hardened veins on her chest. The brittle feeling made her feel slightly ill, but that might just be part of the constant nausea she was going through. 

Toni was really only going through the motions now. She had already finished writing her will The money was split four ways between charity, Rhodey, Happy and Pepper. Stark Industries went to Pepper. Rhodey got the suits, JARVIS’s mainframe and the Bots. Happy had his choice of cars. Properties, expensive stuff she had and shares of SI would just be split between her friends. Rhodey’s family also got some shares of the company to set them up past the cash Rhodey had. 

Toni had it all planned out, it wasn’t guess work. The business had to go to Pepper, she was the only one Toni trusted to not turn Stark Industries back into a weapons company. Rhodey was the only person she would trust in a million years to take care of the Bots and JARVIS with the love they deserve, and, well, he did get the suits; he was the only one who could figure out how to use them if necessary. 

“Toni!” Pepper said walking into the lab, her high heels clipping along the floor.

“Yes, Pep?” Toni re-buttoned the top button on her shirt before she spun to face Pepper. 

“You returned these forms to me.” Pepper brought up a form on her Stark pad.

“Yeah I did, my signature is there and everything,” Toni replied pointing at the screen

“You signed this page, and the last one but there were a bunch of signature lines between them.”

“Oh,” Toni said with a sigh. 

“This is like the fifth time you've done something like this. All of your work is like you’re trying to do it in your sleep.”

“I’m really not Pepper I’m just, ya know, tired. I’ve been busy with SI, and the Iron Queen and just like sleeping and life things.”

Peppers deep suck of breath at the words ‘Iron Queen’ did not go missed by Toni who directed her eyes away from the other woman. 

“Well, you can’t leave me to do everything just because you want to fly around in your metal toys. It’s your company and half-done work, late reports, and missed meetings just aren’t fair to everyone else.”

“They aren’t toys. None of this is a game!” Toni shot back.

“Nor is your company! At least not to me, you’re the CEO and no one else is here to do your work for you anymore.”

Toni ground her teeth together as an image of the men who had run the company before filled her mind for a moment. She breathed out, steadying the immediate way her hands shook just thinking about them. 

“I know that, okay? I do.”

Pepper sat heavily into the couch and looked to the side, her fingers resting on her lips. She shook her head softly, “I know you’ve been through a lot lately and all. But I’m being the CEO right now.”

A switched flipped into Toni’s head. Why not make Pepper CEO? It was her plan after she died anyway. Toni looked up, “Why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Toni stood up, she grabbed a long piece of scrap metal from her table. 

“Ta’ da you’re the new Stark Industries CEO” Toni mimed knighting her.

“Haha, this is important Toni,” Pepper said sliding the scrap from her shoulder.

“I thought we established we weren’t joking tonight.” 

“Are you serious?”

“Deathly.”

“Well umm, I think we should have the actual paperwork done up.”

“Sure, yeah, we can do that.” Toni nodded.

“Toni,” Pepper said in that “I’m about to say or ask you something you don’t want to answer” tone of voice.

“Yeah?” Toni replied exhausted

“I’m still going to need you to do some work though. You still own Stark Industries, and I assume you will want to continue working on product development.”

“Yeah, I know that. But now you don’t have to do two jobs anymore. You’re the only person I would ever trust with SI anyway. You’re better for the job anyway; you have the degree, the attention span and people skills.”

“Thanks, Toni. Can you still sign this though?” Pepper pointed to the tablet on the table.

“Sure, right.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni was laying on her couch with ice on her knee, shoulder and head all at once. A particularly bad day of “Iron-Queening” had left her feeling really banged up. Everything hurt, but Toni almost didn’t mind. She was used to being in pain and destroying the Stark weapons cache was something worth getting hurt for anyway. Plus, she actually remembered how she got these injuries, which was cool. 

“Ms. Toni, Ms. Potts and an unknown woman are at the door.”

“She armed or suspicious or anything?” Toni said sitting up slowly.

“Not on first scan.”

“Alright let them in.”

Toni sat all the way up and kicked an empty beer bottle under the couch and blinked till her vision cleared up. Pepper was trailed by a woman around her age with bright red hair and light skin. 

“Toni, how are you?” Pepper asked.

“Peachy, all these ice packs are for fun!” Toni snarked.

Pepper sighed and rolled her eyes, “JARVIS and the legal department drew up the papers to change Stark industry’s CEO.”

“That's good, but who is she?” Toni pointed to the new lady.

“This is Natalie Rushman. She is going to be your new PA.”

“You're CEO shouldn’t you have one?”

“Oh I will I’m still looking for one suitable. I think you need one or you will never get anything done on time.”

“Hey, JARVIS reminds me of stuff.”

“JARVIS is soft on you.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Yes he is. He's almost as bad as Rhodey.”

Toni sighed. 

Natalie walked forward and tried to hand Toni what she assumed were the papers from the legal team. But even if she rationally knew what it was she still flinched back. 

“I don’t like being handed things.” Toni explained, “Can you put it on the table?”

“Oh. Yes ma'am,” Natalie said placing it down.

“Oh yuck, just call me Toni. We’re like the same age.” Toni leaned forward and signed the papers, and smiled at Pepper. “Now you're the boss.”

“I’m the boss?” She said returning Toni’s smile, which much to Toni’s annoyance made her stomach swoop. Apparently, that crush she had was not going away and it was really frustrating. 

“Yup. Can you stay for dinner?”

“What are you ordering?”

“Actually I’m trying to learn to cook. So I'll make some Pasta. Apparently, cooking is a good skill to reintegrate into life, connecting with the body something, something.” Toni waved her hand as she walked stiffly into the kitchen. 

“JARVIS better make sure you don’t burn the water,” Pepper said 

Toni shook her head. It was quick work to make spaghetti, not something hard to do. Having Pepper with her made it more enjoyable, though. While Toni was working on making the pasta, she watched Natalie from the corner of her eyes. Something was off with her. Even with a permanently distracted state of mind, Toni could clock signs of Natalie not being what she seemed. 

She was really stiff, unnaturally, so. Most people would be really fidgety when in a new place. She didn’t look uncomfortable, per se, and she wasn't so comfortable that it seemed like she had no emotions at all. Natalie just seemed...chill. Toni decided to test Natalie. Was it nice? Probably not, but she needed to figure out what was going on. 

“So, Natalie, where are you from?” Toni asked.

“Ashland Oregon.”

“I’ve only been to Portland. Do you have any siblings?”

“No, I’m an only child like you. I’m not really close to my family.”

“That sucks. But friends are so much better than family, if your family’s shit.”

“I just moved here so I’m not close with anyone yet.”

“Well this is kind of a crazy place to meet people but the parties are still really fun.”

“Ah, partying hasn’t been my thing recently.”

“Recently? So was there a time it was?”

“Well, I had a bit of wild stage in high school and college. But I got my head back on straight at the end of college. I had to make sure to get good enough grades in class to get a job like this. ”

“What was your poison of choice?”

“Rum, weed the usual stuff”

Toni traced her eyes over Natalie, there hadn’t been enough pause, hadn’t been enough shame. She did smile, though, and lean into the table. Gave Toni a bright smile. It was charming, and she was for sure hot, but Toni knew fake people, had lived with them. 

After eating Toni sucked in a large breath. It was time to enact the next part of her plan. 

“Hey, can I show you something in the lab?” Toni asked.

“Sure. Visiting the lab is always a mix of cool and a disaster” Pepper said, turning to Natalie who shrugged and slid off the chair. 

Down in the lab, Toni sat in her chair glanced behind her. Both women were watching her expectantly. Toni clicked on the keyboard and the design for her next Stark Pad came up. 

“In between my Iron Queen life and having to go to your meetings I actually finished this design.” Pepper walked forward and slid through the specs on the screen. While Pepper was looking away, Toni kicked her foot under the table and caused a pile of stacked up raw material and tools crash to the ground. Pepper jumped and yelped like any normal person should. Toni watched Natalie closely as the redhead also quietly jumped, and then quickly assumed a fighting stance. Natalie’s eyes snapped around the whole room, not to the site of the crash. Yeah, she wasn’t someone ex-party girl PA. 

Great, someone was in her house who was lying to her about, well, maybe about everything. Why did people keep making her life so fucking complicated?


	2. It's Complicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta Artisan03   
> CW: past child sexual abuse, past child abuse, vomiting, panic attacks
> 
> Songs:4-8  
>  [Youtube Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0ppl)

Toni jumped awake, her heart beating in her chest a million miles an hour. She glanced around to find what was attacking her, but she wasn't even sure what to look for. The racing calmed down as her eyes and mind adjusted to being awake, and she saw Rhodey standing in her room. 

“Rhodey bear!” Toni pushed herself up “Why are you trying to kill me?”

“Not kill you, just wake you up,” Rhodey said, sitting next to her on the bed

“You weren’t supposed to be coming today. Right?”

“No, but I was sent to give you this.”

Toni took a manila envelope from Rhodey and squinted at the writing in the dim light of her bedroom. Toi’s mouth ran dry at the words. 

“They want my armour this bad,” Toni muttered.

“Well, yeah.”

“They can’t have it. I told them that months ago.”

“The US military is not big on the word ‘no’”

“I’m aware. “ Toni said through gritted teeth

“Look, I tried to tell them off, but I’m not exactly in a position to be telling the top brass what to do. Not to mention I’m known as a biased party.”

“I really don’t want to go in front of Congress.”

“They can subpoena people.”

“I know. But I’m just mad they think they have a right to my things. They are my things, what the fuck do they think they’re gonna do with it? They can’t even get their drones to shoot straight, they think they can understand the Iron Queen?”

“ I’m pretty sure they want to blow stuff up, they don’t care about understanding the tech. Not to mention this would bring Stark Industries back under the thumb of the military.

“Iron Queen has JARVIS built into it, no one knows about him.”

“Look I’m not saying give ‘em the full suit. But you do have to come to the meeting. For me?”

“Fine, whatever,” Toni grumbled. 

“Thanks, baby girl.” Rhodey kissed the top of her head.

##  ~~~~~

Toni was in her most official looking clothes, sitting on the stupid bench and being followed by both celebrity paparazzi and political news junkies. This is what always happens, everyone has to have an opinion. Having Happy and Rhodey backing her was nice; they made sure no creeps were right behind her. Rhodey gave her a reassuring smile from across the aisle. Toni just rolled her eyes back.

The Senators filed in, and Toni's stomach flopped when she spotted Stern amongst the assembled blowhards. The irritation she’d been carrying turned into thick repulsion. 

The stupid hearing was called to start and Toni squeezed the edge of the seat hard to keep herself in the moment. 

“Ms. Stark, we have called this hearing to discuss the matter of the weapon you call the Iron Queen armour. Do you understand?” Senator Williams, the head of the committee. 

A spike of annoyance cut through the inky depths of shame and fear at his condescending tone “It’s not a weapon.” 

“Then what is it, exactly?

“As you said, it’s armour. Not just some bomb or gun.”

A new Senator spoke, “We recognize it’s a complex weapon. Which is why we need it, this kind of tech could be so effective in the hands of people who have the ability to regulate it.”

“You don’t know how to regulate it-- also, since I’m the only one with it, isn't it already regulated?”

“Right now you’re the only one, but other people are already trying to replicate your weapon.”

A video of poor copies of her tech played over. The Senators listed the countries imitating her. None of them even had the repulsor tech to get the suits into flight. Not to mention none of them had a proper reactor; their poor copies of her arc reactor were dying before they could even get the first shot off.

“None of those people are even close to what I’ve made. Those aren’t a threat to anyone.”

“Right now none of them are. But you owe it to your country to allow us to have the tech to protect people. It’s what SI has been known to do, both Obadiah Stane and your father understood that. Your company has a history of patriotism, it would be a shame to let them down. ”

Toni glared at them. She stole a glance of Rhodey who had an expression that read “Oh fuck” and Toni took a deep breath.

“No, you see, I don't owe you anything. I said no more weapons sales and I meant it, and Iron Queen isn’t even Stark Industries property. I’ve been spending the last months giving back by protecting people and cleaning up the messes that Stark Industries has created, thanks to me and those men that you hold in such high esteem. By not giving it to you or anyone else, I'm already protecting people,” Toni said, her tone as measured as possible. 

“But you have no right to monopolize this tech. A civilian shouldn’t have this power, especially not someone with your record of irresponsibility. Those suits are dangerous and rightfully belong to the government so you don’t cause any more mayhem. You will be compensated.” Senator Stern growled.

To her genuine surprise, her fear completely left her, rage burning through her veins instead as she stared down the man who had tried to rape her. She wanted more than anything to just punch him in his dumb, possessive mouth so he would never talk down to her again. 

“Oh, but you see the armour and I are one and the same. I can’t give you just the suit. Buying the suit would be like buying me, a person. That sounds like prostitution which I’m sure the Senate doesn’t want to be a party too. Though now that I’m thinking about it, you have some experience in the area of buying women’s...no, girls’ bodies, don’t you Senator Stern?” Toni said, her voice sickly sweet and laced with venom. 

Stern turned bright red and shouted “How dare you! You are accusing a United States Senator of such a thing?”

“Can we all calm down?” Senator Wiliams shouted

Toni leaned back in her chair and smiled. All the pompous dicks had their feathers all ruffled, it was kind of fun to cause such a fuss. 

“Back to the topic at hand,” The now annoyed Senator Williams said, “I understand you have... reservations about sharing your work with us, but be advised we will continue to try and re-create your technology. Having your guidance would make the process run smoother.”

“Who are you having build it right now?” Toni asked, confused.

“Hammer tech.”

Toni snorted, they were so low on her radar. “Why even bother? They couldn’t make a Model One Stark phone without screwing it up.”

“Well, we don’t have many options considering you won’t work with us.”

“Then just stop trying to mess with things you don’t understand.” Toni shot back.

“Do you even understand what you are messing with, Ms. Stark? It’s dangerous to fly around in a weapon. People trained for combat should do it, don’t you think? You’re just not the right kind of person to operate this. Let people who understand national security and fighting wars handle this. You can handle the mechanics, that’s what you're good at. But you just don’t have the right temperament or skill set to do this.” Some really old man Toni had never seen before said fixing her with a faux kind look. 

Yeah, no, he did not get to talk to her like that. Toni fixed the man with her best stare. “You never questioned if I knew what I was messing with when you got the stuff I built. You’re only butting in now because you don’t get to own it. You want to control it and use it in your wars, but for the thousandth time, Iron Queen is not a weapon to use in anybody's war. It's more than that. I built it to help people and to avoid collateral damage, not cause it. You don’t own me, or The Iron Queen armour. And you never fucking will!”

Toni stood up and turned to leave. Happy thankfully jumped in front of her to part the sea of bodies. The flashing lights threatened to blind her, but she fumbled forward. Getting in her car, she sat down and closed her eyes. Toni flinched slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder. 

“It’s me, Toni,” Pepper said softly.

“Sorry for all that,” Toni said with a half laugh.

“Yeah, that’s gonna take some clean up. I think Rhodey is the one who’s gonna need an apology, though. He works with those men. Also, our PR department. They have to field the calls.”

Toni just grunted. Half way home they had to pull over for Toni to throw up her coffee. It was still humiliating to puke in front of Pepper, even if she had seen Toni wigged out and naked once. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni, Happy and Pepper were eating. The flight home from DC sucked. Toni had thrown up and then fallen asleep. But now the headache had faded enough for her to no longer feel like her head was spinning. 

“You wanna let us know what all of that was?” Happy said gruffly.

“What do you mean? I just hate assholes like that.” Toni shrugged.

“Toni you were like the walking dead on the way home and threw up. That’s not just pissed off behaviour.”

“It’s just complicated and stupid.”

“Just tell us. If we couldn’t handle complicated then we wouldn’t be your friends.” Pepper replied

Toni looked up. The real reason she had lost control was because facing man who tried to rape he head on was not fun. Add on to that, the last man had sounded too much, too much like Obie. It hadn’t registered right away but now it was clear. And of course, she really hated people wanting to use her, it felt shitty. 

“Yeah, it wasn’t.”

“What was it?” Pepper said.

“Stern, he’s the man who... who drugged me that time Fury got me out. I wasn’t just being an ass, he really tried to buy me off to fuck him with drugs.”

“Bastard.” Happy muttered under his breath.

Toni half smiled at that. She met Pepper’s sympathetic expression and Happy mad on her behalf. She could tell them now. It was an opening, as organic a time as there ever would be. It wasn’t something they had to know, but they were her family. Toni wanted them to know, really.

“That’s not all though. It’s them wanting to use me, I’m tired of people always just wanting to control me.”

“I understand...” Pepper started.

“No, you don’t. Obi...Stane, you know he tried to kill me and stuff, but that’s not really the worst part. Starting when I was ten he...” Toni shuddered tears starting to flow from her eyes she looked away from both of them, “He sexually abused me till I was twenty. Do you remember when I thought I was pregnant Pep? He would have been the father.”

Pepper gasped bringing her hands to her mouth. Happy’s hand hit the counter with a grunt. 

Staring at them, looking like they were in so much pain, Toni faltered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I'm sorry,” was all she could think to say.

“God Toni, why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Pepper said.

To Tony's surprise, Happy brought her into a bone crushing hug, eliciting a small squeak from her. 

“Sorry.” Happy said releasing her. 

“It’s fine, you just caught me off guard,” Toni said giving him a smile. 

“Why didn’t...why didn’t you tell us before?” Pepper asked.

Toni blew a harsh breath from her mouth, “I didn’t know it was wrong for a long time. I mean, I loved him, and I was ten, so I just assumed it had to be okay. It’s what am I good at anyway, ya know? So even when I realised it was kinda hinky for a grown man to have sex with an eleven-year-old I figured I’m a slut anyway, so how could it matter? I also assumed no one cared, or that you’d be mad at me, and if someone did do something I had no idea what I would do if someone took him away. It felt like it was my fault, still does a lot. I had to have done something wrong.. And I promised to never tell, so I didn't ever tell. I literally never told anybody until he died, I just let him do it.”

“Toni, it’s not your fault okay? And you’re not a slut. No one has the right to make someone else have sex with them,” Pepper said.

“And the only people who do that to kids are scum.” Happy said with a nod and an air of finality. 

“Thanks,” Toni said.

It was nice to have people listen to her. She felt a tug in her chest, but it wasn’t sentimentality or rage. It was the burn of corroding skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think!!


	3. Corrosion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Chronic illness, past child abuse, past domestic abuse, implied/referenced alcoholism. 
> 
> [YouTube Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)  
> Songs: 9-10

The sun rose over  the ocean, golden light glinting off of the rolling waves. It was peaceful and the wind blowing softly felt nice against her sweaty skin.  She breathed in the morning, trying to shake off the night. 

Which was hard to do  when the very thing that made her nights hell refused to dissipate in the sunlight. The painfully slow creep of the poison in her body was leaving her feeling like she was  ..losing it--something that was hard to do, considering that she'd felt crazy before. But it was so hard to think straight that it was affecting her ability to even do things like build and code when at least those had generally stayed possible even when she was at her lowest. 

Having that taken from her made her feel like a piece of her soul was stripped away. Toni glanced down at the diary she had been reading through. Even a futurist could admit, something about holding Peggy’s words in this solid form made them more real. She flipped through and saw the Stark Expo flyer from the first expo after the war. Toni looked at the fragile paper and thought about how solidly Howard Stark had etched himself in the world; even with his cruelty and devastation he was remembered as good.  His legacy was about bringing the future to the people, and even saving the world a few times.

Toni had never thought much about her own legacy, never really believing she would live long enough to matter. But now she had a little time left to leave something behind, might as well. 

Toni went inside, getting JARVIS on figuring out who she’d have to pay to make this all happen as she started drawing up blueprints The next morning Natalie, or whoever she really was, came into her lab. JARVIS hadn’t figured out anything beyond the fact that she wasn’t real and had a really good forger behind her. 

“Ms. Stark, I bought some schematics that need to be reviewed. “ Natalie interrupted

“Just put them down,” Toni said, waving her hand and turning back to making a list of what to show at the Expo.

“What are you working on?”

“I want to run my own Stark Expo.”

“Oh really? There hasn’t been one of those in a really long time.”

“Yeah I know. By the end, the only things Howard gave a fuck about was alcohol, Steve Rogers, and power.  Hard to be a futurist when you gave up your soul for power and cruelty decades ago, and never felt any repercussions."

“Right... Do you need my help with any of it?”

“Keep people from bothering me. Field my emails and calls, don’t let anyone in here.”

“Yes, Toni.”

“Hmm.” Toni hummed the affirmative, turning back to her work. 

Toni stayed holed up in her lab for the next three days. The only people who came in were some delivery people and Natalie. Toni would have likely stayed down there longer but the door swung and Rhodey  strode in with a look of annoyance that seemed reserved only for Toni . 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!” Rhodey shouted.

“Working,” Toni said in  annoyance as she reached for her glass, pouting when she found it was empty." . 

“I’m sorry, he wouldn’t leave, and I didn't know he had override codes,” Natalie said from behind Rhodey. 

“Yeah and, really, you’re swinging that low? Making your PA do your dirty work?”

“Ugh, Rhodey it’s not about that. I needed to do this, and fast. It couldn’t wait!” Toni snapped.

“You always say that Tones. But I know better than to let you sink into not eating and all of  _ that _ .” He gestured to liquor bottles on her table.

“Look, I have been eating some...”

“JARVIS?” Rhodey cut her off glancing to the ceiling. 

“Ms. Toni has not been getting the desired amount of nutrients or caloric intake. She has also lost many hours of sleep.”

“Tattletale.” Toni muttered, “I made you to be on my side.”

“I am,” JARVIS said haughtily 

“Come on then,” Rhodey said taking her arm.

Toni decided against protesting but grabbed a dust-covered manilla folder in one hand as Rhodey dragged her out of the lab and up to the kitchen. Toni heard the clack of high heels behind her. Funny how the same sound was so  different depending on whether it came from her  own feet, Maria’s, Peppers, or Natalie’s. 

Rhodey deposited her at the bar counter. Toni sighed and started making a sandwich under Rhodey’s stare.

“ You want one, Rhodey? Natalie?”

“Why not,” Rhode said.

“Sure,” Natalie echoed, sitting next to Rhodey.

Rhodey open the folder, his brow furrowing tightly. Toni sighed and passed out the sandwiches before sitting down herself,

“Okay, what are you thinking?” Toni said biting into the bread.

"Why are digging up Howard's things?" Rhodey said an edge under his voice.

“It’s just about the old Expo’s.” Toni shrugged.

“Yeah but I.., you hate that man, fuck  _ I _ hate that man. I thought you wanted your SI to be, I don’t know, different?”

“It’s a good option to show how different it is now though, isn’t it? You can model the green energy projects, defensive gear, phones, tablets, holographic modelling, and the Iron Queen. It  would be  a return to the form of the earliest Expos, but an updated  version, and would be oriented towards peacetime, in contrast to past expos." Natalie said

Toni and Rhodey shot Natalie twin looks of bewilderment.

“I did a thing on 20th-century American business history, Stark Industries was in like every section. It was actually a bit annoying, but also encouraging; I knew where I wanted to work.” Natalie explained.

“Impressive.” Rhodey nodded.

“Right.” Toni said meeting the other woman's eyes for a long moment before turning back to Rhodey. “My name’s Stark too, I want to leave my own mark.”

“Fair enough. When are we doing this?”

“May,” Toni said.

“On your birthday?”

“Yeah,” Toni said with a nod.

“Well, this should be interesting,”  Rhodey said with a shake of his head, even while he reluctantly smiled . Toni breathed out; she didn’t want to fight Rhodey on this. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni looked at her therapist for a long moment. She had things to say, probably, but somehow whenever she sat here all the emotions that had been bothering her seemed to disappear from her mind. 

“So, Toni, how is the work for the Expo going?” Dr. Lester said.

“Fine, I guess. Looking at all of Howard's old papers isn’t great, but I know what I’m doing with the presentations and Tech. Pepper’s really good with publicly and logistics so it’s not bad.” Toni explained moving her hands sporadically as she spoke. 

“Well, I’m glad most of it is going well. How is looking at your father's papers not great?”

“They smell like the manor. Looking at scans the first day was easy enough; it was impersonal, all having to do with business and advertising. It just smelled like cigar smoke, alcohol and mothballs. Even when it was all sealed up fancy it still...yeah. But the personal papers with Howard’s own sketches and notes in the margins felt different. More real somehow...they dragged me back, and I don't exactly love remembering my childhood or parents in general. But it was also weird ya know? There were little sketches of models of things like flying cars he never quite got right, computer chips, phones; like non-weapon stuff, along with all the weapons. There was also some stuff about the arc reactor...”

Toni rubbed her hand along her chest feeling the metal under her shirt.

“That breaks your image of your father, stuff that wasn’t weapons?”

“He was an inventor.” Toni said softly, “He didn’t always want to just burn it to the ground. But he ended up there anyway and that sucks. It also makes me almost miss him ya know? Like what could I have learned or gotten from him? Maybe if he had lived longer, maybe something good could have come? Some days we would both be in the lab and our eyes lit up at the same stuff but we never talked about anything past whatever problem the machine was having. But I don’t know. Like with my mother, I know that if she had just talked to someone we could have been closer, I could see it some days, you know? When we were together . But I’ll never know, I’ll never get any of it. I lost something I never had and I’m looking at what he left behind, at these scattered moments of a man I don't think I knew. Because the man I talked to, well he smelled the same, but I don’t know if they were the same person.”

“It’s okay to have conflicting emotions about someone so influential in your life.”

“It’s not just that. It’s also how much we are alike, what happened that turned him into the man I know. When did it all die inside him, when did he become someone who didn't care about science, who would do what he did to us?”

“I don’t think that’s something you could figure out. You can never know what someone else was thinking.”

“Right.” Toni looked down her fingers which had turned slightly blue around the shiny red nail polish. Breathing deeply she tried to stave off the swirl of panic in her gut. 

“I see you remember the deep breathing exercises we did. How have the other coping skills been working out?”

“I like the cooking. Most days I’ve actually been eating, cooking it myself does help make me less stressed about it, gives some control, which I like.”

“That’s good. How have you been doing with keeping up with your schedule and other  Activities of Daily Living?”

“Natalie is actually pretty good with the whole schedule thing. Not quite as good as Pepper when it comes to kicking my ass into gear; she actually sees me as her boss, not like her charge or someone to take care of. But she still reminds me of everything, which is important. Actually, it’s weird that she sees me as an actual adult. Happy and Pepper still see me as the most unstable version of myself, as barely an adult. And Rhodey always sees me as the scared abused kid I was when I met him. With Natalie, I'm like an actual boss. Showering and stuff is...hard. Keeping things organized is hard, sleeping is hard, taking my medication is hard. Basically, everything else is hard.”

“ Well, you have made steps since you first came in, like acknowledging what your parents and Stane did to you was abuse. That's good ”

Toni blinked for a moment, in theory, she had. She had called herself abused back then, weird. “Yeah.”

“Let’s go over some skills to help you stay present and focus. Hyperfocus or no focus are not good places to be. Since part of the focus, problems is dissociation reviewing some grounding techniques should be helpful. ”

Toni bobbed her head in agreement, ready to do anything to be done talking. Being in her own head was exhausting. Sometimes she wished she could escape her own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey let me know what you guys think!


	4. Escape the mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, past abuse, chronic illness, referenced rape, vomit 
> 
> Songs: 11-13
> 
> [YouTube Link](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)

Toni sat in her bedroom staring at the ceiling. Therapy was probably good, and she knew that, but at the moment it had filled her with all these thoughts and restless energy she didn’t know what to do with. That, combined with her inability to focus, made it impossible to concentrate on any actual work, or even on personal projects like the Iron Queen armour. Not to mention it wasn’t like she was going to live long enough to get any of the magic payoffs that therapy was meant to bring. Honestly she wouldn’t live till June, her body was torn to shit even without the added blood poisoning. Another cough wracked her body and it hurt like fuck; metallic taste filled her mouth and she grimaced.

With a giant sigh, she sat up, running her hand through her hair. Toni wanted a drink...frankly, she wanted to get blackout drunk. But Toni detested the idea of getting that drunk alone in her room. Doing that reminded her of being back at home too much and she'd been spending way too much time in the past. 

“Ms. Rushman is coming this way. It is likely she is heading home.” JARVIS informed her.

“Why didn’t she already leave?”

“Ms. Rushman fell asleep in her office. I believe she was making up for missing the past two days and time got away from her.”

“I don’t care if she takes off. The only thing I need her for is to keep the files neat for Pepper and Rhodey.”

“Your fatalism is grating. We are still looking for a cure.”

“I know. But it’s April, J.”

“You made your will the moment the blood poisoning hit 25% last year.”

“So? What’s your point?”

“Factors indicate you don’t care if we find one.”

A knock on the door interrupted JARVIS’s speech. Natalie was standing in the doorway, her slightly mussed hair the only sign she had just been asleep. Looking put together and hot after falling asleep at your desk was just unfair. 

“You could have gone home earlier, I wouldn't have cared,” Toni said with a shrug. 

“Well, I was behind on work.”

“I’m always behind on work” 

“My job is to try and correct that for Ms Potts.”

“Yeah.” Toni looked her over; she was really beautiful, and if she was a spy who did undercover she probably really did have party stamina, and alcohol tolerance to boot. No one would put someone to get close to Toni Stark and not think they would have to do debaucherous shit. That was the news said she did, and she had, but not recently. Maybe Natalie would get fucked up with her. 

“So Natalie, you want to have some of that old college crazy?”

“What do you have in mind?” Natalie said stepping close to Toni, with an amazing smile, batting her eyelashes. 

“Let me get dressed.” Toni said leaning closer--might as well flirt back-- “feel free to follow me, I might have something in your size.”

Toni let herself get in the party mindset, leaving everything about bombs, and armour, and blood poisoning, and her complicated childhood locked in the house. Nothing mattered but driving way too fast in a sports car dressed in her finest with Natalie next to her in one of her more revealing dresses, which was even shorter with the slight height difference. Even if the smile was fake, it was still nice having someone who wasn’t  going to freak out when she took the corners a little too fast and let the wind just rush by."

The party was popular enough to put even Jay Gatsby to shame. They slipped through the crowded Ton noticed a few people she had known before her days in the Cave, as well as some new faces. But at the Top, she saw the host of tonight’s gathering. One of the boys she had known in college (or at least kind of knew, they were both hammered whenever they hung out), named Mark. He had been one of Ty's friends too, so that was a rift in what little friendship they did have. 

But seeing her, he still smiled and came over, hugging her like they were old chums. 

“The great Toni Stark is back on the celebrity scene?” Mark asked

“What, you save a few towns from terrorists and you can’t have any fun anymore?” Toni drawled.

“Well, put it that way sounds like you deserve this more than anyone.” He handed her a drink from a passing a tray. 

“Just what I came for.” 

“Hey who's your friend?” He leered, noticing the red-head at Tony’s side 

“Natalie Rushman. She’s with me so don’t even try it. I will ruin anyone who even thinks about laying a hand on her. Let all your friends know okay?” Toni said with a smile that was all teeth.

“Understood. I’ll spread the message, Iron Queen.” He said with a mock bow. “ If you want more than that, “he gestured to the glass in Toni’s hand, ‘the second floor is your best bet. Follow glazed expressions and white noise.”

“Thanks,” Toni said, leading Natalie into the crowd. 

“What was that about no one touching me?” Natalie asked,

“You don’t want to fuck these guys, you’ll get every STD there is. Most of them don’t seem to understand the word no.”

“That's very sweet but I can protect myself” 

“Oh, I know that. I’m just trying to make sure you don’t have to.” 

As they drifted into the crowd, Toni and Natalie followed Mark’s advice and bills traded hands. After a flurry of mixing stuff that probably shouldn't be, Toni was on the dance floor, the drumming beat filling her glazed-over mind and her body momentarily forgetting the pain and  tiredness that had become a constant presence . Toni realized she no longer had a major tolerance so everything hit like it was her first time all over again. 

Toni didn’t even care when hands gilded her sides and hot breath danced across her. She just gave him a smile and disappeared into the moving bodies. It was exactly what she had wanted. 

She dropped from the crowd, breathing heavy against the wall, and started laughing at nothing or everything. Staggering slightly, she looked around before grinning and waving to Natalie. 

##  ~~~~~

Natasha walked over to Toni surprisingly slightly dizzy; she managed to walk into the wall and stumble back, making Toni laugh. It was surprising that she was verging on drunk; it was a pretty amazing feat, she was Rusian after all. But apparently, Starks had a tolerance even higher than that. However, even her discipline couldn’t hold it together. Once you got drinking in a place like this, stopping was majorly hard. And for the past few months, her assignment had been easy. Maybe she had slipped for a bit that night. She hadn’t had a need even before that to test her alcohol tolerance or ability to think in a cloud of weed smoke, it was much more shooting and running kind of work. 

God, she wasn’t going soft but, but it was true that she felt less threatened hanging around Toni’s place then in SHIELD headquarters. She was still on edge, but not because of the inhabitants: Toni and her bots seemed unlikely to murder her. 

Natasha didn’t know what she was doing anyway. Attending this party was not necessary for her reconnaissance mission. But she had honestly wanted to go. Toni wasn’t everything people  said she was. True, Toni was a little bit crazy, and she put little to no planning into the actions she took as a superhero. However, Stark had the paranoia and the deceptive expertise of any experienced veteran. Toni's abilities seemed to be based more in fear and necessity than in actual long term training, but Natasha had to respect Stark's survival skills."

And the suits were even more amazing when you saw them being built, she was every bit the genius people said. JARVIS was also impressive and could point to the software behind the Iron Queen. By mostly blending into the background, she had watched how Pepper and Happy were treated as equals to the point of being able to snark at someone ostensible their boss. Rhodes seemed to be seen as a big brother never less than for not being stark level rich and powerful. These relationship dynamics were from what people expected, or what she had wanted to believe.

  
  


Though that wasn’t the only thing. It seemed Toni did, in fact, give a fuck about people. Toni was more like a wounded animal, like someone hiding behind a wall, then the heartless egoist the media displayed. Or the dumb rich floozie the other half painted her to be. Well at least, before now. The breathless wide-eyed woman next to her was the first time she met the image Toni sold to people. Pupils almost blown out, skin hot, and her lipstick smudged. 

“Natalie!” Toni said standing swaying just a bit, “You look like you’re thinking too hard. Don’t think, it’s not the time for thinking. It’s time to not think, just dance, drink, or I mean, meet lots of hot dudes and women. You could have fun with that too. I mean I know you’re not really an ex-party girl PA. But whatever you are you can still have fun! You’re so hot and nice for a liar, have some fun, flirting and dancing is fun.”

Natasha was slightly taken aback. She had to admit she hadn’t thought Toni had worked out she was a spy. But apparently, she had. 

“Okay.” Was all Natasha could think to say.

“Great!’ Toni said, and then disappeared into the crowd. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni left Natalie standing on the wall throwing herself back in the fray. The lines between herself and the people around her blurred together the same way her thoughts did. Toni Stark, Ms. Toni, Antonia Stark, Iron Queen, Ms. Stark, Young Miss, my Antonia, Baby Girl, whoever she was or wasn’t didn’t matter. All that mattered  was that her heartbeat matched the blaring music and her hips swayed like she was tied.

Songs slipped into others in a long melody that turned everything liquid and hot. But the spell only lasts so long. 

A break in the music made Toni realise she felt like hell warmed over. Her body ached enough to pierce through her chemically-induced euphoric haze. She staggered out of the mass and to her pleasure saw Natalie leaning against the wall playing her role, smiling vacantly and swirling the contents of her glass. 

“We should go...unless you're not coming home,” Toni said.

“Nah, I’m going with you,” Natalie replied.

They walked out of the building. Toni glanced at her companion and noticed she was not sober enough to drive either. Huh, the spy couldn’t hold her liquor. That was funny. Toni almost fell over the substance-induced spinning mixed with the less self-induced spinning of the poison in her veins. 

“I’m gonna call Happy,” Toni shouted over the blaring noise.

“Sounds good,” Natalie yelled back.

Toni fished her phone out from where it was tucked in her dress and fumbled, magically choosing the right contact.

“Toni?”

“Happy. Can you come to pick me up?”

“Where are you?”

“Use J’s Toni locator, I know you have it,” Toni mumbled.

“I will. But why don’t you know?”

“Shit Happy, I couldn’t pass a concussion test. Just come get us.”

“Us?”

“Oh, Natalie is here.”

“You got your PA Hammered?”

“Maybe. Please just come get us, I’m not stupid enough to drive drunk.”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

Toni hung up and leaned on the edge of the car.

Natalie threw herself next to her, holding her head in her hands. 

“Are you going to throw up?” Toni asked. 

“No, I'm not that weak,” Natalie said combatively 

“Sure, sure,” Toni muttered running her hand through her hair.

Toni was not surprised when Natalie turned to the side and threw up. God, you lightweight, Toni thought, shaking her head. Toni closed her eyes, waiting for her knight in not-so-shining armor to show up. 

“What, the Iron Queen can’t last the night?” Mark’s voice called in a tone that made Toni’s hair stand on end. 

“What do you want, asshole.” Toni leaned forward unsteadily.

“Well I mean, you didn’t give us a show! What’s the point of Toni Stark coming if you don’t see the Iron Queen or get fucked.”

“I think you should go get fucked,” Toni shouted.

“See, Ty did always say you were a tease.”

“Oh grow up, that was college!”

“You got him kicked out!”

“No, that was my father. All I did was get raped!” Toni snapped.

“Oh, you asked for it.” He said with an eye roll.

Toni felt annoyed. No one could just let her have a good night. “I mean maybe I did but it still speaks badly of your boy. Just like all you fuckers can’t get with girls in your league. So he fucked a fifteen-year-old who thought he was hot shit. It’s not like he could get an actual woman to get him off. And now your batting way above your class.”

“Oh, you bitch!” Mark raged as he lunged forward. 

Toni was distinctly glad she had been training to be Iron Queen because now she could move out of his way even when she couldn’t see straight. It made her insanely dizzy, but she avoided getting clocked in the jaw. 

Eventually, Toni felt tired of dogging and struck back. The palm of her hand met his nose and her knee met his groin. 

“Was that enough of a show for you?” Toni shouted at Mark, who curled on the ground with a bleeding nose. 

She looked up and saw the people taking photos on their phones. She sighed, and then promptly threw up on the ground. Natalie was standing over her. In the light of the house, cars and phones she was sure the other woman could see the vomit was black.

Toni half laughed when Happy walked over and helped her back to her feet.

“Just like old times?” She tiredly joked.

“What did you do?” Happy grumbled.

“In Toni’s defence, he said she deserves to be raped and then punched her,” Natalie said as they climbed into the car.

Toni quickly fell asleep on the cool seats.

##  ~~~~~

Natasha glanced at the girl next to her. She was quite surprised by Toni’s ability to fight while drunk...though that black and red bile was deeply concerning. She really ought to make sure Fury knew about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this chapter! Comments bring me joy!


	5. Deeply Concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: past child sexual abuse, past domestic violence, referenced drug abuse, referenced alcohol abuse, self-harm, past emotional abuse 
> 
> Songs: 14-16
> 
> [YouTube Link](<a%20href=)"  
> [Spotify Link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)

Toni paced, drumming her fingers on her collarbone. She heard the door chime but JARVIS didn’t announce anyone. 

“JARVIS, protection mode on,” Toni said immediately.

A large crash made Toni jump, even though she had known the noise was coming. With a sharp breath she stepped out to see what happened. To Toni’s surprise, Nick Fury was sitting on the floor, dazed, next to his smouldering coat. She kneeled down in front of him grinning; this was the funniest thing she had seen in a long time. Offering her hand she stifled a laugh. Fury took it, letting her help him up while he gave her quite the death glare.

“What the fuck, Stark?” Furry demanded, brushing off his long coat. 

“What the fuck, Fury?” Toni mocked. 

“How the hell am I at fault? You hit me with a laser!”

“You came into my house, unannounced, and you don’t have permission to be here whenever you want.”

“Well, I wanted to...check in.”

Toni realised she was in a tank top, which meant the damage around the reactor was visible.

“So you know?” Toni sighed crossing her arms. 

"I've known for a while."

"How?"

“Well after the incident at Stark tower, our medic did a scan on your reactor. We couldn’t figure out how to make it work any more than the army can, which is really upsetting--we pride ourselves on being smarter than those meatheads. But we were able to get some mineral readings and by now, that reactor should be pretty close to killing you.” Fury explained.

“Did you just come to remind me I’m a dead woman walking, or is this shit going somewhere?” Toni said, sitting on the couch. 

Fury slid a VHS tape across the coffee table with “Howard Stark” labelled in official looking font on the front. Underneath, the words “for Antonia” were scribbled in slightly faded ink. 

“What is this?” Toni asked, her eyebrows scrunching.

“I think it might be useful. It was among the things that were deemed dangerous or actionable and removed to SHIELD’s custody after your father's death. ”

“SHIELD stole stuff from me?” Toni said in mock indignation.

“Not stole, protected.”

“Right, you took things that were legally mine out of a house that was legally mine. I’m pretty sure that’s theft, even if you took my things to sneaky spy-land."

“However we got it doesn't matter, it’s yours now. It should help with your...problem.”

Toni tapped on the tape, biting her lip. She could feel anger clawing at her. Fury’s actions showed a mix of manipulation, patronization, and apathy over her wellbeing, and this sudden realization felt like a kick in the gut. There was something utterly humiliating about this man walking into her house and playing with her after months of letting her suffer. 

“So this how you treat all your problems _ , Uncle Nicky _ ? Wait till I’m almost dead, and then do the bare minimum? Oh, “I’m Nick Fury, the big bad man who muscled his way to power but was still scared of an old man who was so drunk all the time he drove himself into a pole.” You have all this power and intelligence at your disposal, but the best you can do is give me some sentimental junk way after I get sick? Though, kudos to you for actually doing something this time.” Toni sneered as she invoked the old nickname, fully aware it was a low blow.

“When are you going to grow up and let all of that go? Both of us, and especially you, have bigger problems.” Fury insisted. 

“When am I gonna let that go? When is it a good time to forget that you saw a man hit his wife and neglect his child and didn’t do anything? When exactly did you have the balls to even think that a thirteen-year-old shouldn’t be drunk all the time? When did you get the courage to even think about stopping a man from raping a child? You knew, and you never did a goddamn thing! So how long did that go on? I’ll be angry double that time, to make up for damages. And as for growing up, I think that between Stane and my parents, I grew up before I even turned eleven!” Toni shouted, standing up and balling her fists. 

“We can’t have this fight every time we talk. I’m trying to help, take the fucking help.”

“Right, right. Fine, I’ll stop bringing it up. But don’t pretend this makes it okay. Because you weren’t just putting the puzzle together like Rhodey or Pepper. You saw it, you saw the bruises, you heard the screaming, you knew what went down in that bedroom and you did nothing. So fine, I won't bring it up, but never again tell me to let it go. You have no goddamn right to judge me. ” 

Fury nodded stiffly as Toni’s anger deflated. His semi-casual demeanor fell back into his SHIELD Director persona while tears streamed down Toni’s face, her fingers digging into, and almost drawing blood from, the skin of her palms.  Fury was the same as ever. Whenever he encountered something he couldn't handle, he closed off, going into professional mode, while Toni was left utterly heartbroken

“Fine. Anything else you need?” 

“Not now.” Fury shook his head. 

“Right, great,” Toni muttered, leaning against the wall, watching Fury’s black coat swing behind him as he left. 

Toni breathed out harshly, dragging her palms down her face and scrubbing the tears standing in her eyes. 

“How the fuck do I play this, J?” Toni asked, staring at the tape.

“I think the video projector that came with the Expo gear might play it,” JARVIS explained. 

“Was I a bitch just now?” Toni asked as she hauled herself to the basement. 

“You were rude, but I don’t believe your anger was unfounded.”

“Great,” Toni muttered. 

Looking through the junk from the old manor house, Toni was struck with the fact that Uncle Nicky had just walked right in.

“Hey J, how come I didn’t have to approve Nicky coming in?”

“He is still on the open-access list. An automated scan that runs in my subsystems indicated that he was not a threat.”

“Why is he on the open-access list?” Toni scrunched her nose, tossing a flask and an old military memorandum to the side.

“After the incident with Senator Stern, you gave Director Fury open-access. You never revoked his status.”

“I think I’m just always out of it when he leaves,” Toni muttered.

“Should I remove him?”

“Yes, from now on he has to be approved by me for entry into the house and any of the locked rooms.”

“Done.”

“Me too,” Toni said, dragging a VHS player over to a monitor.

A younger version of Howard was monologuing for a camera about the Expo and futurism. It was slightly nauseating, looking at his fake smile. Another wave of discomfort ran through her when she saw a tiny version of herself running on the screen in an overdone dress, her hair in pigtails hanging down her back.

She saw herself tugging on Howard’s pant leg. 

“Antonia, I’m working. Go do something productive.”

Toni mouthed along with her father’s words. A grimace crossed her face as she watched herself being led away by her mother. 

After a few more tries and getting one good shot, the professional unfazed-ness dropped to reveal the real, tired, angry man that was Howard Stark. A slightly haunted look filled his eyes as he downed a glass of whisky. With only a tap on the glass, he signaled for Jarvis to fill it again; this was a deeply familiar scene of entitled control and spiraling addiction. Howard looked Toni directly in the eye--or, at least, he looked directly into the camera.

“Oh, Antonia. So many of the plans I have won’t pan out now. I’m an old man, and, even with Stark Tech, some of what I want isn't possible right now: one of the most important of these projects being the Arc reactor.” Toni’s hands fumbled to her chest. 

“When it comes to tech, you are a certified genius. Even with your nervousness and inability to listen, it’s obvious you're intelligent, as a Stark should be. When the right minds and tech meet, you might make my dream a reality. I’m leaving you with what I have so far; maybe you can make the best of it. The reactor is complicated, but I trust you will have what you need then. The materials just aren’t something I have, but, in time, you should. Hopefully, I gave you the tools to work it out. 

You are my greatest creation, my legacy, if you will, even if you won’t carry the Stark name forever--well, maybe you can do that new-fangled hyphenation thing so your sons will take it, too. The Stark name will be known everywhere.  I do hope you make things better with your life. ” Howard took a long sip of his drink, then made the cut motion with his hands. 

The screen cut to black and Toni bit her tongue till blood seeped out. Vague and deeply unhelpful as it was, it at least told her she was probably on the right track. The compliment was nice--hey, it included a surprising vote of confidence from her father, something rare, and eighteen years too late. Though, he also followed it up with plans for her to marry and have sons--well, what else were women good for? At least he was consistently misogynistic. 

##  ~~~~~

“Hi Toni,” ‘Natalie’ said, walking up to Toni, who was eating breakfast. It had been a few days since the party, and Toni wondered what spidey-hole the spy had been hiding in. 

“Good morning,” Toni said, passing her a waffle.

“Oh, thanks,” Natalie said, sitting down. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine.”

“I was wondering how much of our...party... you remember?”

“Not much. I remember being hit on by Mark. I remember I got you drunk.”

“Right, yeah, I’m really sorry about the whole Mark thing, it was totally awful.”

“Why? Did we do something else embarrassing?”

“No, just, you were saying...things.” Natalie said with a shrug. 

“That I know you’ve been lying to me since I met you?” Toni asked, making eye contact with Natalie over her cup. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You work for Fury right? You’re one of those super-secret SHIELD spies. He sent you to watch me. Right?”

“Yes,” Natalie agreed, cocking her head to one side. 

“What, you're just gonna give in like that? Months of lying, just like that?” Toni joked

“I don’t see the need to lie to you. You obviously did a surprisingly good background check to know about me, and SHIELD in general.”

“Oh, fuck, I only found some face matches. You're a ghost, better than anyone I know. Interpol, MI6 CIA, FSB, Mossad; there’s nothing. All they have are rumours,” Toni shrugged.

“Then, how do you know who I am?”

“I don’t know who you are--I don’t know your name. But I knew SHIELD before you did, probably. My dad worked with them, and I am an excellent eavesdropper--and most of their security is terrible anyways. Personal files are the hardest thing to hack. I got through a bunch--did you know Agent-Agent has a peanut allergy?”

“Okay, so you know who Fury and SHIELD are. How did you know I was lying?” 

“Why do you care?” 

“I’ve never been discovered before. A civilian who is not only untrained, but also dying, working it out, is concerning. I need to know what not to do when it’s life and death. And frankly, it’s just embarrassing, being discovered,” Natasha said, leaning back in her chair. 

Toni studied her face; she seemed sincere enough, her even tone quirking up with some genuine interest. “I’ll tell you if you tell me your real name. Or at least the one you use with work buddies and shit.”

“I’m Agent Natasha Romanoff,” Natasha greated, holding out her hand. 

Toni half smiled, “Pleased to meet you, Agent Romanoff. I’m Antonia Stark, friends call me Toni.”

“Now, how did you know?” Natasha asked back, popping blueberries into her mouth with an expectant look. 

“I knew the day I met you. You didn’t look nervous or calm, you were unnaturally composed. It wasn’t enough on its own, but it was a clue that something else was going on. You didn’t bounce your legs. Your backstory was rehearsed and lacked emotion and anecdotes; next time, build a better profile.”

“I could have just been private and had a perfect emotional mask. Wearing a mask for the public isn’t limited to spies.” Natasha said pointedly. 

“Yeah, I know that. But the biggest give away was that when I made that shit explode in my lab, you didn’t jump or freeze, which is what normal people do; instead, you got battle-ready. You took a fighting stance--civilians don’t do that. And I considered you might be military, but I’ve known them, and even the good ones tend to be brash types and bad liars, unless they convince themselves that what they’re saying is actually true. And they’re either hyper-protective of people, like Rhodey, or of their egos, like the rest of them. But lying, fighting and being a chameleon? That’s all spy.” Toni explained. 

“I’m impressed, and that’s hard to do. You weren’t even on my top 10 list of people who could pull it off. ”

Toni grinned, feeling rather triumphant. Being on the same page with people was better than unspoken tension anyway. However, Natasha’s view of her was a bit concerning, as well as the fact that she didn’t know that Toni knew Nicky. Fury wouldn’t even admit to knowing her?

“When you were assigned to me, what did they tell you about me?”

“Not much. That you were being considered for the Avengers, and we needed to assess your compatibility with The Avengers Protocol, as well as monitor if you were a threat to others.”

“Okay, I guessed that much. I want to know what they told you about me.”

“That you are unstable, stubborn, impulsive, and have a history of addiction and one-night stands. That you’re intelligent, but you drown that intelligence out with drugs. That you’re bad with the public, but have a good PR Team. The other objective was to watch your tech for useful items. They said that pretending to be interested in your robots is a good way to get you to like someone. Flattery works, and attention.”

“Great,” Toni muttered--the only personal touch was the robots. Nicky was ashamed to know her, but not to use her; how painfully cliche. 

“Then, I mean, I looked you up a lot. This has been a fun reminder that the media tends to be more wrong than it is right.” Natasha said, shaking her head slightly. 

“Yeah. They only want money, and scandals make money,” Toni agreed. “So what now?”

“What now?”

“Are you gonna run back to spy-land now?”

“Yes, and ask for new orders.”

“Oh, chill.” Toni said, almost keeping the disappointment out of her voice. 

“It was nice working with you, Ms. Stark.”

“Nice working with you, too, Ms. Romanoff”

Toni realised she was going to miss having someone around all the time. But what mattered was just getting through, and there were only a few things left she needed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think I love the feedback!
> 
> Toni and Fury's dynamic is one of my favourite relationships in this series to write I think it's one of the most complicated.


	6. The Things Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Chronic Illness, past domestic violence, suicidal ideation
> 
> [Youtube Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)
> 
> Songs: 17 & 18

When Toni walked into Peggy Carter's hospital room, the air was stale and stunk of antiseptic, and something akin to death. She hated seeing Peggy like this; she had only come back a few times after the first visit messed her up so badly. Watching someone she loved fade hurt a lot, and she had felt some wicked pain. With a deep breath, she took off her sunglasses, clicked them shut, and knocked on the doorway.

Peggy was sitting on a chair and listening to music. 

“Hello, Peggy,” Toni said, shifting her weight from side to side.

Peggy looked confused and then seemed to figure out who she was, “Maria?”

Okay, well, close enough. “Hello, can I sit?”

“Of course, it’s good to see you.”

Toni smiled softly, joining her aunt and listening to swing music while she waited for Peggy to speak again. Peggy stared blankly for a few moments before she came back to herself

“How’s Howard?”

“Oh, you know him.” Toni shrugged, “Busy.”

“Work or debauchery?”

“It’s usually both, with him.”

“Not to pry, but any luck with getting pregnant?” Peggy asked, meeting her eyes.

Toni felt her face flush, her mouth opening and closing mutely. How did she answer that?.

“Sorry, I just wonder. I know it...aggravates him.”

“Yes, it does, but I'll manage.” Toni nodded, wondering if this was a common conversation her mom had had with Peggy.

“How are the Jarvises?”

“Well, Ana has picked up making Italian food this time.”

“Lovely, how is it?”

“Quite good. Howard even imported wine for her.”

“Well, that’s good; maybe Howard’l finally smell like something other than that awful whisky.” Peggy joked. 

“Scotch, I think, is the worst.” Toni wrinkled her nose at the memory of Obie.

“Anything is better than those god-awful cigars all men seem to love.”

“I agree.” Toni nodded. 

Talking to Peggy this time was already going better than the other times, when Toni's aunt had been completely incoherent. At least Peggy was acting like herself right now...even if she thought she was living in the seventies.

“How are you really, Maria?” Peggy asked, turning to look Toni in the face, and wearing an expression that was a mix of pity, worry, and interest. 

“I’m alright.” Toni gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“You always say that--I’m not a reporter or stranger. I’m meant to be your friend.” 

“I’m safe,” Toni answered, placing her hand on Peggy’s. It was odd how familiar this conversation was; Peggy thinking Toni was Maria hit a lot closer to home than Toni would like to admit. It was depressing, how similar to Maria Toni was. 

“Well, that's good. Do you want to hear some stories about some very unsafe missions?”

The conversation lasted a little while longer, with Peggy talking about espionage and the like. Toni listened, nodding her head; she only understood about half of what Peggy was talking about, but it was nice to hear Peggy telling her stories again, even if they were a bit muddled. Eventually, though Peggy got tired. 

“Bye Peggy,” Toni said, unshed tears blurring her vision. What a thought; she was going to die before someone from the greatest generation in American history. But upside, she wouldn’t have to bury another family member. 

## ~~~~~

On the opening day of the Stark Expo, Toni stood in front of the mirror, using makeup to carefully erase the insomnia, vomiting, hangovers and crying from her face. She sent a silent thank you to her mom for teaching her how to use makeup to pretend life wasn’t slowly killing you. 

She used copious amounts of concealer to cover the edges of the spider web emanating from her heart, enough that she could wear a dress that had a low neckline, which was much more in character for her. This whole song and dance routine made her feel a bit sick--she had spent her whole life finding ways to hide scars--but whatever, it worked. On her wrists she wore bracelets made of scraps from the Iron Queen armour. 

Toni styled her hair expertly; doing her hair was her favorite part of getting dressed up. Her hair had been the first part of her body she had ever taken control of. To finish everything off, Toni fixed the twin heart-shaped lockets that lay around her neck. It didn’t matter what she was doing, Toni never wanted to take them off, even if they now laid over the arc reactor in her chest. The pictures in those hearts were reminders that she was properly human.

Toni smiled, noticing Rhodey standing in the doorway in a suit. He looked like a character in a movie, with his tie laying beneath a popped collar. 

“Hey, Rhodey Bear.” She greeted, meeting his eyes.

“You look beautiful,” Rhodey said. 

“You look like a male model--seriously, you could get a contract.” Toni laughed. 

He rolled his eyes, stepping forward and giving Toni one of his life-saving hugs. 

“How are we doing back here?” Pepper asked. 

Toni glanced up and her breath hitched in her throat. God, Pepper looked so pretty. Her strawberry blond hair was done up in a complicated knot that was held with a silver comb. Her dress was a one-shouldered pale blue gown, and a silver accented necklace glittered on her neck, while her ears sparkled with matching earrings. 

“You look amazing,” Toni whispered.

“Oh, thanks! Both of you look very nice too.” Pepper said with a weak smile.

Toni was hit with a wave of guilt at Pepper’s tiredness, “Thank you for putting up with my whims. I know this was a short notice. I know I’m stupid and selfish for asking for all of this--”

“Toni, it's fine. I wasn’t sure right away, but you know what? It wasn't that bad. This is actually kind of cool.” Pepper reassured. 

“Yeah?” Toni said. 

“Yup. Oh, come here Rhodey, you need to fix your tie.” Pepper changed the subject. 

“I know. Who decided ties were needed anyway? It’s stupid; why should I have to be choked in order to look nice?” Rhodey grumbled.

“Beauty is pain.” Toni mocked.

“Just be glad you aren’t wearing heels,” Pepper said with a sly smile. 

## ~~~~~

Toni took a deep breath as the fireworks interrupted the loud, blaring music, and she stepped on to the stage. Cheers erupted and oddly enough, her anxiety seemed to dissipate. She didn’t actually have to see these people; they melted into the glare. A smirk crossed her face and she walked to the very edge of the stage and clicked her fingers. The screen behind her came to life as fanfare music sounded and footage from old Expos rolled.

The music died down and Toni took in a long breath.

“Hello, and welcome to the 2009 Stark Expo!” Tony yelled, waving her arms as sparklers went off behind her. “I’m excited to see you all here joining me to look into a better future. This whole place is designed in honour of my father, the late, great, Howard Stark. He put on Expos for the most part of his life, only stopping late in life, and I believe now is a good time to revive his tradition. Throughout this week you will see the many advances we are making that will help improve the quality of all our lives. Topics include green energy, medical technology, our Stark phones and pads, and faster computing and software designs for researchers. And there will be, of course, a display of something I believe I am best known for: the Iron Queen armour!”

Everyone cheered at that. ‘Course, Iron Queen had gotten lots of press: even if Toni just showed them videos, they would still love it.

“So, I hope you all find something that gives you an idea for a better future. There might even be things the young people will want to make themselves. So please, enjoy the Stark Experience.”

A fireworks display went off, and shiny confetti rained down--gotta give the kids something flashy.

Toni held for the applause, grinning, then turned on the spot and walked off stage. The moment the lights were off of her, she felt exhausted. Leaning on the wall, she kept reminding herself to breathe. “Come on Toni, in and out,” she coached herself. The pain and stress washed over her; without an audience to perform for, her mind and body were teetering on the edge of collapse. Rhodey moved into action, shooing the stagehands away and putting himself in front of Toni protectively. 

“You good Tones?”

“Yup. Just, you know, adrenaline crash,” Toni explained. Noticing she was rubbing her hand on her chest, she added, “And the reactor’s a bit sore.” 

“Well, you did good. Everyone seems excited, and the place is packed. You're really lucky--it's cool to be nerdy now,” Rhodey joked, brushing her fringe from her eyes. 

“I can make anything cool. I mean look at me--not to mention armour like Iron Queen is pretty cool on it’s own.“

“Yeah, but _you_ are Iron Queen, which means you are part of why people want to come to this geek fest. The fireworks spelling out your name were a bit much, though.”

“What is the point in having an event named after me if I can’t go totally ham?” Toni asked with mock incredulity. 

Rhodey just rolled his eyes, wrapping his arm around her. 

## ~~~~~

Two days later, Toni was staring at a brand new suit. It was finished; the suit was the same basic design as Iron Queen, with the same basic tech, but with a slightly simplified AI that could interface with JARVIS if necessary. But the weapons were much more substantial than even the most upgraded version of her suit, made more for continuous battle than the in-and-out design she had. Sturdy, committed, and tough--the perfect suit for Rhodey. 

When the Arc Reactor was placed in the centre, the eyes started to glow. The colour scheme of black and grey was a lot less ostentatious than hers but still had an intimidation factor. Leaning against her table she smiled; it was beautiful. This was the best present she could think of.

“You finished it,” JARVIS praised.

“Project War Machine is done. Just got one more project left...well, besides trying to work out what the ever-loving fuck I’m meant to get from Howard’s stupid video.”

“The arc reactor project file is the only one left unfinished in our personal files,” JARVIS said.

“Well, this isn’t really a 'you' project...except, do we have any good photos of me and Pepper?”

“Yes, there is one that was taken of you dancing--I took it from a press site, I believe it will work. I think you would say it is “cute”.

“Alright, that photo and then the one of Rhodey, Hap, Pep, and me from Christmas. Can you print those in locket size?”

“Of course, but may I ask why?”

“A present for Pepper. It was Jarvis’s, the other Jarvis’s, way of saying, “I love you.” I want her to have something permanent so she’ll always remember that I cared for her. Rhodey knows, and the Bot’s and you can still watch out for him. Not to mention War Machine. But I don’t have anything for Pepper ”

“You can still find a way to...”

“JARVIS! I’m going to keep trying, but I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.”

“You built your first arc reactor in a cave, you can do this,” JARVIS said calmly. 

“I know! I know, but I didn’t think I’d live this long when I was a kid. I tried to kill myself when I was, what, 12? I’ve done the best I can, I’ve gotten rid of most of the weapons, I turned Stark Industries around, I’ve saved lives, right? I know I can never fix my mistakes. I'll always just be this mess of a person. But I’ve done some good, right?” Toni's shouting devolved into strained begging. 

“You’ve done good,” JARVIS consoled. 

Toni felt a few hot tears on her cheeks. 

“Print those photos okay? I have to buy Pepper her gift.”

“Yes, Ms. Toni.”

“Thank you, J. For everything,” Toni whispered. 

  
  


Toni got to the jewellery store in full-on Stark mode, ready to either charm or tell people to fuck off, depending on what they needed. The store was mostly empty, which was nice; fewer people to see her, and fewer people that might touch her. The store was really cold, but she was still sweating slightly, leaving her clammy--fun fact, palladium poisoning makes you run a constant, low-grade fever when it gets close to killing you, so that’s great. 

She walked to the desk and the desk clerk did a double-take, looking at her and rushing over. 

“Hello, Ms Stark,” the man said.

Toni suppressed an eye roll; like, sure, it was nice that people gave her whatever she wanted, but the men always did it with a look like they were currently, or had at one point, imagined her naked. 

“Hello. I’m here to look at the selection of lockets I ordered to have brought in,” Toni said with her best press smile.

“One second, Ms. Stark.” 

Toni nodded, keeping the smile up before dropping it as she sunk onto her forearms. A few minutes later, a much older man in a really expensive suit brought out a tray.

“These are the pieces you requested.” His voice had an “old money” accent to it.

“Thank you,” Toni said, looking at his name tag, “Mr. Burnside.” 

Toni looked at the lockets which were laid out on the tray. She had chosen two gold, two silver and two bronze. The pendants were all heart-shaped to match hers.

“Of course. Are you looking for one that resembles those?” Mr Burnside inquired pointing to her lockets. 

Toni instinctively grabbed them. “Yes, that’s the idea.”

“Is it for a future child?”

Toni blanched at the idea, “Oh no, these are for a friend. Just a gift ya know” 

“Well, I’m fond of the gold with the ruby--it matches your colour scheme.” 

Toni looked at it...it was actually quite pretty. The inlaid gem wasn’t large and was almost flushed with the rest, nothing over the top. Surrounding it were circles which radiated out to the edge of the locket.

“Yes Sir, that will work,” Toni said, quietly. 

“Very well, ma'am,” Mr. Burnside confirmed, “Robert, please see Ms. Stark out.”

The younger man raced over and asked, “What did we pick?”

“The gold with the ruby, thank you, Robert,” Toni replied, getting her card from her purse.

“It matches the Iron Queen armour, cool!” he said, eyes wide.

“Way to spell it out,” Toni sighed.

Sitting in her car she stared down at the locket. Toni hoped the little piece of metal would get Pepper to forgive her for all her lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, This late!!
> 
> But let me know what you think!!


	7. Lies, Damn Lies, and Starks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Chronic illness, past abuse, referenced suicide attempts, 
> 
> Playlist  
> Songs: 19-21
> 
> [Youtube Link](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)   
>  [Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)

Toni knocked on Pepper’s door near the end of the day. She shifted between her feet, trying to calm her nerves. She had downed a shit ton of coffee and skipped her anti anxieties medication in an effort to try and keep herself awake. But it didn’t stop her from feeling like she was white-knuckling life. 

##  ~~~~~

“Come in,” Pepper called, knowing it had to be her best friend. Toni was the only one who would come directly to her office without checking with her secretary first.

Pepper was caught off guard by her friend's appearance. Toni was usually either in sweatshirts and shorts or wearing an overly expensive outfit that fit somewhere on the range between businesswomen and model. And right now she looked nice, but in a new way. Her hair was completely brushed and void of gell, and she was wearing jeans without holes, flats and a burgundy blouse. Toni had almost no makeup and the only jewellery she was wearing were her lockets. Pepper noticed her scars were even visible on her arms; there was no coat or makeup trying to mask Toni’s past. 

  
  


“Uh, Pepper, could you come with me? I have something nice for us to do.” Toni asked, stumbling over the words. It was charming; Pepper loved when the awkward, kind, dork emerged from behind Toni’s walls of ill-advised heroics, carefully manicured nails, and feigned sexiness. “Sure, Toni. Let’s go.” Pepper grabbed her purse and they walked to the door, barely pausing as Happy opened the doors for them. 

“Look at Happy’s cufflinks,” Toni said. The cuff links had an Iron Queen mask in relief on the bronze surface.

“Really?” Pepper asked Happy, “You're going to wear those?”

“You don’t throw gifts away,” Happy said, completely deadpan. 

##  ~~~~~

Getting into the car, Toni couldn’t help but think about how it would soon be Happy’s. She hoped that giving him something he would really enjoy would make up for the kind of kitschy gift of the cufflinks. Still, she had wanted him to have the cufflinks; they were one way he could have a real piece of her with him, even after she was gone. 

They got to a park and Pepper gave Toni a quizzical look, but Toni just offered Pepper her hand, leading her to a bench in a secluded part of the park, where food had been laid out on a small table. 

“I have to admit, when you said, ‘something nice,’ this is not what I was thinking.”

“What, you thought I was going to drag you to a party?” Toni joked, sitting down and grabbing a grape from the table.

“Well, no, actually, but this also wasn’t what I was thinking.”

“Stars,” Toni said, catching Pepper off guard.

“What about them?”

“You can see them from here.”

“Very true,” Pepper answered, sounding unsure of what was going on.

“Okay, “ Toni sighed, “as long as I can remember, I’ve loved looking at stars. I could see them from my bedroom, and Jarvis, he’d leave the window open for me when he could. And at night I’d imagine I could fly away. It didn’t matter what happened, the stars were there. Older than us and so far away. Anything up there had to be better than what was going on down here, they were a light in the dark. I could pretend that I was a part of the universe, something bigger than me. Ya know?”

“No, sweety, not really,” Pepper said with an apologetic smile.

“Anyway, I brought you here so you could see the stars, too,” Toni said.

Pepper looked up. The sun had almost fully gone down and the food-laden table was lit with a single lamp. Toni watched Pepper lose herself in the sky, just like Toni lost herself. Breaking her gaze from Pepper, she pulled the locket from her pocket and cleared her throat. 

“I have a present for you,” Toni said, passing Pepper a small wrapped box.

“Jewellery?”

Toni shrugged in response with a sheepish smile. 

Pepper opened it and smiled, “This is really pretty.”

“Open it.” Toni urged. 

Pepper clicked it open, inside were cute photos of their little family. “Thank you.”

“Jarvis gave me mine so I’d never forget that I was loved; well, he never said it like that, but it was implied. So that's what it means.” 

“That’s so sweet, Toni.”

“I just hope you like it.” 

“I do.”

“Let’s eat,” Toni said, gesturing to the food. Her face was burning red at how pretty Pepper looked in the flickering lamp light. 

Pepper talked about work or whatever as they ate, but Toni was having trouble listening to Peper with the words of her confession lodged in her throat. Funny how the power of both good and bad things can make you feel like you’re being strangled. 

“Toni?” Pepper asked.

“Huh?” Toni said, snapping back to reality. 

“You spaced out. I know something is on your mind. We’ve known each other for long enough, you can just tell me. We’ve been through hell together.” Pepper smiled.

“I really like you, you know, like, romantically,” Toni blurted out.

“Toni,” Pepper said in a tone that told Toni what she was thinking. Her eyes looked sad and she shook her head. 

Toni wasn’t surprised; she had already assumed what Pepper’s reaction would be. But she had wanted to say it anyway, just so she wouldn’t be lying about  _ everything _ . She didn’t need Pepper to love her back, but dying without ever telling her how she felt would have been even more depressing. Now her plan was to die with everything in order, without too many loose ends. 

“Look, I love you, you’re my family. But I don’t like you that way. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Toni said, leaning back, looking at her hands, “I know. But I just wanted to tell you. Are you mad at me?”

“Of course I’m not mad. I kinda guessed actually. Apparently, I’m not observant enough to notice a lot of stuff, but I can tell when someone has a crush on me.”

“Because everyone you interact with does,” Toni said with a half-smile.

“I mean, kind of, yes. I mean, look at me?”

“I think that’s how we got here.”

They both huffed an awkward laugh.

“Did your powers of perception pick up that ‘Natalie’ was a spy from SHIELD? She was apparently trained in Russia; her real name is Natasha, codename Black Widow.”

Pepper blinked blankly for a second. “You're serious?”

“Yup.”

“Wow, we need better vetting.” 

“Well, we have access to most of SHIELD’s personnel files, so JARVIS can start double-checking anyone who is dealing with the heavily confidential stuff. SHIELD does update their security, but they can’t keep me out forever. After I got Natalie’s real name, I found her whole file pretty easily,” Toni explained.

“People are really lucky you chose superhero over supervillain,” Pepper said, shaking her head while taking a bite of pasta salad.

Toni didn’t know if she was really a ‘hero;’ that felt way too generous for someone who was just picking up after her own mistakes. Reminding herself negative spirals were not the plan tonight, she cleared her throat and instead said, “Do you like the food? I looked up recipes and everything.”

“Wait, you cooked this?”Pepper said, looking up at Toni. 

“Why is everyone surprised I can cook?”

“Are you surprised we’re surprised?”

“I mean, no! But I can, and it’s actually kinda fun. And I get to say 'I made this meal for you' and mean it literally.” Toni grinned at Peper.

“Thank you for tonight,” Pepper said. “With the Expo, everything’s been hectic and I’m still working on getting everyone to go along with me being in charge. I mean, I’m a woman, and I don’t have the excuse of the company bearing my name. Not to mention every other top official, and the entire board, are men who are all old enough to be my father.”

“You can just fire anyone who isn’t on the board. As for the people who are on the board, well, you helped me deal with them before. They are just like that.”

“Yeah, but it’s annoying; it’s like nothing I do makes them trust me. Even when I’ve basically been running the company for a year, an amazing year, and put on this Expo.”

“They're assholes. But they’re also afraid of our power and intelligence. You don’t put up with their shit so they throw more.” Toni said with a grimace. 

“I know, and I handle them fine, I just feel like I’m missing a secret or something,” Pepper grumbled. 

“You are, Pepper. Those men have Daddies who invested in SI when it was just Howard’s pipe dream. And a lot of them sat on that board when Howard was still in charge. Which means they each know all the handshake deals the others made. Where the bodies are buried, literally or not.”

“Old boys club,” Pepper said, taking an annoyed sip from her beer.

“Well, yeah. They had their fingers in not only the weapons things, but also drugs, affairs, prostitutes, corruption, all that stuff. I mean, they knew what Obie was doing, along with those Senators.”

Pepper gave Toni a pitting look.“Anyway, you're better than all of them.” Toni assured her, shaking her head. 

“Ahhh, I know. And, for the record, you are too. Liars, the whole lot of them”

Toni smiled, but it hurt. She could feel her brain filling with fog as the pain in her chest intensified. 

##  ~~~~~

Laying with her head resting on her crossed forearms, Toni's breath shuddered in the simultaneously cold and sticky air of her lab. 

“I think I got it,” Toni murmured. “We need something of our own. That’s what dad must have meant. He couldn’t make the reactor work because he literally didn’t have what he needed. It must have been something that they hadn’t synthesised yet. Maybe he also didn't have the raw materials.” Toni lifted her head from her arms. “Let's look at the files on elemental research from around the time of that cassette.”

“Very good.” JARVIS said

“I just have to work out what we need. Bring up the closest matches.”

Toni moved molecules around, trying to think through what was possible. Her mind kept fogging over and when she coughed, her blood was black.

“That is really cliche,” Toni muttered.

“But still very worrying.”

“No shit, J.,” Toni laughed under her breath, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. 

After that, Toni had a shock of energy that allowed her to go into the zone for the first time in a while. Her brain sped through the formulas and equations and her hands almost kept up. The pain even crept into the back of her mind; her breathing was still slightly off, but that didn’t matter as she visualized a million little connecting lines and raced to figure out how to synthesize anything into the right purity. It was funny how work was still her only respite from the all-consuming pain. 

Hours passed with Toni just sitting there until, finally, a green light lit up.

“Ms. Toni, we have found an element that will sustain the reactor,” JARVIS informed her.

“But it still doesn’t exist, not even in a lab. I’m not sure I can do this.” Toni said, running her hand through her hair and leaning back in her seat as she looked over the prospective substitute that JARVIS had brought to her attention. 

“We don’t currently have the technology or enough of any of the necessary building blocks that would be required to synthesize these new elements.”

“Of course we don’t, J.! I don’t exactly make new atomic elements very regularly,” Toni said, rubbing her fingers on her temples and coughing again.

“Ms. Toni, I recommend you start looking for places the components can be found; some should be easily purchasable.”

“What’s the point?!” Toni shouted, her tone bitting

“You seem very distressed; ordered steps tend...”

“Why shouldn’t I be?! I’m lying to the people I love. Again. It’s taken me too long to work this out, I don’t have the parts or even the time to fix anything. I never fix anything, everything just falls apart. What is the goddamn point?” Toni knocked all the things from her desk. The sound of everything crashing and breaking was honestly satisfying. 

“Throwing a tantrum will not get this compound made.”

“JARVIS, what part of this don’t you understand?” Toni whispered, “I’m so tired, I don’t even know if I want to continue. Can’t I just sleep? Why can’t I just stop?”

“You have people who care about you.”

“It's just better to stop, baby boy. I love all of you, but you will be okay. I can’t think straight. And I am so, so exhausted.” Toni sobbed, “Please, I just want to rest.”

“Well, why don’t you get some sleep. We can still fix this when you wake up.”

“Okay,” Toni said, breathlessly. 

Toni fell on the couch, wrapping the blanket tighter around her. Everything was so cold and she was just so _tired._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	8. Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past abuse, chronic illness, severe illness,   
> [Youtube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

As Rhodey entered Toni’s home, he called out to his friend, but there was no response. He frowned and checked her room and, finding it empty, felt a small knot of worry hit him. She should be running to meet him. 

“Mr. Rhodes, you will find Miss Toni in her lab,” JARVIS said. “Please hurry.”

The small knot exploded into terror as he ran down the stairs. He saw Toni shaking on the couch, covered in sweat. Her face was grey, but she had bright red cheeks and pale lips. Even from afar he could hear her breath shuddering in her chest. 

“Fuck, baby girl, what now?” Rhodey muttered.

He knelt down and placed his hand on her burning forehead, noticing he was kneeling in something sticky. Toni suddenly sat up, coughing black mucus into her hand as she looked up at Rhodey with cloudy eyes. 

“Hey, Rhodey bear,” Toni mumbled blearily. 

“What the hell is going on?” He said, supporting her into an upright position.

Tears ran down her cheeks and she placed her head against his chest. Toni’s sobs wracked her body. He could feel how hard she was breathing as her heart beat rapidly. 

“It’ll be okay,” Rhodey murmured, running his hand through her shaggy, sweaty hair. He had no idea what was wrong, but his protective instinct was overwhelming him. 

Toni leaned back, wiping her eyes, “The palladium from the reactor is in my blood. ” she explained, gesturing to her chest.

Rhodey noticed the black veins spidering up her chest and onto her collar bone. Large black circles surrounded her eyes, her dark tan skin clammy and washed over in grey. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Rhodey asked, rubbing his brow. 

“J., pull up the Arc Reactor project,” Toni said, walking to her work table unsteadily.

As Rhodey leaned next to her, reading the files, Toni could sense a shift in him from concerned to angry. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Rhodey shouted, turning to face Toni and throwing his hands in the air.

Toni involuntarily flinched, back curling in protectively; something about the close relationship they had made her mind go to ‘make it hurt less,’ not ‘get out of the way’--go figure. Even when she couldn’t think straight, something in her could still remember what her past relationships had taught her. 

“Kid, you lied to me about something important. Reading these files, it looks like you could really die.” Rhodey said, his tone softening. 

“I didn’t want to make you worry anymore. I thought I could fix it.” Toni explained, voice shaking. Her hands hovered in front of her face. 

“What, so you were just gonna die without ever asking for help? What kind of plan is that? You just die, and we never get to know why? ”

“I was going to put an explanation in my will,” Toni mumbled, eyes falling to the floor, arms wrapping around her chest.

Rhodey sighed loudly. “How is that fair? You’d leave us with a mess to clean up,. Do you think that is somehow better?”

“I wouldn’t leave a mess. I split up all my assets. Made sure everything important was taken care of.”

“God, Toni.” Rhodey whined, pacing the floor like a caged lion. 

Rhodey then froze, reading the display. Toni watched him flipping through things manipulating the models. 

“I looked through all of that for months,” Toni said bitterly, laying her head on the counter.

“Turns out your big brain can’t solve everything on its own.” Rhodey answered scrolling through a file.

“No, apparently not. Thanks for the salt, by the way, really needed that.”

“I meant I know how to fix your problem,” Rhodey explained. “This formula would work with the right base metal. All you need is vibranium.”

“I don’t have that, just the alloys SI uses.” 

“Yeah, you do, or at least you have friends who do. J., call Prince T'challa.”

A few moments passed before the large screen clicked over to show an image of T’challa.

“I should know that if anyone could bypass our firewall, it would be you, Ms. Stark.” He said with a bright smile

“Well, I figured you wouldn’t mind.” Toni joked back with a pained smile.

“No, not really. You will have to tell us how you did it, though.”

“A magician never reveals their secrets.”

“No time for small talk.” Rhodey cut in, “I need to know if you’d be willing to help us.”

“Most likely, what do you need?”

“Access to your lab and materials,” Toni answered, breaking into heavy coughing, her vision blurring over.

“Why?” T’challa asked with a concerned expression.

“She's dying and was too stubborn to ask for help before it poisoned her whole body,” Rhodey huffed. 

“What happened?” T’challa questioned.

“The reactor runs on palladium,” Toni coughed.

“That would kill you,” T’challa said. “You think you can replace it with our Vibranium?”

“Yes. But I also need some of the great tech you have to synthesize it.” Toni said. She leaned forward, sending T’challa the necessary information. She winced at the movements and Rhodey instinctually helped her sit back.

T’challa’s brow knit together his mouth, frowning. “It’d be hard, but yes, we have the materials for this.”

“Thank you,” Rhodey exhaled with relief. 

“We would need you. There are no reactor specifications here, so someone would have to ensure we made the components the right size and compatibility.”

“Right, I was going to come anyway. We do have to put it into my chest, kinda a necessary element there.”

“Well, yes. I suppose so.”

“I’m gonna call my pilot... just finish sending him anything he needs, please?” Toni said, turning to Rhodey.

“Course, Tones,” Rhodey said with a nod.

As Toni made her way out of the lab, Rhodey stared after her, sighing and dropping his head down once she was out of sight.

“The only things left to send are some of the dimensions, specs for the equipment, I think,” Rhodey said, moving files on the screen

“You must be the famous Sergeant Rhodes, yes?”

“Oh yeah. Guess we never met before, I’m Sergeant James Rhodes” Rhoda said, making eye contact with T’challa. “I forgot, I only ever spoke to the Dorja during the rescue mission.”

“General Okoye spoke very highly of you. But I knew it must be you when Ms. Stark allowed you to help her,” T'challa said as he looked over his own screen. 

“Really?”

“I may not have spent that much time with Ms. Stark, but it is clear she does not trust easily, especially when it comes to her personal matters.”

“I guess not. We’ve been close for a long time, though. We’ve been through quite a bit together.”

“It will be interesting, in the future, to hear about your funny college adventures,” T’challa said with a reassuring smile.

“Just help me save her; or, really, help her save herself. She’s already done 90% of the work herself.”

“We will do our best.”

“No offence your Majesty, but doing your best isn’t enough. I’m not gonna lose her, okay?”

“Yes, Sergeant Rhodes. I understand.”

“Thank you,” Rhodey said, closing out the call.

##  ~~~~~

“Poor Pepper, she’s gonna be so pissed,” Toni said, staring out onto the large expanse of blue and white visible from the plane window

“Well, you are leaving her midway through your event. All because you were too stubborn to let us know what you needed.” Rhodey grumbled. 

“Are you just gonna be mad forever?” Toni muttered, laying her head on the palm of her hand.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be mad!  Did you think it would be okay to just die and leave us? ”

“I told you, I made a plan. I wasn’t going to leave you high and dry. I know I almost did that before, I wasn’t going to do that again. It was all set up.”

“Toni, that is so not the point!” Rhodey said, falling back into his chair.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just didn’t think you’d want to deal with something I did to myself. I’m the idiot who didn’t start fixing it right away. I’m the idiot who made it that way in the first place. I’m the idiot who fucked my body up. It’s my mess. I was trying to not put it on you, Pepper, Happy. You’re good people.” Toni shouted. Her throat burned like a mother fucker from the strain and she leaned back in her seat. Coughing again, she grimaced at the taste of iron in her mouth. 

“God, Tones, we’ve been doing this dance for a decade. I’d rather spend hours in your stupid lab with the bots and warm soda then lose you, okay? I’d rather hold your hair while you vomit than find you choking on it again! I will always pick you up, but you can’t drag me around either.”

“I’m sorry. I really am, Rhodey, I know I fucked up. I honestly didn’t think you’d want to know.”

“I want to help you. I’ve been saying it for years: I got your six. Just, for the love of all that is holy, don’t keep secrets that could kill you anymore, okay?”

“Right, yes.” Toni nodded.

That sat for a long moment without speaking: Rhodey with his eyes closed, leaning against his chair, and Toni rubbing her thumbs together, looking at the table. It hurt to know he was hurting like this, Toni really wished there was a way to make it up to him. To break this awful tension. 

“Fine. I won’t be mad anymore. But I will bring this up when we argue, got it?” Rhodey broke the silence.

“Only if I get to use ‘ I was dying’ as an excuse.”Toni looked up, meeting his calmed eyes, which were quirked as a result of the half-smile he was now wearing. 

“Sure, fine,” Rhodey agreed, childishly kicking her leg under the table.

##  ~~~~~

Rhodey woke with a start to Toni throwing up into the sink.

“Hey, you okay?”

“No, I’m dying. Thought we covered that.” Toni said in between heaves.

Rhodey brought her a cup of water after she was done so she could rinse out her mouth. Sitting back into the chair, she rested her head on Rhodey’s chest.

“If I do die, you have to watch out for the bots and JARVIS.”

Rhodey faltered for a second, part of him wanting to tell her to not think like that. But he also knew their plan wasn’t fool-proof, and she looked like absolute hell. He’d seen her almost dead before, more than once. Positive thinking wouldn’t get them out of this. “Yeah, I’ll watch out for them.”

“I’m so tired,” Toni said, her voice cracking.

“I know,” Rhodey said.

“No, Rhodey, I just...I’ve been tired for so long. I think...I think part of me doesn’t care, ya know? But I also don’t want to die, I do want to do more, do something good for people. But it’s just so much, it all hurts so much.”

“Yeah, well, whatever your brain is thinking of still doing, think about that.”

“JARVIS says to do one thing at a time.” Toni said.

“Well, then do that. What’s next?”

“First, I want ginger ale,” Toni said sitting back. “My mouth tastes like ass.”

“Good. I’ll get the soda.”

Toni closed her eyes. She liked Wakanda, but she was a bit nervous. She couldn’t be her trademarked version of ‘Toni Stark’ with them. They’d seen her way too vulnerable, too real, for that to work. It was like a family reunion or something; these were the people who had seen her at her most stupid, and had the photographic evidence to prove it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update! Let me know what you think


	9. Family Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Chronic illness, medical, past CSA, past domestic abuse, 
> 
> Not sure how to put it but this chapter contains the fear of losing loved ones, something I myself couldn't have edited for a period of time
> 
> Playlist  
> Songs: 24-28
> 
> [Spotify Link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)   
>  [YouTube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

When Toni walked out of the plane, T’challa was standing with Queen Ramonda, and both had smiles on their faces. Seeing that made her own face light up in a reflection of their positive emotions. 

“Hello, your majesties,” Toni said, walking up to them. Rhodey followed with his duffel slung over his shoulder, dragging her bag behind him. 

“Good to see you, Ms. Toni,” T’challa said, placing his hands on Toni’s shoulder, “Or should I say, your Majesty, Queen of Iron.”

“Maybe you should,” Toni smirked at him. 

“Shuri’s been working on it since you called. You’ll be okay.” T’challa punctuated his sentence with a solemn nod, his voice having dropped a few decibels and the weight of his hand increasing. 

Toni didn’t mind the feeling of his hand on her shoulder... that much.

“Ms. Toni,” the Queen said, hugging her. Toni was surprised by the greeting, but she only started a bit, “Good to see you.”

“Nice to see you, Your Majesty,” Toni said as the warmth of the Queen pushed back on the cold that had settled in her bones. Then the Queen stepped back, making the cold crawl right back into place.

“You must be Sargent Rhodes,” Tachala said.

“Pleasure to meet you in person, Prince T’challa.”

They shared a stiff handshake, showing off power like men seemed to want to do, but it didn’t devolve into a total testosterone feud.

“Your majesty, I’m Sargent Rhodes,” Rhodey greeted the queen.

“It’s a pleasure. Toni has told us much about you, and General Okoye spoke highly of your work overseas.” the Queen said.

“Thank you,” Rhodey replied. 

The Queen turned to Toni. “I thought we agreed the next time I saw you, you would not be dying.”

“Okay, this time it isn’t totally my fault. I didn’t blow the hole in my chest!” Toni defended.

“Yes, speaking of which; our techs have started putting together the equipment you require to fix the reactor.” the Queen explained. 

Toni’s emotions got the best of her and she experienced quite the head rush, bumping into Rhodey. Pity, concern, and sadness flowed across the Queen's face. Toni's cheeks flushed; making the Queen sad made her feel like shit. It wasn’t like she deserved their help in the first place. “Thank you, for all of this. I know this is such a mess, and you shouldn’t have to fix my screw-ups again. I’m sorry...” 

“I will hear none of that. You are part of Wakanda, I told you as much years back. Respect and being there, should we ever call, is all the thanks we desire. It does no good to put yourself down when you ought to just say thank you.” Ramonda chided.

“Right, ah, thanks,” Toni mumbled, rubbing her neck. 

“Let’s get inside, you look like you’re about to pass out.” T'challa bristled, leading them inside.

The cold air rushed over the group as he entered. Rhodey let out a low whistle and T’challa shot them a smile from in front of them.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Toni whispered to Rhodey, leaning her weight on him. She was already so fucking tired.

“I mean, yeah,” Rhodey hummed, gripping Toni closer so she did not fall on her face.

They went to the parlour and sat down. Tea was brought in, and they sat in mostly comfortable silence for a second. Toni was pretty sure this was a way of letting her rest without embarrassing her. She probably would have just passed out trying to get all the way to Shuri’s lab in one go. Her stupid body was not doing body things that day. 

Their rest was interrupted when Shuri slid into the room. 

“Toni!” She greeted with a big grin

“Hey, Princess Shuri,” Toni said with a tired smile.

“I’m sorry you got sick,” Shuri said, rocking from foot to foot slightly.

“It’s alright.” Toni shrugged drinking from her cup, sincerely wishing it had alcohol, but the likelihood she would get any was pretty much impossible. It made sense, of course, but whatever.

“Did you bring one of the Iron Queen suits?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Oh, that’s great. I mean, I could make one on my own, of course”

“Of course,” Toni said with an exaggerated nod, Shuri could make her own armour with her brain, with the added advantage of Vibranium based tech. But Shuri could at least concede that Iron Queen was hard to make. Also, the one thing Shuri wouldn't have is JARVIS.

"But your work would still be cool to look at.” Shuri conceded.

“Thank you, I think?” Toni joked. 

“Anyway, I was looking over the designs you sent. We had almost everything in the lab, of course, but I need to look at the actual reactor to know for sure what I need to look at. Also, our doctor wants to talk about output so we don’t accidentally explode your heart. Because that would really suck.”

“Fair enough, that would suck for sure,” Toni replied.

“Great, come on.”

“Shuri,” Romanda intoned, “We are having tea. Why don’t you join us?”

“Of course,” Shuri said sitting next to Toni.

“Shuri, what were you working on before you switched to the reactor?” Toni asked, knowing getting Shuri focused on her designs would get them talking, so they could do something that wouldn’t require her moving more than her mind. Shuri was also smarter than she was, so she could always learn something from the Wakandan princess.

“Oh, you’ll love this. I’ve started more practical work on the energy reflecting tech we looked at way back when; remember that?”

“Yeah, of course, I do,” Toni said.

Rhodey grinned. Shuri was quite similar to a younger Toni. Hopefully not exactly like her, though. He couldn’t help but feel nostalgic when Shuri ended up on her knees describing something to Toni with a giant smile on her face, just like Toni did when they were in college. The conversation soon devolved into a discussion about the possibility of Star Trek spaceships.

“Say you could build the structure; even you guys haven’t gone faster than light yet.” Toni accused.

“But we have quantum computing.”

“So? That doesn’t change human physiology. ”

“Yeah, if you do it wrong, but I’m not Tom Paris”

“You're not Superman either!”

Shuri started to run off a string of numbers and terms about quantum disruptions, and countering the effects on biology from radiation and travel. 

Rhodey laughed a bit. T'challa sat next to him, “Sargent Rhodes, do you follow any of this?”

“I’m good with actual machines and code, but not the pure number of stuff. I can't keep up.”

“I often feel as if they are speaking another language.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve debated Star Trek with Toni before, but not like that. It’s usually more about how dumb the directors are. Oh, and also about how Jadzia/Kira is the only true DS9 ship, or sometimes just about the colour of the uniforms. Toni likes debating pretty much everything,” Rhodey said wistfully.

“I never saw much of the argumentative Toni when she was here before,” T’challa commented.

“Well, you saw her during some pretty shitty times. Chances are you also scared the shit out of her, even if she wouldn’t say as much.”

“Well, not in those words. She just accused my father of wanting to have sex with her.”

“Well, yeah.” Rhodey shrugged and took a sip from his cup.

“Do you feel okay enough to take a look at the machines now?” Shuri asked.

“Sure, yeah,” Toni smiled.

##  ~~~~~

They spent the next few hours on the machine, trying to alter the Vibranium. Toni mostly looked over the metals and minerals, letting the not-dying people lug things around. 

Toni bit her lip when one of the Wakandan doctors came in. The idea of someone touching the reactor made her skin crawl. She squeezed her eyes shut, laying her hand on top of the rough edges to soothe herself. 

“Hello, Ms. Stark,” The doctor said-- she had a warm smile. “I’m Doctor M’laka.”

“Nice to meet you,” Toni said with a nod.

“You must be Sergeant Rhodes,” M’laka said, looking above Toni’s head.

The corners of Toni’s mouth flicked up reflexively, knowing Rhodey was watching out for her. 

“Well, we should have a look at the situation,” M’laka said.

Tony started breathing through her nose in anticipation. The doctor put her bag on the table and laid everything out. 

“We’ll start off slow with vitals. I’m going to put the cuff on your arm.”

Toni nodded, and it began. Each step went like that; Toni felt a bit silly at how slow she went. The doc's behaviour also had that weird vibe people gave her when they...knew things. When they treated Toni like she was made of glass. The exam was aggravating her nerves, but she wasn't anywhere near freak-out mode.

The Doctor checked Toni’s blood toxicity and couldn’t help but give away her concern at that number. Toni was torn between being annoyed at the judgment, or being a bit ashamed of her lying. 

It was time for her to look at the actual reactor.

“To get a better look, why don’t we go somewhere with fewer people?” M’laka said, nodding to the door. Toni sighed and followed, her anxiety tightening like a vice around her ribs and throat. 

Toni walked through the door to a small parlour. She swayed slightly, quickly and roughly sitting down on the nearest couch. 

“You can wait outside, we need privacy,” M’laka said, standing in the doorway, blocking it. 

“Ah, no. I’m not letting Toni go through this alone,” Rhodey’s voice sounded agitated.

“I promise I will work with the utmost caution. I understand the delica...”

“No, you don’t,” Rhodey insisted.

“It’s okay, he can come in,” Toni cut in before it became a fight.

“Okay, if that’s what will make you most comfortable,” M’laka said, not leaving the doorway.

“Yeah, it’s fine” Toni shrugged.

“It’s up to you,” M’laka said, putting heavy emphasis on the last word.

“Yes, it will probably go better with him here, actually,” Toni reassured.

“It’s just generally not policy to let non-family in during a procedure--privacy and all that. And on top of that, he’s a man. But I figure this time, I'll make an exception,” M’laka’s said with a sigh.

Toni changed into a gown, feeling deeply uncomfortable leaving it open without her bra on. A deep pang of gratitude ran through her when she found out she got to keep her sweat pants on. As she laid down on the couch, Toni took a deep breath. She shut her eyes tight, doing her best to not think of Obie, or hands, or being frozen, or Yinsen’s lifeless eyes. Without thinking of it, Toni's hand slipped off the bed, reaching out erratically. 

Rhodey saw Toni’s flailing hand, and he was next to her in a heartbeat. Toni’s eyes opened, looking genuinely surprised. “I got you,” Rhodey said, with a nod that Toni returned. 

“I’m going to start now,” M’klala informed them. 

Toni nodded stiffly.

The doctor made quick work of her job, explaining each action she took, which served to keep Toni grounded enough that she never forgot where she was. It was mostly just measuring things, taking a few pictures, and lots of notes. The first time prolonged physical contact happened, panic had shot through her spine, but Toni was proud to say she barely flinched. It hurt like a mother fucker when some fancy Wakandan antiseptic was placed around the reactor. Not only was it just sore, but apparently some small cuts were in the skin around it. 

“Okay, we’re finished,” M’kala said. “Are you all right, Ms. Toni?”

“Yeah, just tired,” Toni said, rubbing her hand across her neck.

“I suggest you sleep then.” She gave Toni a small smile.

“Good idea,” Toni yawned. Toni stood, swaying harshly and almost losing her footing. The doctor came over, steadying her. 

Toni rolled her eyes but smiled. Outside the door, Rhodey had a wheelchair. Toni opened her mouth to say she didn’t need it, but Rhodey didn’t even let her start.

“Don’t want to hear it, sit down. Trying to walk the whole way is gonna end with you passing out on their nice floors,” Rhodey said. “Right Doctor M’kala?”

“Yes. Use the chair please, Ms. Toni.”

Toni did--no use fighting the inevitable.

##  ~~~~~

Rhodey was in his room, pacing back and forth. Toni was sleeping in the next room over, which would normally be a good thing, but it had been twelve hours. That was a long time even normally, but Toni slept six hours, max, on a good day. There had been exactly two times he’d seen her sleep for long periods of time; right after what happened with Ty, and then when they’d gotten back from that godforsaken desert. Those were both times when she had been two seconds from dying. Which meant she was, at this time, likely two seconds from death, and the thought of losing her was consuming him. He genuinely didn’t know what he’d do without her; for over a decade, she’d been one of the most important people in his life--his best friend. He’d spent a lot of time taking care of her: if she died, the gaping hole in his heart would never be filled again. 

Would he even be able to look at Pepper or Happy in the face of their failure?? He imagined having to explain to the little bots what happened... God, could he even do maintenance on JARVIS? Not to mention that seeing each other and hearing each other's voices would only make the loss of Toni that much more obvious. 

The nervous energy got the best of him, and he threw his suitcase at the wall. He tossed the blankets around the room too. He opted for his own laptop over their breakfast tray. Toni had made it extra durable and if it did break, he could fix it--breaking something that belonged to the people trying to save his friend's life seemed ungrateful. Thankfully, Toni’s engineering could stand up to his best throw, so he was left breathing hard, with nothing broken, in a sea of clothes, blankets, a laptop charger, and a few travel toiletries. It was hard just waiting, but he didn’t feel qualified to impose on what Shuri and her team were doing, and had no medical knowledge to tell him what to do once the reactor was changed. He did know how the reactor worked. Toni had shown him after enough begging; she had apparently enjoyed the show, and had intended on showing him anyway. 

The slightly embarrassing memory replay was cut short when the Prince walked in, and he felt his cheeks grow hot.

T’Challa merely cleared his throat and looked him in the eye, “Sargent Rhodes, I wanted to have a word with you.”

“Yes, Prince T’challa, of course.”

They walked down a long hallway Rhodey became so lost in his thoughts that he almost fell down some stairs. They were twisted and would probably be called servant stairs in a normal castle. The moment of tight space had sent a spike of concern up his spine. It’s not that he didn’t trust them or anything, but soldiers were posted everywhere, and he had seen some shit, so nerves were completely warranted, in his opinion.

An impressive kitchen sprawled out in front of them; everything shiny and fancy with screens everywhere. Toni and JARVIS would approve. 

Metal bars crossed in front of a barely visible area; it looked a bit like one of the cage things that covered shopping mall stores. This was Wakanda, so it opened with a palm reader, of course. T’challa uncovered what looked like a full-service bar built into their kitchen.

“Thought you could use a drink,” T’challa explained. 

“Yeah, probably could.” 

A bartender appeared like magic and fixed them drinks. 

“Thanks,” he said, taking a bracing sip. This whole ordeal had him feel really tired, everything needed to hurry up. He only had so much left--of course, Toni was worth it, but he couldn’t help feeling he’d have none left to use if something happened with her or his other family later. 

“Sargent Rhodes,”

“Just Rhodes is fine.”

“Rhodes, then. How are you liking Wakanda?”

“It’s very nice. You got really cool tech, which I appreciate. And a pretty different way of doing things than America. Much less racist and sexist, and way more shiny.”

“Culture shock, but at least the changes are good.” T’challa said with a nod, “Not to pry, but what are your intentions with Toni? Do you have a romantic interest in her?’

Rhodey laughed, “That’s my line! I’m the big brother who gives the shovel talk.”

“That’s a no?”

“No, I view her the same way as my younger sister, Jen.”

“I understand, I view Toni platonically as well. When I met her, she was struggling and was, to be frank, a kind of annoying kid. “

“I had the same experience. She was fourteen and in way over her head with no one to pull her out. I’ve spent the past decade just trying to make sure she doesn’t sleepwalk off the ledge.”

“You’ve known her for a very long time.”

“Yeah, I have. Speaking of a long time, do you want to see an old, funny picture of me, Toni and Jen?”

“Sure,” T'Challa said, leaning over the phone Rhodes held out.

The picture showed a slightly younger Rhodes and Toni, and an even younger girl with her hair in box braids, presumably Jen. They were on a couch, and Toni had a bit of an annoyed look on her face, but her eyes danced in a way you didn't see very often. Rhodey had thrown up bunny ears behind his sister, who pulled a funny face, sticking her tongue out and going cross-eyed.

“My mother took it, one of the best days of my life. I had both my girls there. I wish it could be like that more, instead of, well, this.” Rhodey said slightly wistfully. T'challa gave him a knowing smile that matched the slightly melancholy atmosphere that laid over them. 

“I understand, my family is normally quite happy, but tension reigns supreme anyway. We have a lot of responsibility and pressure on us. I love my people and my kingdom, but I can't pretend I don’t occasionally wish to hit pause. To take my friends out of harm's way, take out the Dora and the spies, make my sister stop growing up. Ensure my father's health, take away my mother's worries. But, thankfully, the good days far outnumber the bad.”

“That’s a very good outlook,” Rhodey said, running his hand over his face. 

“I can’t pretend I'm not--I suppose the word would be ‘emotional,’--sometimes, but I have pride in my people. I don't want to let them down. ”

“Here’s to that. 

The two men clinked glasses and stared into the dim light for a quiet moment.

##  ~~~~~

Toni woke up to Rhodey shaking her arm. Sitting up that fast gave her a massive headache, and she cursed under her breath. 

“What da ya want,” Toni muttered, grasping for the aspirin on the bedside table.

“They finished, you can make the replacement.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Yeah, it is.” Rhodey gave her a reassuring, but also clearly nervous, smile.

The whole scene was tense placing the Vibranium in the collider and turning it on. When the atomic makeup stabilized, she let out the breath that she had been holding, which hurt double with the soreness in her chest. The current state of poor oxygen absorption made this whole ‘being nervous’ shit rather difficult. 

Cutting it down to size took only a moment with the laser cutter. At home she would have done it by hand--it felt more real and solid that way--but this was Shuri’s turf, and standing made her woozy.

When it was done, all that was left was surgery. It would be tricky, of course, even with their amazing surgical equipment and the post-operation plan of dosing her with chelation fluids and some Wakandan medicine she was too foggy to understand. 

But she had always survived on stubbornness and a prayer anyway; this time shouldn’t be any different. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that's some emotions!!!
> 
> Let me know what you think


	10. Stubbornness and A Prayer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: past sexual assault, past child abuse, medical procedures 
> 
> Playlist Songs 29-31
> 
> [YouTube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=ssshdq59QIaZebUvXV812Q)

Toni sat up. The air felt stale, she felt sticky wires all across her, and pain infected her chest and abdomen. She couldn’t remember what was going on. The weight crushing her and stinging radiating down her legs made it all seem really bad, whatever it was. Thoughts of batteries and cold water, hands pushing her down, filled her body. Toni’s throat was dry but she was able to cough out, 

“Rhodey! Rhodey, JARVIS!” Nothing changed; the bright lights and white room brought her back to her memories of being a teenager, making the pain running through her whole body take up a whole new meaning. 

Then, someone she didn’t recognize came in, telling her to calm down and looking at a monitor which was beeping up a storm. Dizziness overcame her and she flopped backwards.

Then, everything was fine again, Rhodey was next to her holding her hand, the comforting form of her best friend holding her warmly. Queen Romanda’s face swam into view. Both of them were wearing hospital masks, eyes full of concern. The doctor who came in next made the situation come back into focus. 

“Palladium?” She croaked out.

“The levels are almost down, and the core in the reactor was placed. We kept you under and we tried to replace some damage around the reactor, but that precipitated cardiac arrest symptoms so we stopped and let your body rest.”

“Why'd you do that?” Toni asked. “We didn’t agree to that.”

“We agreed to repair the damage done by the palladium and do the replacement, but the previous damage to cardiac and lung tissue is concerning. Not to mention the shrapnell; we ought to be able to remove it, but even our doctors haven’t found a safe way.”

Toni just closed her eyes, her lungs felt tight. When her eyes closed, Rhodey's grasp tightened to match the feeling in her lungs. A cannula slid under her nose and she slipped into blackness. 

## ~~~~~

A few days were spent in a half-dazed state in the hospital. But finally she was let out--in a wheelchair, but Toni didn’t give a fuck. Being able to do anything was nice. They had ‘family’ meals, where Rhodey, T’challa, and Shuri swapped stories, which usually ended up with Shuri and T’challa attempting to embarrass each other. Toni didn’t really feel like sharing; Rhodey had done funny things, but she hardly found them embarrassing. And her childhood had been more melodramatic than a sitcom. But the interactions warmed her heart. 

Toni enjoyed seeing her most trusted people get to know each other without the threat of her death looming over them. Thus, Toni felt a sense of foreboding when she came into her room--after a rather painful shower--to see Rhodey on the bed, rubbing his hands on his pants. 

“What’s up?” Toni asked, ruffling her towel on her hair. 

“I’ve been here for 9 days.” Rhodey was looking just to the left of Toni’s face. 

“So?” Toni asked, knowing what was about to come. Her heart climbed into her throat. 

“I’ve got to go home.”

“Right,” Toni said, mouth feeling dry again. 

“But, Pepper is coming here to stay with you.”

“Oh shit, Pepper, I abandoned her to fix my mistakes, again. How could I do that? Didn’t even explain...” Toni muttered, staring at the floor, gripping her head with her hands. 

“It’s fine Toni, Jarvis filled her in,” Rhodey said, passing her the JARVIS earpod.

“He is right, Ms. Toni. I filled Ms Potts in on why you left the expo, and informed her that you are alive.” 

“Oh, that's good. But I’m sure I made her mad, God, if she doesn’t want to come she doesn’t have to. I lied and I just let myself almost die and I hurt her...”

“Ms. Toni, before you talk yourself into a panic attack; Ms. Potts appeared to be mad at you for your lies of omission, not for being sick. Her comment was: ‘If she didn’t have a stupid martyr complex then she would have just told me. That way I could plan her stupid expo and we could have seen a doctor together. But no, she had to do it all on her fucking own like she always does.' She then huffed and added, ‘Please tell me how it goes; don’t bother her, just make sure she is safe, okay?”

“Oh, right,” Toni said, fiddling with her lockets around her chest. 

“Well, anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow, but just keep me updated baby girl, okay?” Rhodey said with a sad smile. 

Toni rolled forward and held him tight in her arms, tears falling silently from her. “I was so scared, Rhodey bear.”

“I know Tones, I know.”

“But it’s good now, for now, it's okay. I don’t have to be scared.”

“Nope, you got good people here, and I'm always by the phone.”

“Yeah.”

They pulled apart and Toni flopped out of her wheelchair and onto the bed, wrapping the covers around her. 

## ~~~~~

Rhodey wandered from Toni’s room and sat on a balcony overlooking Wakanda, heaving his feet over the edge with a sigh. It was a pretty beautiful place, one of the most beautiful he’d ever seen. You could actually see Wakanda’s protective barrier flickering if you looked up, covering the people in a net of techno-safety. But that didn’t disrupt the view of the stars in any real way. Stars, he had dreamed of getting closer to his whole life. He used planes, for now, spaceships maybe one day, to see everything from a new view, to just know what it felt like. The rush at supersonic speeds, the way the air thinned, made everything feel a little less real.

His reverie was jolted when the woman he thought was Nakia joined him and held out a hand. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lieutenant Rhodes.” She said with a smile.

“Pleasure,..”

“Nakia.”

“Ah yes, Prince T’challa and Toni spoke highly of you.”

“I’ve heard good things about you as well,” Nakia replied.

“You have a beautiful home,” Rhodey said, turning to face the view.

“I’ve always thought so.”

A few beats went by in silence until she turned her whole body to face Rhodey.

“I’m going to ask a likely invasive question.”

“Okay, “ Rhodey said, squaring his shoulders towards Nakia. 

“It’s likely not my place, but I was wondering if you knew who sexually abused Toni.”

Rhodey felt his muscles tense, eyes meeting Nakia’s, searching over her face for some kind of clue as to why she would ask such a question. “It’s not my place to give that information. It’s Toni’s story,” he eventually got out.

“I became aware of this when I first met her. Her behaviour was that of an abuse victim. I picked up that her father was cruel; I had met him on a business trip when I was younger where I learned of his disrespect for others. The fact that she assumed King T'chaka would attack The Queen if angered it makes it clear that her father was a domestic abuser. ”

“Well, Toni would gladly agree that Howard Stark was a bastard. And I will freely admit I never liked the man, he treated his daughter like a bargaining chip and looked at me like I was the scum on his shoe.”

“But was he the one who sexually assaulted her?”

Rhodey didn’t reply, just held her gaze.

“Alright, not him. Was it Obadiah Stane?”

Rhodey couldn't help it, the anger flared like a match thrown in his gut. He felt like it was written on his body. Nakia nodded.

“Guess that’s best, he’s already dead. Though it’s a pity I don’t get to be the one to wipe him from the face of the planet.”

Rhodey half-smiled, shaking his head, “I’m sorry, you’d have to get in line behind me, Pepper, Toni's robots, and Happy Hogan.” Rhodey chose to leave out that Toni had been the one to kill him--it was Toni's business who knew about that. 

“I suppose that’s true. Having known her longest, you should get the first shot.”

“To be completely honest, I think Pepper would stab him with a stiletto heel before you or I got a chance.”

She smiled, “I'm looking forward to meeting such a fierce woman.”

“Why didn’t you just ask Toni?”

“She’d never tell me. And to be honest, while anyone can read her pain on her face, I believe she is still an excellent liar.”

“Yeah, that’s true. She hid her Palladium poisoning from me for months, as well as many of the other injuries and cruelties she’s dealt with. ”

Nakia placed her hand on his shoulder, “You're not the only who has let a friend get hurt. I’ve messed up on missions and lost people. So you're not alone.”

“Yeah,” was all Rhodey could say. 

## ~~~~~

Rhodey left in a flurry of goodbyes and ‘it was nice to meet you’s. Toni’s mind was not present though, her thoughts were currently in another dimension. Even the tight squeeze of her Rhodey Bear’s arms couldn’t ground her. 

_“Ms. Toni, he said goodbye,”_ JARVIS said through her ear piece.

“Right, ah, bye Rhodey,” Toni mumbled.

“Just be safe,” Rhodey said and walked away. 

The plane took off and all she could think to do was wrap her hands around her arms, feeling cold as fuck. 

_“Ms. Toni, time to go inside.”_ JARVIS reminded her.

Breakfast was hard, and she could feel three pairs of eyes on her for a little while, checking on, her she supposed. But they all quickly became absorbed in a conversation with King T’chaka when he came in and servants had to bring in new food. Toni could blend in; she did eat her food, since feeling less energetic was not on her list of goals for the day. Her body felt enough like a giant bruise.

The actual detox from the poisoning was likely faster here than it would be at any other place. But her body was still taking its time coming back to not moving like the un-oiled Tin Man. Toni just drifted around the palace, wheeling in circles. Moving her arms felt good and the long halls made for a fun game of going as fast as possible and seeing how far she could glide. The air moving fast brought her back to reality. Slamming the breaks gave her a nice rush.

_“Ms. Toni, feeling better? Your blood pressure has levelled out.”_ JARVIS asked.

“Yeah, actually, I do,” Toni replied.

She rolled slower through the halls then, being nosy and exploring the palace. She probably wasn’t really meant to be in some of the places she went, but even in the wheelchair Toni’s experience at eavesdropping kept her out of anyone's attention. 

Nosiness paid off when she heard soft sniffles from one of the terrace gardens. She rolled out to see Shuri sitting on the ground, leaning back on one of the diving walls. Green bushes, flower-covered arbors, and brick walls made it all look very idyllic. Braids woven in with bejewelled threads and flowing red skirts gave Shuri the appearance of a forlorn fairytale princess. 

“How we doing princess?” Toni asked.

Shuri stiffened, “I'm hiding and crying, you can likely guess for yourself.”

“Utterly fantastic?” Toni quipped.

Shuri flipped Toni off without turning around.

Toni smirked and rolled the wheelchair to be side by side with the Wakandan princess, “Scootch.”

Shuri moved, but didn’t look at Toni’s face. The other raised flower bed blocked the terrace view and made the bright day seem a bit dimmer. It was a good place to be sad, but Shuri’s posture and face read more as royally pissed-off-stiff as she held a glaring contest with the flower petals on the ground. 

“So, who are we angry at? Do I need to get out my blaster?”

“My dad, and I think you’d get executed for that.”

“Yeah, well. Depending on what he did, I'd risk it.”

“He never listens, and expects me to be someone I'm not.”

“Dads are like that, it’s the worst.” Toni leaned her head on the wall and glanced at Shuri, and smiled when the younger girl met her eyes. 

“I just, I love Wakanda. So much! He doesn’t see that I can love Wakanda differently than he and T’challa do. They see honour to the old leaders as the pinnacle of respect, but I don't. I want to be something more than we are, not sit stagnated. Ya know?

Toni heaved herself to the ground so she could be properly next to the other girl. It always felt better when Rhodey was able to hold her hand if need be, and Toni was trying very hard to be a good friend. 

“It’s not his job to choose my whole future, I can blend outside fashion with Wakandan, and my technology can be blended with our traditions, like our whole city has. I can be my own princess, next-generation Wakanda, not anything else, but not less than that. I don’t want to be someone I'm not, I don't want to play pretend. Do you understand what I am saying?” 

“I do. My father and mother had my whole life charted.”

“But you did something different.”

Toni snorted, “Please don’t. You don’t want that life the way I did.”

“Well, duh, you're a cool woman, but I would like to do this without almost killing myself and being kidnapped.”

“Smart kid.”

“I don’t want to start a big fuss either. I love the King and Queen. I do respect T’challa and this place. If they ever thought I didn’t, I’d be crushed. I want them to understand.”

“Well, I like the Queen and T’challa very much, and I understand conflict can suck. But depending on what it is they want from you, saying no is fine and maybe even preferable. In my teen years, my mom wanted to set me up with this douchebag. He was a prick, and saying no would have been smart.”

Shuri started to laugh. Toni was confused, but the sound brought a smile to her face.

“I’m a princess, shouldn’t my parents be the one marrying me off?”

“Hey, you guys may have the throne, but the American oligarchy is all about those power marriages.” 

“Well, that’s not the problem. It's more about if I get a say outside my bubble, in what Wakanda does and becomes. How do we handle law, work with the tribes, handle rituals? I want to be involved in politics. And I know I’m still young, but they say it won’t ever be my job, that’s T’challa and his wives’ and kids’ duty. Like, if you only needed one kid, why’d you have another?!”

Bitterness dripped from the last phrase, and Toni had to plant her hands on the ground to counteract the panic that spiked at the meaning behind those words. Shuri, for even one minute, thinking she wasn’t worth having, was scary. Toni knew what that looked like, and Shuri was definitely wanted. But feeling like that was terrible, and it led to a path of carelessness and self-hatred. 

“Shuri, you are important and loved, okay? ”

“I know that, it’s the stupid ‘rules’ that frustrate me. They are so committed to them that they don’t see straight. They start saying everything about is tradition. ” 

“I’m about to go against my convictions for the past 20 odd years of my life. But, hear me out-- have you tried talking about it? Not yelling, or being passive aggressive, actually talking.”

“I mean, kind of. We usually just end up arguing, and the queen leaves, and T’challa storms out.”

“Okay, well, try talking to them one on one or some shit like that.”

“You've almost given me advice,” Shuri said, sounding surprised.

“Hey, I can give advice.”

“Really.”

“Well, I have a very good CV on everything not to do. Turning your problems inward ‘til you inevitably explode does not normally work. So I know to tell you not to do that.”

“Sound logic.”

“Thanks.”

Shuri leaned on Toni’s shoulder. It was nice, if even just for a moment, that she could forget it all. Just have a moment of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!!


	11. Moment of Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: chronic illness, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, past abuse, past sexual abuse, past csa, discussion of severe health issues
> 
> Playlists:  
> [ YouTube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [ Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=svdAiiLPQJquBcKnzOKGFw)  
> Songs 32-35

Pepper Potts walked into an unfortunately familiar medical suite and saw Toni sitting, stiff and strained. The tension in her shoulders was painful to see. 

“Well, your blood shows no signs of metal poisoning, so that’s good, and your heartbeat is more regular. Though do be careful with that; it’s stable now, but we can’t heal the damage from the shrapnel fully, it’s not yet possible. It’s a stroke of luck your heart didn’t give out when you sustained the injury. You really ought to let us follow up--if Wakanda can’t fix it then no one else will be able to.”

“Oh, of course ‘if Wakanda can’t fix it then no one can’ because you're the only smart people in the world right? None of us are good enough. You’re right, I should have died--but it was not luck. Ho Yinsen saved me. He might not have had all your fancy technology, but he saved me.” Toni snapped.

“Can’t we just say you're all smart and get on with it?” Pepper sighed.

At the sound of Pepper’s voice, Toni jumped and turned. “You trying to kill me?!”

The Doctor gave Pepper a quick nod, “Good to meet you, Ms. Potts, I’m Doctor M’laka”

“Pleasure. So, Toni. How are you?”

“Not dying anymore. Still got a fucked heart, but the treatment for blood poison helped that premature liver damage I kind of gave myself!” Toni gave Pepper a smile, but Pepper just raised an eyebrow.

“You’re free to go; you can trade your wheelchair in for crutches, so that should make you happy. But take things slow, and rest for at least another two weeks” M’Laka said, waving Toni from her office.

“Thanks, Doc.” Toni gave her a pat on the shoulder, taking the forearm crutches from where they were leaning. Fighting the doctor about having to use crutches seemed like way too much work, so Toni just decided to suck it up.

Toni left, but Pepper went past her into the suite, walking towards Doctor M’Laka. Toni stepped to the side of the door and leaned against the wall so she could hear what they said without having to stand in the open doorway.

“Thank you for saving her life. She can act like such an idiot, but none of us want to lose her, especially me. She’s my family,” Pepper said, her voice strained. 

“She honestly did a large part of the work. If she hadn’t made the reactor or developed a suitable replacement element, she’d be dead. Rhodey and Shuri made the element and fixed the reactor, brilliant people. And I facilitated the medical portion. Well, what I mean is that it wasn’t just me. Shuri and Rhodey seemed as determined as you for her not to die.”

“Yeah, well, once you get past the wall she’s a sweetheart”

Toni broke away from the wall when she heard Pepper’s heels click. Pepper stood next to her sighing. 

“Sorry,” Toni said, pausing and staring at the floor. “I fucked up bad. Rhodey already yelled at me. I’m stupid when it comes to you guys. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Fuck, just...”

“Shut up, Toni,” Pepper said. “Look at me.”

Toni did as she was told and looked up. Peppers eyes weren't crackling with fire as she feared. Instead, they looked tired. Tired of her, of putting up with her. Pepper placed her hand on Toni’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re okay. I’m angry you didn’t tell me what was going on, left me to do the Expo, told me you loved me before you were going to die, and then thought writing a Will would solve anything. You didn’t think at all about us; I thought you realised that we would never let you fling yourself off a ledge after the last time you tried to do it.”

Toni’s face felt hot, and her stomach sunk to the floor. She looked away and shrugged her shoulders.

“Look. Just don’t leave me high and dry. For the love of God, stop being a child, and stop hiding. Let us help you, okay?” 

Toni nodded, they walked slowly to Pepper’s room so she could put her things away. Toni sat on the bed, tired; walking after having not done it for a little while was rough. 

The whole bed shifted when, in one fluid motion, Pepper sat down and wrapped Toni in a hug. Surprise shot through Toni, the warmth of Peppers face on her shoulder making her heart do a kickflip in her chest in a combination of confusion and happiness. Pepper pulled back after a quick moment.

Their eyes met, and Pepper left her hand on Toni’s shoulders. Gold metal hung around Pep’s neck. Toni smiled.

“You’re wearing my gift.”

“It was a very nice gift. I appreciate it, but I wish it hadn't been an ‘I'm going to die’ present. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean a lot to me. I know how much your lockets mean to you, so I reason it carried a lot of weight, aside from just being very pretty.”

“Jarvis, the original Jarvis, gave them to me when some very bad things happened, so I wouldn't forget somebody loved me.” Toni explained twisting her own.

“Well, I do love you, Toni, you’re my family” Pepper smiled.

She then stood up and went about unpacking her things. Toni smiled like an idiot. Her grin was so wide, it almost hurt her face. 

##  ~~~~~

The sunset was beautiful as she watched it from her window bench. Everything was peaceful, and it was nice. According to Pepper, two days spent relaxing with Toni had shown her she was well enough to get back to work. They had spent hours catching her up on what had been going on back at home. So now, Toni was drinking some coffee infused with vanilla because she deserved something nice.

The company was fine; stocks and profits raised to new highs while she was away. Luckily, the press didn’t catch her being gone that much. She had been pretty reclusive, outside of the Expo and fighting as Iron Queen, and the rest of the Expo had run fine without her. Funny how the “Stark Expo” didn’t actually need any Starks. 

Well, unless JARVIS counted as a Stark; he had helped Pepper fix a few tech mishaps in the days Toni had been gone

The Company believed she was in rehab (again), and Pepper said she neither confirmed nor denied that. The business was running perfectly well, and even though they already had a low opinion of Toni, they currently had no plans to do anything to her, since it wasn’t like buying her out of the business would make them more money than keeping her on. 

Toni was a bit bothered by their complete lack of faith in her; she didn’t have any faith in herself either, but it would be nice if they had some respect for her. The part that hurt the most was that before Pepper knew what had really happened, and just had Rhodey’s text that she was sick and they were going to Wakanda, she’d assumed Toni had OD’ed. That really hurt.

Her contemplation of how much things in general hurt was interrupted when a man wearing a catsuit crawled through her window and half-fell on the ground. The hood, which had cat ears, came down and T’challa stood, looking at her confusedly.

“Afternoon?” Toni said, taking a sip from her coffee.

“Why are you in Nakia’s room?”

“I’m not, this is my room,” Toni explained, hiding her grin by taking another drink from her cup.

“Oh,” He said, his face growing visibly red.

“I do like those ears though. I have to admit, I didn’t expect the Black Panther to be wearing a cat leotard, but I’m not disappointed.”

“This is traditional,” T'challa defended.

“Oh, I know that. Honestly, the stories are quite beautiful, but you are wearing a shiny leotard with ears, cat ears; I have to laugh.”

“I don’t find it funny, the suit is a weapon.”

“I have no doubt you could murder me in that suit right now, I’m just amused by the fact that you would do it in a shiny bodysuit.”

“You wear a shiny suit when you fight, too,” T’challa pointed out, sitting on Toni’s bed. 

“Very true, but my suit does not have a crown on it, which would be the equivalent of your ears. And wait, do you have claws?”

T’challa showed off the retractable claws, and Toni just burst out laughing, leaning forward hysterically. It wasn’t that funny on its own, but how seriously T’Challa treated it was. She was pleased when he shook his head but still smiled.

“This is one of the best days of my life right now,” Toni said, leaning back on the wall.

“Look, I have to go-”

“Have some wild cat sex with Nakia?” Toni asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“Have fun!” Toni said with a quick wave.

“ _ You enjoy insulting royalty far too much, Ms. Toni _ ” JARVIS said into her ear.

“JARVIS, he had cat ears on his suit!”

_ “Yes, Ms. Toni, he did” _ JARVIS sighed.

##  ~~~~~

Three days after being medically cleared, Toni’s vitals were stable enough that no one was going to stop her from what she was about to do. In her defence, it was not actually a stupid thing; her suits were made to take the stress off her body, not add to it. 

She stepped on the pad in the training field outside the vibranium mines, and the suit built itself onto her. It was exciting to get to put it on for a reason that didn’t include terrorists or someone trying to kill her. Having someone beside her to appreciate the tech in a non-predatory manner was so cool.

Shuri’s face made it feel like those first free moments in the air again, eyes wide and glittery as Toni took off. Even Wakanda's couldn't fly like this.

“J? Wipe any recordings they’re taking okay?”

“You don’t wish to share this technology with them?” 

“No, I don't want anyone to use the suits, not even them. And you’re mine, no one else is allowed to have you.”

“I understand. I only thought that, since it’s the Wakandans...”

“Shuri likes science for science's sake, but she doesn’t know the damage it can do. I know what growing up in a bubble does to you, and her’s is even more isolated than mine was. The others, they’re kind people, but they are proud of Wakanda. Anyone who believes in things is dangerous.”

“Isn't not trusting people why we’re here?”

“No, not admitting that I'm not a medical doctor is why I'm here. And being vain. And if I learned to trust anyone, it’ll be Rhodey, he’s the only person who deserves it.”

“Of course.”

“And tell me, when have they given me vibranium? And I’m only allowed the access that they give me. I don’t know how everything we used even works, and what surgery did they use? What if it breaks when I’m not here, I would have to come back here. We like each other better than most, but trust?” Toni muttered as she did a few loops through the air and began a controlled descent to the ground to show off the control of the repulsors.

She let the helmet down, and Shuri looked properly impressed, which brought a smile to Toni’s face again. She was glad the Iron Queen wasn’t lame; she did want Shuri to like her. 

“That was actually pretty cool,” Shuri said, walking over to Toni as the suit deconstructed itself into its briefcase form.

“Glad I'm not already behind you, kid.” 

“You know, I actually can’t eyeball all of the specs for this.” Shuri bent down to touch the case.

Toni stepped in-between Shuri and the box. 

“Yeah and you’re not gonna; proprietary tech,” Toni said, tapping her reactor.

“I know.” Shuri crinkled her nose, “You didn’t tell us how you made that, even if we did save your life.”

Toni squeezed her eyes tight, “Shuri I love ya, okay? But I’m tired, can we get something to eat?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Shur said looking down for a second, “I forgot you're still sick.”

Toni felt soft looking at the kid. She should be angry, or at least as annoyed as she was at JARVIS for implying she should share her tech. Gooey, that’s how Shuri made her feel, and like she wanted to be better. Kids and their stupid not-totally-jaded-yet personalities.

##  ~~~~~

Toni was walking on her own again, and feeling better than she had in a long, long time. Chronic pain was still hovering over her, but it didn’t make breathing feel like a weight lifting contest, just a little hard. Lead no longer weighed down her every step, the black nose bleeds stopped, and her appetite was back to pre-palladium levels. Now only depression and terrifying nightmares made her exhausted.

But more than anything she just didn’t feel dead. It was hard to explain, but you could feel it when you're dying; there’s something septic about every moment. She’d felt it four different times; when she’d almost died after Ty, the first time she came here, in the cave, and before the surgery. The feeling was so specific and hard to describe, but it was real. Different from the emptiness she always had, or the toxicity every memory of Obie brought back, but it was so, so bleak. 

Being alive was a gift, one she had stomped on too many times. She had to grasp on to the drive to make her life mean something. Use her tech for good, like making the arc reactor useful for other things than as a volatile pacemaker.

When she saw the doors to the Queen's personal parlour, her mind stopped dead. She had, of course, been walking here the whole time, but now she had to actually go in there. It was the last night. When the recovery period was up, she had to go home and finish up the closing ceremonies for the Expo and, like, and get back into designing for SI. Messing with designs on her STARK pad wasn’t letting her be productive. A month away was enough, she did miss her boys. 

Damn, she was distracting herself again, she couldn’t avoid going in these doors. When she pushed the double doors open, Queen Romanda was sitting like she always did, royaly, and drinking from a fancy cup. 

“Come in, please.”

Toni nodded, sitting down opposite of the Queen.

“How are you?” Romanda asked.

“I’m alright,” Toni answered, taking a cup of coffee from the attendant. 

“Alright?”

“Ever noticed that alright sounds like “all is right” but we treat it as if you're doing less well than if you say you're doing good? It’s closer to synonymous with ‘fine.’”

The Queen just gave her a raised eyebrow. Toni turned her eyes to her cup and away from her penetrating gaze. 

“It’s been good to see you again, though I do wish it was under better circumstances.”

“Story of my life.” She grinned as she said this; it was honestly a pretty accurate description.

“I did have something specific to talk about.” The Queen paused to allow Toni to nod in response, and then continued. “Nakia is always wanting answers, which is why she makes a better War Dog than Dora Milaje. But she inquired of Sargent Rhodes about your history with sexual violence.”

Toni felt like a movie character when she almost spat the coffee from her mouth. After gulping back hard, she stuck her hands in her jacket pockets, willing them to stop shaking. Her throat felt like closing up, her gaze searching everywhere but at the Queen. She had only really talked about what happened a few times. And it was like speaking through a mouthful of molasses to get the words out. The easiest person to say it to was Fury. With him, she could scream and cry, blame someone. Hearing about it here was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

She wasn’t allowed to talk about it, didn’t they know that? Didn’t they know they would all get hurt, all get in trouble? 

Everything closed in, shifting and melting. And small, too small. Blackness, fog, hands, and sweat engulfed everything. 

Toni didn’t know how long it was ‘til she was again aware she was sitting curled in a chair, staring at the Queen of Wakanda. Tears were spilling from her eyes, cheeks and ears flushed with embarrassment and shame. 

“I’m sorry,” Toni choked out. Brushing the wet from her eyes and cheeks. 

“It’s okay, I understand it’s a hard topic.”

“Why, why would you bring it up? How did she know?” 

“I brought it up so you would be aware that Nakia and myself were aware of who committed the violence. Keeping that we knew your secret from you felt unfair." 

“Rhodey told her?”

“Not intentionally. She guessed, and Sargent Rhodes’ body language at the mention told her.”

“He needs a better poker face,” Toni joked, but her voice was flat, and her eyes stayed trained on the designs in the carpet. 

“Well, we knew something had happened simply by observing your behaviour.”

“Good to know I have ‘my whole childhood was a nightmare’ written on my forehead,” Toni said, hands waving in sarcastic jazz hands. 

“I’m sorry for what happened to you. It never should have. Nakia also should have minded her own business, you deserve privacy. I thought you ought to know.”

“Thank you for telling me. And for saying the other thing.” Toni stood up. “Thank you for everything you've done for me.”

She left the room before the Queen dismissed her. The halls felt very large and very cold. Why did the past never shut the fuck up?

_ “Breath deeply, and slow down,” _ JARVIS said through her earpiece.

“Now you talk.”

_ "That seemed to be a private conversation. I’ve never been successful at stopping your flashbacks with only audio before." _

She came up to her door, flung it open, and shut it fiercely behind her. Flopping on the sheets, she curled into a ball, prepared for a long night of not sleeping. It was good though; to be happy before leaving would make it harder. Now she was running away from something here too, which was so much easier. Running away was always easier. She could even pretend she was running towards her Bots. Her boys were great, with no eyes to remind her that all people saw was the worst version of her they knew. 

One more night. Then it would just be back to the normal grind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love feedback. 
> 
> Just saying I believe that Wakanda could easily make an iron man suite if they want, but I think it's lame to say that they could make AI as complex as JARVIS & Vision like is implied in Intifty War. Not just by looking it would take work and time to make JARVIS. They are smart and resources enough but in my story JARVIS and the AI's are special. But I will have this effect Shuri's brilliant future  
> Okay, mini-rant over :P


	12. Back To The Grind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Referenced domestic violence, referenced child abuse, referenced drug abuse, referenced alcohol abuse  
> Songs 36-38  
> [YouTube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)
> 
> [Spotify Link ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=X0fJT3raR_WQPe5tSY0OuQ)

“Mom’s home!” Toni called out, and the botts rolled up to her. Chirping and beeping filled the room. 

“How’d you get up here?”

“Mr. Hoggan brought them to wait for you,” JARVIS explained.

“Good to know; see, Happy loves you.” Toni patted their heads.

“You have to be ready for the closing ceremonies by five-thirty--the event starts at seven”

“Yeah, I know, I know.” Toni groaned, “It’s ten am, I have hours. Let's get the boys back to the lab.”

Toni was more of the brain over brawn kind of gal so instead of lugging her bots around, she used some sheet metal and turned the stairs into a makeshift ramp, and guided them down. Much easier. 

Toni cooked herself some of the bread that Mama Rhodes had made for her years ago; even if she had the recipe for years she hadn’t gotten around to making it before. But it seemed as good a time as any. It was almost as good, but more importantly it took enough time and concentration that she didn’t have any extra time to worry.

No time to lose herself in her thoughts. 

##  ~~~~~

Standing in the wings, her brain spun with the fact that the last time she stood there, she had assumed it was almost her last day alive. Now she had bought herself some time to actually do something with all her ambitions, with her desire to be more--and the time to fail, break, cry and worry. 

For now, she had to put on a happy face, or a smug one. Because no one knew how recently she’d been through hell. Most people just thought she’d lost it after Afghanistan and had gone from a party floozie to a hermit. But like whatever, fuck them. If it was known she had been that close to death SI stocks would tank, and she would never do that to Pepper and Rhodey. 

After a long moment, she walked out on stage with her fake, toothy grin, trademark sunglasses, and a spring in her step. Never let them see you break. 

“I hope all of you have enjoyed this Stark Expo. I didn’t get to spend much time on the floor, but I hope all of you, especially the younger members of our audience, are inspired by these inventions to make something amazing, and make the world a better place. 

Never think your dream is too out there; we can all use our minds to make this world better. My father left me a legacy of war machines, nuclear weapons, dead bodies, and shattered lives. I hope by the time I’m gone I will have left a legacy of clean energy, advanced defense, medical breakthroughs, and an overall safer, healthier, and happier world than the one I was born into. Hell, even while I am alive I hope we start to see some of these changes. I’ve been lucky enough to have the chance to influence as much as I have. I hope to make Stark Industries into more than a distributor that facilitates the murder of innocent people. 

I imagine a world with more Stark-labelled hospitals and cell phones than weapons. So look out for more of my inventions out there in your world, helping you live a more high-tech, informed, and peaceful life. Thank you.”

Toni walked off the stage to a smiling Pepper.

“That was good, Toni, that was good.” She hugged her, “I like you dreaming of the future, and prepping the market.”

“Yeah, and I actually believed the words I said, even if the smile was fake.”

Pepper rolled her eyes dramatically, but hooked her arm in Toni’s as they walked through a gaggle of reporters and to a waiting car.

Happy pulled the door open and they slid in. 

“Good to see you, boss,” Happy said.

“Thanks for watching the bots.” Toni leaned back on the chair, breathing in and out as best she could, which was significantly better than it had been the last months. 

  
  


Toni got home and ate cereal with Pepper and Happy, who had ordered pizza-- a more common celebratory food, but consuming anything with grease still made her reflexively feel like she was committing a mortal sin. 

##  ~~~~~

The next day Toni scrolled through headlines on her tablet as she ate a bagel. Mid-bite, she paused, staring at her phone, mind screaming “error” and thoughts pausing for a moment. 

The headline read, “Toni Stark insults her father, why the daddy issues?” When her brain started working again, she scrolled down more and felt a headache coming on.

_ Toni Stark, the embodiment of entitlement, disrespecting where she got the power? _

_ Millennial hatred embodied in Toni Stark. _

_ Howard Stark, war hero, called murderer by his own child.  _

_ The hard-partying addict Toni Stark has the nerve to act ‘holier than thou.’  _

_ How will Toni Stark's denouncement of her father affect team work within Stark Industries? _

_ The Expo built on Howard Stark’s work used to besmirch his memory. _

_ The Iron Queen shows an iron heart in her tirade against her father.  _

_ Did Toni Stark's addiction lead to her rambling speech last night?  _

_ Heiress' daddy issues take centre stage.  _

_ Rumours of Toni Stark’s absence during the Stark Expo linked to the rift with the board. _

  
  


And on, and on. Great. Pepper had even told her her speech was fine, but everyone else was reading it as uncharitably as possible. She would always just be a loose canon in their eyes--they overlooked everything about building a better future, cutting it down to fit in, like, half a paragraph. But whatever, right? Her emotional range has to be limited to just her daddy issues or alcoholism. 

The phone started to buzz and Pepper’s face filled her screen. 

“Hey, Pepper.”

“Have you seen any headlines today?”

“You mean the ones telling everyone my one minute speech about building a new legacy is a rambling tirade against my father?”

“Yeah, those. The PR department has been sending me messages about this.”

“Good for them,” Toni stated, biting into her bagel with a satisfying crunch. 

“Well, I would check your work email. Be glad I’m still logged in so I can field a million requests for an interview.”

Toni clicked over to her e-mail, nose scrunching at the names listed.

“We agree to do any of them?”

“Well, I chose one, a Prime-Time talk show tonight. It’s pretty reputable in that the host tends not to be overly prying or rude to their guests. Still kinda trashy, but it’s pointless spending hours trying to figure out who’s screwing who.”

“Really, you had to go with tonight? Couldn’t even give me a day to think it over?”

“Yes, we want this over now. I’m not your PA or PR anymore, and this isn’t my job.”

“Then why are you doing it anyway? I can manage. I've been called worse than this before.”

“Because I personally care about you and the company. If we can shut them the hell up about you, then we will. I don’t like them being such dicks to you.”

“I’ll do it if it’ll take some of the stress off you... But I'm not lying to them. I’m not going to pretend that Howard was a good person. I was actually generous in only referring to his legacy as a war profiteer. I could have brought up that he committed manslaughter, could have called him a wife-beater, a drunk, a bastard, an asshole, an awful father; ya know, the whole truth.”

“Calling him a drunk and bastard might have gone over better. That can be read as gossip; but you indicted the army when you said SI was facilitating murder.”

“Those fucks already hate me.”

“I’m not asking you to lie, and honestly, if you wanna call him an abusive father and bad husband that’s your shit. Whether you want people to know that or not is up to you. But for the love of everything good, be sober. If you're in control, then what you say can be at least respected. And maybe avoid calling the government terrorists, okay?” Pepper implored.

“Alright Pep. Don’t worry about me.” Toni shrugged.

She hung up and held her head in her hands. 

“Ms. Toni?” JARVIS said tentatively.

“What, J.?”

“Do you actually plan on referencing your father's abuse?”

“No, I'm not going to just bring it up. I will say he was an alcoholic, probably say he was neglectful, absent if they bring it up. But if I ever choose to bring up the nitty-gritty, I'll do it for something good, not because of some media hype. I want to make this more about defending my right to tell the goddamn truth; the arms industry is fucked, and I want to be better. Can’t do that by lying.”

“That’s good. I think you have spent too much time lying to protect others.”

“Well, you're my favourite secret, J.”

“I’m fine with staying one, I don’t fancy people trying to make knock offs.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni sat across from Mike Johnson on the Late Time Show.

“So, you made big headlines all day today--not a first for you, though.”

“Mike, my birth was a headline,” Toni explained, flashing him a smile.

“Trademark Stark confidence.”

“Maybe, but it's also a literal fact. Howard had that day’s newspaper in a display case.”

“Well, that brings us to why you're everywhere. In your closing statements at the recent Stark Expo, you said some pretty angry things about your dad.”

“The Expo was about starting a new era. I’m breaking from what my father let us become.”

“You did cause a lot of upheaval in the government and business world when you decide to stop working for our military.”

“Stark Industries isn’t going to work for anyone, anymore. ”

“But we’ve drifted off-topic; the big question is why, in setting your new course, you had to bad mouth your father. Many people believed it was disrespectful to say such bold things about such an influential man, not to mention entitled, considering you’ve gotten everything you have, which is quite a bit, from him.”

“I don’t deny I'm privileged--of course I am. I'm so lucky, which is my entire point. I hope that with what I was given, I can repair some of the mistakes we’ve made. Not to mention I can be grateful with what I have without pretending that it isn’t blood money.”

“Blood money? That’s a strong choice of words.” Mike commented, raising an eyebrow. 

“My father was paid to help create agent orange, nukes, guns, and more and more deadly bombs. What exactly would you call that?” Toni asked, counting them out on her fingers. 

“I don’t really have an opinion, but many people believe that work was patriotic.”

“Firstly, I don't consider most of the wars necessary for helping Americans, so I question how patriotic the architects of those wars are. But in Howard's case? He wasn’t patriotic. For most of his life, he believed in four things: power, science, money and appearances. Any patriotism he showed was a way for him to play with other people.”

“That’s a comment on his character, isn’t that veering away from the business practices you claim you were talking about? It’s pretty personal and emotional, not based in principle or business,” Mike challenged.

“Yeah, that’s why even your network was calling my speech at the Expo just a big display of my ‘daddy issues,’ right? I can’t have personal feelings about my life's work.”

“What other reason...”

“No, listen, I probably do have some resentment or whatever towards my father. But the decisions I make about Stark Industries are based on what I have seen, first-hand, overseas. I doubt most of the people commenting on my ‘mental state’ have actually seen what the weapons I've built can do to people. Considering I know those things, I do have personal feelings about the matter. So yeah, my decisions are based on my hysterical emotions. But my decisions are also principled and thought-through, ” Toni said with a calm expression--but her tone was acidic. 

“I understand that, but those things you saw happened after his death, so it can’ be the source of why you’re angry.”

“Well, considering he had me designing those things since I was in elementary school, and built the company that made them, I can place some of the blame on him. But you’re right, those things are mostly my fault. I should have refused to make weapons before then.” Toni explained, breathing deeply to try and sound level. 

“He had you design weapons as a kid?”

“Yeah, he did. It was important to him that I follow him in the business, and that from day one I was "productive". And I was good at engineering before I hit puberty, better than him, ask anyone at SI--that’s the only reason they put up with me. The company was the most important thing in his life, but he let it be consumed in the haze of war. I want my legacy to be one clearly on the side of life.”

“So your father was more involved with his company than family. I understand that might have been hard as a kid but isn't that understandable? Isn’t being the CEO of one of the most profitable companies going to take a lot of your time? It’s a really big commitment. I mean, you yourself abdicated your responsibility to Obadiah Stane, and then Ms. Potts. If you can’t even handle the power, isn't it hard to judge him for how he did?”

Toni felt her heart jump into her throat when he said that name, and her hand curled in on itself, freshly painted nails digging into her palm. Count to ten, breathe in four seconds, breath out six seconds, repeat. She could tell the silence was becoming awkward, but it was better than having a panic attack on national television. 

“Sure, I mean that’s true, it is a lot of work. But if he didn’t have the time to do anything but work, he should never have had a family. Howard never paid attention to me unless it had something to do with the business, or how I was making the family look. He was so myopic he didn’t care for me or my mother. You all call me heartless, but I had to learn it somewhere.” 

“You really didn’t like your father,” Mike said, looking dumbfounded.

“I think we’ve established that, but nothing I said was wrong. He did build his wealth on weapons, I don't want to use the company for that anymore, or be that kind of cruel person. It’s really not that complicated, but apparently, whether you’re a paper of record or a gossip website, performing a Freudian analysis on me is just a lovely pastime. ”

A beat of tense silence hung in the recording studio before Mike cleared his throat, returning to his usual tv-host cheese. 

“I do have another question.”

“Sure,” Toni sighed.

“Are you ever going to make a flying car?”

“See, that’s a good question. I kind of would love to, just to prove I can. But I also think we have enough traffic on the ground; putting it in the air would really just make the congestion worse.”

“Well, I hope you let me drive that car one day, even if it’s just for show.”

“Sure thing.”

They shook hands with equally fake smiles. 

Toni dropped the lapel mic into the stage manager's hand, not bothering to not look like she wanted to be anywhere else. She hoped she’d been good enough to get them off her back. It was exhausting, dealing with people who told their own versions of her story. Twisting it all to suit their own stupid fucking agenda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts!


	13. Stupid F**king Agenda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past child sexual abuse, past abuse, past drug & alcohol abuse, sexism and racism
> 
> Playlist:  
> Songs  
> 39&40  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=ZPfVaDznT4Kqw208ZBd-Jw)  
> [Youtube Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

Toni moved some specs around on the hollow display, bobbing along to her blaring music and trying to figure out which designs actually made sense and could be sent to the production team. Turns out when your brain is dying sometimes you skip things--if she sent the specs the way they were now, people would not be able to follow her scatterbrained math. 

She was actually being productive until a hand landed on her shoulder, making her jump sky high. Her muscle memory kicked in and she struck the person behind her. The Iron Queen training had given her some self-defense moves that, combined with her startled reflexes, gave her some pretty mean defense mechanisms.

Turns out her reaction was unnecessary; she had just elbowed Pepper in the gut. The redhead was now bent over, trying to catch her breath while she scowled up at Toni. 

“Oh, uh, sorry Pep,” Toni said, offering out her hand. “Music off!” she yelled, and Jarvis silenced the Linkin Park that had been blaring through Toni’s workshop.

Toni helped Pepper to the couch in a corner of her shop. Pepper took in a final, deep breath and was back to her usual composure--and was giving Toni quite the death glare.

“You know, you really should have saved that attack for after I tell you what you don’t want to hear.”

“What don’t I want to hear?”

“ The Committee on Armed Services is very set on you working with the--”

“Have they really not been paying attention? I told them very clearly to fuck right off,” Toni growled, rubbing her temples.

“Yes, I know, and it's very helpful when we’re trying to work within the bureaucracy, so, thanks for that,” Pepper smiled sarcastically. “But what really matters, Toni, is that they are threatening to tie Stark Industries up in red tape."

“But the company doesn’t have any of the designs. They are all in my personal files, even the energy plans for the arc reactor.”

“I know that.”

“They do, too. I told them.”

“They don’t care, Toni. They just want to piss you off.”

“If they want to do that, they just have to keep being themselves. Honestly, they’re quite good at it.”

“They want the Iron Queen.”

“I don’t give a damn what they want. I’m not going to give them the tech to go murder more people for no good reason. I mean, honestly, if they weren't fine with blowing up a building just because there might be someone in there who could be related to someone who’s related to a terrorist, I might actually give them something,” Toni ranted.

“Toni, just go speak to them. Be respectful,” Pepper sighed. 

“Back on the Night Show--that’s about as respectful as I can be, and I questioned whether war was patriotic. I really don’t see how this could go anywhere good. I’ll probably end up making it worse for you.”

“You are going to talk to them, find a way to get them to agree to something that doesn’t include giving them country-destroying metal suits, and then come back here and gloat about how you did it all without making them shut down my company.”

“Your company?” Toni asked with mock offence. 

“I run the place, you just supply the pretty face.” Pepper’s face had softened and she was smiling.

“Your face is much prettier than mine.”

“Yeah, true, but you’re a faster talker. That’s the true skill of a salesman” 

“Fine, I'll make the mean Senate go away,” Toni pouted.

“We can go out and blow off steam afterwards. Have some fun, a girls night out,” Pepper promised, taking Toni's hand.

Toni smiled, “Anything for you Pep, I just have to complain while I do it.”

“Love you, too.” Pepper grinned, standing to leave. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni sat in a meeting room at a long table. She was staring down the head of the Committee on Armed Services, Senator Williams, and a known asshole of a General called Ross. Stern was in there, too, with his skeevy vibes, and so was stupid Justin Hammer. Everything about this situation drove her insane, but she had on her good old-school sunglasses for armour and wore a cynical grin as she forced herself to greet all of them. 

“I believe you understand why we have you here?” Williams asked.

“You still want my armour. And after the last time, when we did this publicly and I won, you decided to resort back to backroom wheeling and dealing.”

“That’s...crude, but accurate,” Williams conceded.

“So what do you have now that makes this different? You're not going to get me with guilt trips, and you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.”

“You're not in the optimum position, publically, to refuse; that could harm your company. Not to mention we do have the legal grounds to look into SI; you might not sell weapons anymore, but your company still has contracts with the government,” Stern said with a sick smile.

Toni rolled her eyes. “Iron Queen is not a Stark Industries project. 90% of the tech involved in it isn’t Stark tech either. You can’t get it through SI.”

“It’s a drain on your company’s resources to have to deal with government investigations. Not to mention we can bring in the DOJ, IRS, FBI, any agency we want, really, and have them put your company through their wringers,” Williams explained.

“So this is death by paperwork,” Toni responded dryly. “I promise you I'm not scared. We have lawyers, not to mention this won’t be good press for all of you, either.”

“I’m sure that rather pretty head of your company won’t like it. You do seem to care greatly what she thinks,” Stern said, his patronizing eyes boring into Toni.

“Yeah, Pepper might be a bit pissed, but she doesn’t like being pushed around. She’s not scared either.”

“We can cut your contracts,” Some Air Force General added. 

“We have contracts in the private sector, and our own projects. Not to mention we make a lot of personal tech now; they make up the majority of our sales,” Toni countered.

“So financial pressure doesn’t scare you,” Williams sighed and shook his head, then waved his hand in the air. 

Any relief that Toni might have felt was quickly snuffed out when a large amount of the people left. It was most of the younger officials who exited, leaving only two generals and the most senior senators staring at her. The outlier was Hammer, he didn’t fit the power profile of the senators and generals. 

“Ms. Stark, we know quite a lot about you. I, and some of my colleagues, we're friends with both Howard Stark and Obadiah Stane. Our decisions aren’t made on hearsay and stock market sales alone. ”

Toni gritted her teeth but didn’t respond. Even if she wanted to, her heart was in her throat, gagging her. 

“For example, letting our contacts in the media hear that your absence from the Stark Expo was due to, say, rehab? That would not look good.”

“It’s no secret I had issues with addiction,” Toni snapped, hoping that was all they were holding over her head. 

“True, but I don’t think anyone would want a drunk or drugged Iron Queen flying around,” Hammer snorted.

“What the fuck do you have to do with any of this?” Toni’s head wheeled to his smug face.

“We’ll get there,” Williams held up a hand. “It’s true and you know it, that an unstable woman playing armed dress up would not go over well. You're not just a rich girl any more; people are placing trust in you. You already have a reputation for instability, as you said. Dragging up your own father issues didn’t help your case.”

“Your appearance and...heritage makes it very easy to paint you as un-American. All anyone has to do is play your own words and then everyone knows Toni Stark hates America. ” Stern cut in. 

Toni’s eyes narrowed; it was easy to make a case about her being unfit, and America would eat up the racism. Of course, the Latina women would hate the government, she clearly couldn’t have thought through her opinions. But they weren’t done, of course, they weren't.

“Stark Industries was involved in some illegal arms dealing, yes? We know you didn’t do it, honestly, you didn’t have any control in the company yet, or in your own life for that matter. Stane had all the real control. You loved him so much you would have done whatever he asked of you. The nicest thing to say would be that you were his little puppet, ” Williams said in the most casual way, like he wasn’t discussing abuse, murder, and treason.

“Low blow, guys. I mean, that’s really fucked,” Toni muttered.

“Might be true, but considering you called me a John and a paedophile on public television, it’s more than fair,” Stern commented.

“Oh, but we're both right. We all know it! You're a creep and I was Obie’s little toy. What’s your point by bringing it up? I mean all you...” Toni snarled.

“Anyway. We have the documents to make it look like you were the one doing that. Could even wrap in Ms. Potts or Lieutenant Rhodes if we really wanted to,” General Ross cut Toni off. 

“Stay away from them,” Toni said, her hands clenching on the table. So bringing in her Rhodey was the trump card; of course, it was. Insult her, and then threaten the people she loved. How utterly predictable. 

“But we won’t have to. Here’s a suggestion we could all settle for; have SI act as a consultant for Mr Hammer here. A joint, patriotic job. You won’t have to look like a sellout, you will even have some control over the project. Hammer gets the contract and your superior technological prowess.”

Hammer spluttered indignantly.

“Come on, Justin, we all know Stark is as smart and productive as five of you,” Ross joked.

“So, that sound fair?” Williams asked, clapping his hands. 

Toni looked around. This small cabal was connected enough to play these very unethical games without any consequences. She wondered how many knew how and when Obie turned her into his puppet, how many were as wholly fucking evil as Stern. It made her sick, all of them showing their teeth, eyes sharp and trying to turn her sunglasses invisible. Stupid assholes knew they won. Rhodey and Pepper mattered too much, dragging them through the mud was not something she could do. Not to mention, people did have to trust Iron Queen for it to be worth anything. Swirling, squirming zombie butterflies filled her stomach. Fingers danced around her lockets; nervous ticks died hard. 

“Fine, you bastards win. This means none of you speaks a word against Rhodey or Pepper, got it?” Toni gave in. 

“The Lieutenant and Ms. Potts will not suffer,” Williams nodded.

They all looked so calm as they stood up to shake hands with her and each other. Like they hadn’t just threatened to ruin her life and the lives of the people she loved. Using her being raped, being lied to, and struggling with addiction to force her; it drove her bonkers. But hey, sexism, racism and manipulation: that’s the government for you. 

But she shook all their hands; never let them see you break, right?

“My people will call your people?” Hammer suggested, holding his hand to his ear to mime a phone.

“Yeah, Hammer, whatever,” Toni sighed. 

“That’s no way to treat a new friend,” Hammer mock pouted.

“Oh, just...ugh. Were not even allies, we’re just two pawns on a board game,” Toni gestured in a broad, shrugging surrender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! And yes we finally get the second part of Iron Man 2.


	14. Shrugging Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Alcohol Use, misogyny  
> Songs:  
> 41&42
> 
> [Youtube Playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=6TiUtQEoRFqLb6V03IbtWA)

“Chinese food?’ Toni asked as she walked up to Pepper, whose fingers were going a million miles an hour on her keyboard. 

Pepper looked up and her fingers stopped. “Sure, Toni,” she said, placing her phone in her bag.

They sat in a private room of one of the best Chinese food places in New York, but it did little to cheer Toni up. She felt angry, and sad, and pissed off. She didn’t want to explain how she’d sold her soul to power hungry monsters. But she had too, Pepper deserved to know and was being a very patient friend (like she always was). Oh, Pepper Potts; too good for her, any day of the week. 

“I’m going to work with Hammer Tech on some projects for the government.”

“What?”

“Look, I have to, there isn’t another option.”

“What do you mean?”

“They have...things, on me, Pepper.”

“Wait, what could they have on you? You’re the one who said giving them the Iron Queen specs was the wrong thing to do,” Pepper asked, her eyebrows creased in confusion. 

“It is the wrong thing. Which is why I'm not going to give them the specs. I’m going to stall for time until I have a better plan. And they are going to respect my right to keep some information private.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“They have enough information to prove SI distributed tech to terrorists; they’re going to pin it on me, Rhodey, and you, if I don’t cooperate,” Toni explained bitterly. 

“Bastards.” Pepper flopped back in her chair.

## ~~~~~

Toni stood in the window of a New York apartment, staring across the tall buildings and listening to the rushing noise of the ‘city that never sleeps,’ and all that. New York really thought a lot of itself. Not that it wasn’t a pretty cool place, but it was also a magnet for powerful scumbags. 

On the plus side, being in New York allowed Toni to stay close to Hammer Tech’s main research centre, as well as Oscorp, and literally every other high-profile company. Geeze, if we all keep putting our base of power in New York, the aliens will really all attack here. I mean, it’s what they do in the movies. Toni held her head in her hands. Everything was just...a lot, right now. Moving the Bots had been the worst part. They were heavy and cumbersome and hard to put in an aeroplane, but at least they were more willing to go on the plane than to be left in California. 

Toni jumped out of her skin when she heard a knock on the door. She opened it, and Justin Hammer was standing there with a stupid grin on his face.

“Fuck ya want, Hammer?” Toni muttered.

“Have a meal with me?” He answered.

“Why?”

“To get to know you.”

“I’ll ask again: why?”

“Can’t I just want to be on good terms with my new business partner?” Hammer asked, leaning into the doorway. 

“No, you can’t. You are here for something, to get something. So what do you want from me?”

“Really, are you naturally this untrusting? I’ve never done anything to you.”

Toni rolled her eyes--he was gonna keep fucking around. However, it was easier to play the game, for now.

“Alright, what do you want to eat?” Toni said, stepping out of her doorway and letting the weasel in behind her. 

“I was thinking we could go out. I know you're a Cali girl, so I could show you around.” 

“I grew up in New York,” Toni retorted, keeping the unspoken “dumbass” to herself.

“You did?”

“Yes, I did. We lived outside the city in one of those dead-inside gated communities, but yeah. There is an SI centere here.”

“Guess I didn’t do my homework,” Hammer said, sliding his hands in his pockets.

“But I haven't been here in a while, so you can show me what's still good. Let me get my purse. And don’t touch anything, I will know,” Toni sighed, walking past him, catching his eyes looking her up and down. Blech. 

“J., what’s he doing?” Toni asked as she grabbed her purse and slid on her shoes.

“He is walking in circles in your living room, looking over the boxes.”

“Looking for trade secrets,” Toni mused out loud as she put earrings in. 

“Or just your secrets.”

“He find anything good?”

“Most of the boxes still out there hold kitchen supplies and room decor. No tech, SI files, or deeply personal effects.” Toni put on the finishing touch--her JARVIS ear piece-- and went back into the den.

“That was fast, most dates take much longer,” Hammer joked.

“I was already dressed to go out,” Toni shrugged.

“That’s true. I would have guessed you already had a hot date lined up. You know, you are much shorter in person.”

“We’ve met before,” Toni said, deadpan.

“Yeah, but you were in heels.”

Toni rolled her eyes again, but followed him to the elevator. Toni was going to need to buy out the next two floors to make sure the elevator wouldn’t open on this floor, or the one below, so no one would be able to bother her. And she definitely needed to make sure no one could get to where her lab was gonna be. 

“You have a driver?” Toni asked, knowing the answer, but secretly hoping he didn’t so she could get Happy to take them. She didn’t have quick access to Iron Queen right now, so having a gun handy would be nice because Hammer had been right: she did not trust him. 

“Yeah, he’s downstairs,” Hammer answered. 

They got in the car and, to Toni’s delight, someone immediately called Hammer, so he spent the entire ride yelling on the phone about business stuff. All she had to do was try and zone out. 

An hour later Toni was sitting in a fancy Italian place, pushing her pasta around her plate. Hammer had spent the entire salad course talking incessantly about how annoying the people he worked with were, it was exhausting. But he seemed to finally remember who he was venting at and turned the conversation to something that she could actually contribute towards.

“I’m hoping that working with you on the Iron Soldier project will be less mind numbingly boring than working with my normal team.”

“Iron Soldier?”

“It’s a fitting moniker, since the goal is to create soldiers who are deadly, unbeatable, and indestructible--tough as iron, so to speak. Our enemies won’t know what hit them,” Hammer explained.

“The goal is for the Senate to not ruin my friends' lives, and hopefully save some soldiers overseas, if at all possible. Not to make super soldiers or killing machines”

“Didn’t your father help make the first super soldier?”

“Yes,” Toni said, feeling her hand tighten around her fork, “Project Rebirth.”

“Isn’t this just an extension of that? I mean, like you said, you do want to help the soldiers.”

“I want to stop making weapons, and actually help people. I don’t need my own super soldiers, robot or human.”

“You invented Jericho,” Hammer countered.

“I did. And I regret the fuck out of that, Hammer, I really do.” Toni said, meeting his eyes, trying to work out his game. Convincing? Provoking? Genuine interest? 

“Yeah, which is really good for me, Oscorp, Roxxon, AIM, and any of the others out there willing to do what’s necessary.” 

He just looked smug, and his eyes were snapping with pride. Was he literally just gloating to her? 

“Have at it,” Toni said leaning back, “What you do is your business. Meanwhile, I’ll be using SI to try and improve peoples’ lives as best I can.”

His smile faltered--so provoking her had been part of his plan. Hammer really just wanted to mess with her, God, what a child. 

“Well, you do know that part of this deal involves you, contributing your mind to give our boys what they need to win. You don't exactly have the moral high ground.”

“You don’t care about the ‘boys’ Hammer. You want the contracts moving forward, and you want your name on work as good as mine because your work isn’t as good as mine. You’d never get these contracts without me.”

“And people call me a narcissist. You really believe I couldn’t get this without you?”

“No, not really,” Toni shook her head. “You know, I would be willing to help you with projects other than the Iron Queen, if you wanted it.”

“Well, I got my company without Daddy’s help. My work is my own, not built on what real adults did for me,” He growled.

Oof, he didn’t like that.

 _“Hammer is exhibiting rapidly increasing levels of agitation, please be cautious Ms. Toni,”_ JARVIS warned.

“Sorry, that was mean. I just don’t like the position I was put into. It’s aggravating, having the government stick their nose into my business. Ya know? I mean, it’s my science, I shouldn't have anyone else telling me what to do,” Toni placated leaning forward, placing her head in her hand, and tilting her head slightly.

“The government is too nosey, and you’re right, you shouldn’t have said that, ” Hammer agreed, straightening his tie. “I was wondering, though, Toni, outside of your whole moral crusade, is there any other reason for not wanting to work on this project that you don’t want to share?” 

“Well, I mean, it’s really hard to explain. It’s hard to work with people who don’t understand...” She said airly, and met his gaze.

“I promise I can keep up.” 

“Maybe it won’t be so bad, and it is my best option. You’re my best option.” Toni turned her charm up to a hundred.

“I am the best option,” Hammer agreed. 

“It is really very nice of you to pay for this,” Toni added, “I think we should get some wine, don’t you? End this night on something more fun than business.”

“Sounds good. We really ought to start our business on the right foot.”

“Absolutely.” Toni agreed.

They did drink wine and she did her absolute best to channel Gala Toni, all big eyes and, “Wow, you’re such a smart man,” like Maria taught her to, along with a hint of Sexy Toni, from college. It was annoying, but effective. She ended up learning a lot about his current business status, though, he really liked to talk about himself. 

It’s amazing how far laughing at unfunny jokes and staring at someone with small nods will get you. If you pretend someone is as captivating as they think they are, they will tell you anything. Drinking an impressive amount of really expensive wine also smooths things over. 

When they finally got home Hammer was half out of it from the alcohol.

“See you Monday,” Hamer said, giving her a mock salute as she nodded and flashed a smile. 

Once she was safely in her room, she let out a long shudder. 

“That was exhausting. He oozes sleaze,” Toni muttered.

“That is an accurate description,” JARVIS agreed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think please!


	15. Sleaze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Sexual harassment, attempted sexual assault, past child sexual abuse, past sexual abuse, alcohol use
> 
> Playlist  
> Songs: 43-46  
> [ Youtube Link ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [ Spotify Link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=9aFpGl9cTG-Cmesz91aNCw)

Toni pulled herself onto the table in Hammer Tech’s workshop. She crossed her legs and wished she had a drink, or, if she was feeling more healthy, maybe some gum. She resisted the urge to fiddle with her necklace, doing her best to not look nervous. A probably very nice lab tech was going through everything, but she already knew what everything was; she had a lab. 

And she had already read all the rules and whatever online. Hammer tech had terrible security, and a surprising amount of public information. Also rules? Yeah no, she already didn’t want to be here at all, much less do as she was told. 

But being an asshole to this girl felt rude; she was new and really enjoying playing Tour-Guide barbie. So she nodded along. The girl’s green eyes stood out against her dark brown skin and back hair cut in a bob. She had on an honest-to-God white, knee length lab coat. 

“Are you going to change?” The nervous tech asked. 

Toni hoped her raised eyebrow was as expressive as Rhodey and Fury’s, and it must have had some power, as the girl paused for a moment. 

“Just, we have rules about what we are allowed to wear. And the only regulation you're following is covered arms.”

Toni almost wanted to laugh. She was so earnest, who was that earnest?

“What’s your name?” Toni asked.

“Kayla.” 

“Great. I’m Toni. I promise when we work with chemicals I'll get gloves and coats and stuff. Same thing with making sparks. But for now I'm just doing meetings, and these are meeting clothes. Business casual or whatever,” Toni explained. 

“Right.”

“So, what’s your job around here really, Kayla?”

“Umm, mostly I shuffle papers, keep the notes, grab coffees, make sure someone actually recorded the experiments. Mostly all the admin stuff.”

Toni nodded, feeling bad she’d got stuck as the go-fer. Though, considering she wasn’t a white man, it wasn’t surprising. 

“I am qualified though,” Kayla rushed. “Have a PHD and everything. I just got through college fast, and, ya know.”

“I had a PHD when I was 19. I promise your age isn't a problem. You don’t need a degree to be smart anyway.” 

“Oh, ah, yeah.”

“Actually you have two PHDs and wrote papers on the theoretic kind of tech SI is looking into. Meanwhile, one of your labmates got a job in this lab after flunking out of the doctor’s program in applied theoretical physics.”

“So why did you ask? And also, how do you know that?” Kayly scrunched her eyebrows. 

“I looked up who I’d be working with. And I was wondering how you ended up bringing me coffee,” Toni explained.

They were interrupted when the other lab workers came in, all jostling each other. The rest of the lab team came in and introduced themselves in quick succession; Kent, Clark, Milo, Ben and Karl. 

“Good to meet you,” Toni said with her press smile.

“Let’s get this started!” Hammer said, clapping his hands and walking in the lab. Depending on who she glanced at, the mood at his arrival varied wildly. Kent, who was older than Hammer, was exhausted, Clarke looked irritated, Kayla had a look of ‘fuck again’, and Milo, Ben, and Karl looked excited. 

Hammer went through a whole spiel about how important the work they were doing was and how it would be groundbreaking science. Toni avoided rolling her eyes and worked to pretend like any of it was interesting. They already worked for him, it would be more effective to give this speech to the public. With cameras and stuff. 

Thankfully Hammer finished and it was time for real science. Toni moved to one of the computers. They lacked a holo display at every station so it was normal screens for now. She brought up files on some of the plans for the shielding from the Iron Queen. 

“We can adapt this for body armour,” Toni explained as Hammer hovered over her shoulder.

“Wouldn’t full suits be better?”

“I don’t think you understand,” Toni said grinding her teeth, “full suits wouldn’t be practical or safe for soldiers.”

“But the plating would be?”

“It’s better than Kevlar ever could be. We also need to start somewhere. It might be tough but we could make a good design don’t ya think?” Toni turned to look up to him with a smile-- ugh, looking at him made her skin crawl. 

“I think we could come up with something, yeah.”

## ~~~~~

It had been an entire week of working with this idiot and she thought she might go brain dead. It turned out it was kind of easy to keep him from the flying tech and most importantly, JARVIS. Targeting technology, minus the AI, was easy enough to get them to use. And the body armour. The only thing he was really fighting for was the repulsor tech, she gave him some preliminary ideas but not anything you could make into a weapon of any value. 

But to do this she had to pretend to be dumber, kept saying she wasn’t sure. Trying to almost give off the impression someone else magically knew. It made her feel sick to act like she didn’t know everything about this technology. Iron Queen was one of the few things in her life she was truly proud of. One of the few things no one could say she had inherited from someone else or bought. 

And turned out her trick from the first night applied across the board. Talk less, smile more. Flatter his ego, let him talk, pretend you're so interested, let him lead the dance.

The only productive part of the last week was getting a lab set up on the floor below her apartment. Enough to work on the Iron Queen suits. And to bring her bots with her, they had been languishing unloved for too long. 

Toni was drinking coffee in the hallway, dreading going back into a meeting. Kayla walked next to her and bit her lip. 

“What's up?” Toni asked.

“What’s up with you?”Kayla put her hands on her hips. 

“Was that a comeback?”

“No, I mean. You’re acting, stupid.”

“Maybe I'm not acting,” Toni shrugged and drank back the burned coffee. 

“I’m not an idiot,” She rolled her eyes.

“Didn’t say you were. Said I was.”

“No,” Kayla crossed her arms.

“No?”

“Yeah. I want to know, why someone who I know is smart enough to have graduated faster than I did from MIT is trying to pretend to be dumber than Justin Hammer.”

“Everyone said Howard bought my place. They were literally just saying it after the Expo.”

“People say a lot of things.”

“Let’s say I hypothetically am pretending to be dumb. It might just be because if I didn't, I would just end up with a man with a bruised entitlement complex learning how to kill more civilians,” Toni explained.

Kayla smiled and nodded, “The better coffee is in the intern lab, they bring their own in.” 

Toni raised an eyebrow and finished the end of the horrid coffee and followed Kayla back into the lab. 

## ~~~~~

Toni was in her best soiree dress, feeling immensely over everything she was seeing. She spent the whole night avoiding the people she’d known her whole life. From her point of view, people she’d know for years were dangerous; her child and teen years weren’t memories she liked being reminded of. 

There were some new faces, too, though, foreign people, and the nouveau riche. Those were the ones she was staying around. They mostly saw her in light of her changing SI and being the Iron Queen. Good enough for her, those were what she wanted to be known for, quite a few were aware of her being captured, but that particular traumatic event painted her as more of a hero then what the old money faces or the teen stars she’d met saw in her. 

But the whole thing felt like a death trap; it made her feel like she was split into pieces. One piece of her was Iron Queen made of flashing lights, a hollow shell of metal with a laser in her palm. Another piece was made of flirting smiles, as much skin as possible visible with a body that was not hers. But all of the pieces were empty and shallow. But Iron Queen was at least worth something.

Slowly shifting bodies brought a sense of claustrophobia. The flight response kicked in and she moved on autopilot to the bathroom. Gripping the counter was all she could do to hold on. 

Toni suddenly felt a hand on her hip and wanted to heave. 

“It’s good to see you,” Hamer said, pressing his lips to her neck. 

“Fuck off Hammer,” Toni said, stepping away, hands starting to shake her heart thumping in her chest. 

“Come on,” he said, throwing his hands in the air, “you’ve been flirting with me the whole time and now you push me away.”

“I never consented to you touching me,” Toni growled as she backed into the wall. 

“Look, I know you're easy.”

“I used to sleep around, but I said yes to them.”

“Exactly, you say yes to everyone.”

“I do not,” Toni retorted. She would kill for her suit now. 

“Come on. You fucked Stane, I mean, that was mostly daddy issues, which you admitted to having on national tv. Poor fucking rich Toni Stark--daddy didn’t love her enough. But it does prove you have no standards”

“You know nothing about that,” Toni muttered as he backed her into the wall. 

“Don’t I? I know you let Stern make out with you when Stane wanted contracts. I know you dated Stone and your father got company shares out of it.”

Tears were stinging her face running down hot and humiliating. 

“Aww, you’re actually crying.” He almost laughed. She could smell his alcohol-laden breath as he closed the distance. 

“Can’t you just leave me alone,'' Toni pleaded. “I don’t want to do anything, and I swear it’s more fun when I want it. Really, when it’s like this, I’m kind of a dead fish,” Toni said closing her eyes, when it came to terrorists and bombs she could fight her way out, but Justin Hammer reduced her to begging. 

Hammer said something that came in as static as his hand reached for her waist. But before he could do anything else a shout sounded. 

“What the hell is going on here?”

“She backed out of sex,” Hammer said dismissively, pulling away from her. 

“I see a man creeping on a crying woman,” She snarked, “Which makes you look like a predator.”

“You can’t seriously say that, it's Toni Stark,” Hammer scoffed but he walked out of the room. 

Toni looked up and saw A blond woman in a blue cocktail dress with a shawl standing in the doorway, arms crossed. Then she raced forward, “Are you okay?”

“What?’ Toni muttered before her legs decided to quit working. Of course her body gave out on her now, in time to make her look like a weak broken thing in front of...then her eyes focused, she knew her. “Sharon?” 

“Hey, cuz. “

“Not the best way to have a family reunion.”

“Better than the last time we talked, by at least one on the fucked-o-metre,” Sharon joked, offering Toni a hand up.

Toni took it, only flinching slightly at the skin to skin contact.

“Why are you here?” Toni asked, brushing off her dress. 

“I was invited for my Paper...”

“That's a lie, I know you’re SHIELD.” 

“When all the worst people in the government and business get together, SHIELD wants eyes and ears.”

“I’ll try to not be offended,” Toni said dryly, taking her lockets in one hand, digging her nails into her palm on the other. Focus now, don’t cry, don’t break down, don’t check out. You’re not that stupid. 

“You’re not that bad.” Sharon said cocking her head to the side.

“Thanks by the way. Not sure if he’s gross enough to go through with it. Not really up for that again, though,” Toni said, her eyes glossing over. Her body felt terrible, she felt like the world was tilting over. Her skin felt clammy, sticky and cold, she needed to burn it off, didn’t want it on her. She dug her finger into her arms curled into herself. But people, could they see it in her? She could almost feel Obie in every part of her body. 

“Look, he’s an ass alright,” Sharon said.

How do they all know? Her thoughts swam over the phrase.

“You don’t know?”

She’d said it out loud, damn.

“It’s an open secret. These powerful people know all of each other's secrets. And they know you and Stane, well, ya know.”

“I really hate everything,” Toni said, stomping one foot like a child, “Why does it never end? How does he never go away? You’d think a decade while he was alive would be enough for him, but now after his death, he haunts me.”

“Wow, that’s worse than I knew,” Sharon said avoiding looking Toni in the face.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he was your guardian so having sex with you at like 19 was bad enough. But wow.”

“Great, good, you didn’t know and now you do. Why is life like this?” Toni asked no one in particular. She started fixing her makeup to give herself something to do. 

“Because it wants to see you break,” Sharon leaned on the counter. 

Toni fixed her hair, grateful for Sharron watching her back. Toni finished the look with her blood-red lipstick and Sharon gave her a soft smile. 

“You can pull it off like she could, I never could do the whole ‘kill them with a kiss’ thing.”

“No, but you have a gun, that will be just as effective.”

“She taught me how to shoot,” Sharon said softly.

Toni smiled and nodded and when the door clanged open, a spell was broken. 

They both left the bathroom and Toni left the party, not really wanting to talk to anyone.

When she got back to her apartment, Pepper was on her couch, watching a movie in her pajamas. 

Toni burst out laughing.

“Oh, hi Toni.”

“Why are you here?”

“You get movies that aren’t out yet. I wanted to know how they did Deathly Hallows part 1”

“How’d they do?”

“It’s pretty good.”

Toni sat on the couch ditching her shoes. “I saw Sharon Carter.’

“Oh, how was she?”

“Not really sure. I owe her one now, how awful.”

“Why?”

“She stepped in so Hammer didn’t keep trying to fuck me when I said no.”

“Jesus Toni.”

“I have shit luck.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“Men,” Toni said, turning her back to Pepper. “Unzip me?”

Pepper did, and Toni was interested to find while she blushed, it wasn’t as bad as a few months ago. Her crush wasn’t so bad now. 

“You know why we say ‘oh boy’ when things are disappointing?” Pepper asked. 

“Why?” Toni said, a weird moment for a joke.

“Because men are, in fact, disappointing.”

Toni let out a short laugh and went to her room, she turned to Pepper, “Don’t leave. You know, till I get changed and stuff.”

“Wouldn't dream of it, I have like 15 minutes left in the movie.”

Toni did get changed.

“I heard what you told Ms. Potts.” JARVIS said, strained.

“I know. He wanted to do it again, wanted to take more. Why do they all want more,” Toni said, tears rolling down her cheeks as she put on Rhodey’s threadbare hoodie and pulled on soft sweats, hands trembling the whole time.

“I don’t know.”

“They think someone did it once, now they can, it’s bullshit.”

“I’d agree.”

## ~~~~~

Toni stayed in her own lab for most of Sunday. Pepper stayed around, doing her own work in the ‘office’ space. She had spent the night and Toni was grateful. 

Toni tried to work out how to call the armor to her. It would require her to have some kind of sensor other than just a JARVIS pod, but it would allow the armor to come to her and her to step into it. It was fucking exhausting right now as she had to jump to make it latch on. But when it worked it would allow the armor to come from pretty far away, and faster. While she jumped around she also mentally focused on how to create a long-range repulsor beam that had multiple settings. 

U was having fun following her around with a camera, Dum-E had the fire extinguisher, the same one from back home, actually--it had been in the plane with the boys. Why make Dum-E unnecessarily stressed in addition to having to travel so far away? 

Butterfingers seemed to be hiding behind a cabinet...well, he was the baby of the family he didn’t need to work. 

“Stop J!” Toni yelled right before the backplate smacked her head. It hurt like a mother fucker and she landed face-first on the floor. A long sigh escaped from her lips into the concrete. 

“Attacked by your own suits, classic,” Pepper joked.

“This is not funny,” Toni said, putting up her middle finger.

“It very much is. JARVIS, send me that footage, and Rhodey,” Pepper said as her heels clicked across the floor.

“Of course Ms. Potts.”

Toni rolled onto her back. “Betrayed by my own flesh and blood.”

“Ms. Potts is the Boss,” JARVIS verbally shrugged.

Toni sat up and noticed Pepper laying two plates on an empty work table. It was pesto pasta and smelled really good. Sitting down, they pulled plastic silverware from paper covers.

“You have to stop being busy. I almost expected real food,” Pepper smirked. 

“Hey, I just got my lab set up.” 

U chirped over and bumped affectionately into Pepper, who gave him a pat on the head.

“You wanted to play with your armour,” Pepper said, turning to Butterfingers, who wanted some attention. 

“I mean, yeah, but also with my bots.”

“Well yeah, okay, you got me there. You hate to leave them whenever we go anywhere.”

“I mean people bring their dogs with them and they're not nearly as smart as the Bots,” Toni mumbled. 

## ~~~~~

Toni went into ‘work’ the next day and was surprised at what she saw. Everyone but Clarke had this look, she knew the look, whatever Hammer had said about what happened at the party, because of course he’d say something, painted her to look bad. Before this they had shown her some respect. They knew she had made Iron Queen which made her kinda cool. And they were nerdy enough to know about how hard STark Tech was to design. But apparently now none of it mattered at all. 

Kayla was avoiding her gaze and all costs. Clarke was the only person willing to meet her eye, it was genuinely sympathetic which was surprising. 

“So how was your weekend?” Toni said, refusing to take off her sunglasses today.

“Not as good as yours,” Sam sniped.

“Well we can’t all have my fabulous life,” Toni said flashing her teeth. 

Justin Hammer, in all his vomit-inducing smugness, walked in and threw a piece of body armour on the table. “R&D came up with a prototype. Maybe we can all stick to our agreements and you can test it for me. Try not to be useless,” He stalked out of the room.

“You just had to be a bitch, now he’s gonna take it one the rest of us,” Milo muttered pulling the armour over the testing range. 

Clarke gave her a pat on the shoulder, making her entire being cringe. Toni decided she ought to see if she could make Hammer only make her life a living hell, and leave the rest of them out of it. 

Toni closed Hammer’s door behind her and turned to face him digging her fingers into her arm. 

“What do you want, Stark?” Hammer demanded, 

“Lay off the rest of them.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think you get to make requests. You work for me here.”

“No, I don't. If I did I would expect a salary and parking spot,” Toni said through clenched teeth. 

“I've been bossing you around since this started.”

“Because I let you,” Toni said, tone measured.

“Let me?” Hammer stood, hands slamming the desk. Toni took in a long breath, holding her ground. 

“I was being nice, I was working with you. I’m in your house. I play by your rules. Don’t rock the boat, or whatever. But I never agreed to work for you. I agreed to work with you.”

“I’m pretty sure what you call nice the rest of the world calls being a tease.”

“Maybe if we were 14. We’re adults, this is a partnership between scientists. I beg of you to grow the fuck up. Act like an adult instead of a bratty frat boy? Can we just get something done, then I can leave here.”

“You’re not done till I get all the contracts. And the military isn’t satisfied, till I am,” He sat back down making a steeple with his hands.

“You’re a really shitty person, you know that?” Toni muttered.

“But I'm winning.” He grinned like an asshole.

Toni slammed the door behind her. If he was gonna play to win, so would she.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is soooo late please tell me what you think!


	16. Winners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs: Past sexual violence
> 
> Playlist  
> Songs 47-48  
> [YouTube Playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=BgeIHGO2SKCJcNlLjx0NFw)

The rest of the day was boring. Her current ‘co-workers’ spent most of it either jeering at her or ignoring her. It was exhausting, but people either wanting to fuck her or thinking she was better off invisible was kind of her whole life, so it was hard to find the energy to give one half of a fuck. 

The day came to an end, and it felt like when the school bell rang, that weird sense of freedom but also hating the idea of going home to have to do a whole other set of stuff she didn’t want to. SI had some work she actually liked, not as good as the suits or her bots, but it didn’t mean it didn’t feel exhausting as fuck to go back to it.

Toni stared at the screen laying upside down on her couch, the room was filled with holograms of her designs for a new set of medical technology, implementing what she remembered from the machines used to clean blood from Wakanda. 

“Are you feeling alright Ms. Toni?” JARVIS cut in.

“Yeah, why?” Toni muttered.

“You haven't spoken in two hours.

“So?”

“Generally you spend this time talking to myself or the bots.”

“Long day,” Toni bit her lip, sitting up and shaking off the headrush. 

“Dealing with Mr Hammer?”

“Yeah, it’s stupid, I wish he would just stop fucking with me.”

“He seems to enjoy causing you stress.’”

“He does! And I can’t seem to figure out how to make him stressed back. I know not giving him the tech he wants annoys him but how do I make him feel small enough he doesn’t mess with me anymore.?”

“Well,”

“I can’t shoot him with a repulsor.”

“I wasn’t going to suggest that,” JARVIS said, clearly having been about to say that. 

“Yeah, but I wish I could,” Toni groaned, standing up, twisting the model over in her hand. 

##  ~~~~~

That Wednesday evening, after two grueling days at Hammer Tech, Toni was watching the bustle of a fancy French restaurant. Her dining partner was late, but it didn’t bother her. Drinking a Citron Presse and watching everyone flit around was quite nice; being a Stark, she could get herself a table set above and away from everyone else. It had been the same place they put her father and mother when they came. But she could ignore that for the day. 

Eventually, he did show up, an immaculate suit of the most fashionable type, his hair in a short quiff. He was carrying himself like he almost belonged as the waiter showed him over and took his drink order. But Toni could tell he still felt slightly out of place. 

“Hello, Ms. Stark.”

“Good to meet you in person Mr. Blais,” Toni said, shaking his hand.

“Nicholas, please,” Nicholas said, giving her a bright smile.

“Then, Toni.”

“I can’t get used to the fact that you people have meetings in places like this,” His candid comment made Toni like him even more, the heavy French accent making his words come a bit slower.

“Well, considering this food is supposed to taste actually French I thought you would feel at home.”

“I appreciate that.”

“Well, I do want you to be willing to work with us. Your personal work into treatments for blood disorders is very impressive. And considering you don’t currently have an employer, I hope SI’s ability to make your work a reality would be of interest for you.”

“I think it might be,” Nicholas agreed. 

The meal was actually quite productive, and at the end, they ended up just talking about science in what Pepper called ‘full geek mode.’ They were chatting in animated French on the way out; after a few drinks, and the conversations more personal. Nicholas had struggled to find the right words in English and Toni’s French was near fluent. Glad for her parents' insistence, she can make business deals in every language, except Spanish of course. Which would actually be useful, Toni thought, internally annoyed at her father. 

They shared a car back to their respective places, it made more sense to only make one driver have to brave NYC traffic. 

Cameras flashed when they stepped out at her apartment, Toni felt an internal eye roll at their need to capture every moment of her life, and that they had found out where she currently lived. 

Nicholas, being a gentleman and all, saw her to the door. 

“Sorry about this, “ Toni said, shrugging.

“No, I had a good night,” he nodded with a nice smile, flushed with the current stress of a million lens flares. 

“Me too,” Toni returned his smile

“See you soon,” he said over the din, kissing her lightly on the cheek and pushing his way back to the car. 

They're all gonna think we were on a date, Toni thought as she got into the relative quiet of the lobby floor where the well-paid doorman kept the Parazzi outside. 

##  ~~~~~

Going out late on a Wednesday was probably a shitty decision but it had been a relatively good night in a business sense, and personal one. And the photos on the gossip sites were not that bad; they were fully dressed and she had only had two drinks so they were even mostly sober. The words they caught posed both of them as polite and they didn’t even kiss on the lips, just a very quick cheek one. 

Of course they still all said they were dating and tried to work out how they would have met. The idea of SI being interested in his work didn’t come into the discussion at all. 

All of it was that much sweeter when Justin Hammer glared at her and she just shrugged. 

He made all the comments he could while on the floor about her being this or that, but it was easy to shrug off today because he was mad at her for having a good day and that was way too pathetic and petty to even bother being annoyed by. 

At lunch she sat in their garden eating a lunch she had packed herself. Most owners of businesses worth billions of dollars would not bring lunch. But having to cook her own food was less nerve wracking. It meant not having to be overly obsessed about what was in the food she was eating, trying to count calories and the like at lunchtime. 

The view here was quite nice as well pulling her phone in her hand she saw multiple texts from Pepper.

“Someone had a nice ‘work meal.’”

“We got an email in the company box as follow up.”

“God people really do you think you date anyone you even say hello too.”

Toni grinned, calling Pepper. 

“I made a business connection and nothing untoward happened.”

“I believe you, but how did you get him to sign? He left his previous position over ethics.”

“I spoke superb French, understood his work, got his bad sci-fi jokes, and have a history of taking risks. I think I'm what he was looking for. He agreed for us to fund his research.”

“Oh, and I also said we’d give him a lab” Toni added.

“Well, I took my job for the vacation time, you'd pay for school, and you threatened to shoot a sexual harasser. We all have our criteria....Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have taken my shot at PR,” Pepper teased. 

“Hey, but you love me now.”

“Yeah I do, you’re my friend, how’d that happen?”

“Enough exposure inoculates you to my annoying habits.”

“You’re not that annoying. And I love my job,” Pepper said with heart. 

“Another plus of last night. Hammer is pissed, thinking I fucked Nicholas, probably.”

“Well, annoying that piece of shit is also fun.”

“For sure.”

“Talk soon, have to deal with The Board.”

Toni smiled and pocketed her phone. 

Toni sipped on a cup of coffee on her way inside.

“That was a long break,” Hammer sneered.

“I was just talking about last night, how much of a good time me and Nicholas had, you know how it is after a good date,” Toni described sitting on one of the tables.

“I read up on him in the papers and it turns out he is the same business as us. And you said it wasn’t how you got your deal done,” a glint crossed his eyes making Toni’s skin crawl.

“Well, I actually wanted his business,” Toni said, looking him square in the face.

“You need mine,” He said, stepping too close for comfort. 

Toni pushed a hand on his chest, shoving him back, “Back the fuck up Hammer.”

Toni was glad when everyone filled in hitting pause on their disagreement.

Though luck didn’t last after they broke back into teams to work, Hammer decided to loom over her, she couldn’t shake it and it was pissing her off. After a bit longer she stood up quickly, grabbing her purse

“See you later.” She called with a wave of her hand.

“The day isn’t over.” Hammer said 

“I have work to do for my company, considering I don't work for you. My hours are still set by me, and Pepper. This is a side project that, as I’ve pointed out, I don’t really want to be doing. See you later.”

On the way out Toni heard him mutter something unintelligible angrily under his breath. 

Round three Toni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me your thoughts i love hearing them!


	17. Round 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: violence a bit more realistic then canon but nothing gory
> 
> Songs: 49-52
> 
> [ Youtube Playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

Getting home after winning a round, she felt thoroughly like a loser. Toni flopped face forward on her couch, kicking her shoes off with a groan. She was exhausted, but projects needed to be submitted to SI, she wanted to work on her Iron Queen suits, and there was always daily shit to do like laundry or cooking.

And it was hard to want to do anything with the specter of having to continue to work with a Hammer hung over head. She still had to go in, like, all week, and do things, and have coworkers. Working in R&D at SI, she pretty much spent all her time holed up in her private lab, only interacting with people on an as-needed basis. Being CEO consisted mostly of ignoring people and board meetings. This whole working for Hammer thing was new and she hated it. 

Another long groan escaped her,

“Is this what having a real job is like?” Toni said into her couch cushion.

“My job is serving you, Ms. Toni, how would I know?”

“Fair point.” Toni pushed herself up on her elbows

“I have to go do stuff for Pepper, don’t I?”

“Yes, you have done no SI work for two days.”

“See, actually sending work in is so much harder than designing it.”

“For you, it would seem so.”

“Well, technically, last night was for SI. I’ve not gotten that far behind.”

“You’ve spent more time on the Iron Queen and War Machine projects.”

“Hey, I built War Machine for Rhodey. And I needed to update it. Besides, having it ready for him here is a good idea, it’s closer to DC.”

“That is...technically correct,” JARVIS gave in. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni watched the news on Friday morning and dropped the bowl she had been eating from. Hammer was on some news show talking about a demonstration he was planning on doing to show off his Iron Soldier program. He mentioned her vaguely but only to add that he was willing to do what was needed...and put aside his “ego”. What a fucking liar. Her nails dug into her skin, the familiar pain reaching her. Not the best grounding skill, but better than the other shit she could be doing. 

“That rat bastard, he’s gonna blow New York sky-high!” Toni said to no one in particular, feeling like the world had shifted just a bit to the left. Off-balance. 

Toni drove to the demonstration Hammer was holding, looking at the fantastical display in the arena which was only slightly more garish as her own expo--ego is ego, she guessed. Her exhibitions weren’t any better than his, except for the fact that she didn’t have most likely fucked repulsors without proper guiding systems around civilians. 

Toni was let behind the stage to see Hammer preening. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head as his assistant finished his eyeliner. 

“Where’d you steal it from, Hammer?”

“Stark? Whatever do you mean?” he continued his peacock routine, showing off, making himself seem bigger. 

“You don’t have enough data to design full uniforms yet,” Toni said, “so either you stole information or you’re faking it.”

“Little bit of both, I'm not as much of an idiot as you take me for. I could work out how to make the basics of repulsors you use,” he said, sauntering towards her.

“Bully for you, what are you doing with it?” Toni stood her ground crossing her arms.

“Well, I'll admit I couldn't figure out how to make a full suit work; the human factor was confusing me. I mean, how you integrate it is confusing to me. I mean, I’m pretty sure you should have killed yourself with recoil alone, if the air pressure didn’t do the job first. And that arc reactor, really, how did you do that? ”

“Sounds like you don’t have it worked out at all,” Toni growled. He’d missed every essential point; all he saw was the potential for explosions. 

“I did what the military has always wanted anyway: I removed the human factor.”

“You made Iron Queen-shaped drones?”

“They’re more than drones. Sure, they’re controlled at a hub, but they have autonomous thinking. And I got close enough on the repulsor tech no one will know the difference. Though I suppose they're more suitable as killing machines than your original Iron Queen.”

“Hammer, what are you thinking?” Toni took a step towards him, “If you don’t get this right, people will die.”

He took another step towards her, closing the distance between them. A flicker of concern played on his face before twisting back to smug satisfaction. “This is just a little light show, we’re not fighting anybody yet. Now, I have some contracts to secure, run along.”

Toni shook her head and, turning on her heel, she checked her phone, scanning the area. Something behind the stage was giving off weird energy signatures and a lot of heat. Holy fuck, Hammer was about to do something incredibly, impossibly dumb. You didn’t need that much power to put on a light show. 

Once out of his view, she ran at full tilt. Grabbing the suit from her car, she waited, watching from the edge of the arena. Screens broadcasted Hammer’s triumphant speech to the large crowd; she was struck by the fact he was copying her expo, and sincerely hoped she hadn’t seemed quite so vacuous. After an atrociously long display of dancers and some fireworks, the group of ten automated suits lined up. A feeling of dread curled in Toni’s stomach, her fingers dug into her palm. 

They did a few display moves, and then Toni’s personal fear that everything will go wrong was vindicated when a not-quite repulsor beam shot out and exploded a flashing sign neon, sending sparks showering down on a screaming crowd. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Toni muttered, sliding into the Iron Queen Armour.

Hovering over the screaming crowd, she looked back and forth at the Iron Soldiers who were taking off and firing at what seemed random. First, she just needed to get the civilians out. Toni swooped under a crashing awning, keeping it off a reporter's head.

“Do you see an attack pattern, J?” Toni grunted. 

“They are currently targeting the largest heat signatures and likely have threat detectors,” JARVIS confirmed.

“So, biggest targets and threats?”

“It seems to be the current pattern.”

“So if the military or police come we're going to have a problem?”

“There are also an awful lot of Neon signs and other hot things in NYC,” JARVIS added.

“Yeah, there is, of course, there is. Let’s let robots that indescribably shoot advertisements into a city, what a great plan Hammer!” Toni shouted.

Toni flew into the sky, working out where to aim first. She figured the best tactic would be to try to remove their weapons and then get them to fall out of the sky, though not on people, if that was at all possible. 

She shot the gun at the end of one drone’s arms and it fell down, fried. The full Iron Soldier went flying, back, god this was going to take forever she needed a better plan. She flew around the perimeter, keeping them from leaving the stadium. It wasn’t the best plan, as it had the side effect of keeping the drones flying over the people who had not left the arena yet, but it was better than letting them loose on the city.

Loud bangs, crashes, screaming, and the sound of repulsors going off overwhelmed her senses, leaving her feeling like a robot herself. Thankfully the Iron Soldiers read her as a threat and were directing much of their fire her way. The Iron Soldiers were moving disjointedly and were wildly out of control, but damn they packed a punch. 

“Need some help?” Rhodey’s voice cut through the barrage of noise.

“Contain them. Their targeting is based on heat signatures and perceived threats. They shoot us, we shoot back,” Toni ordered.

“Thanks for the suit, by the way,” Rhodey said

“Now you thank me?”

“I wasn’t very happy with you when you gave it to me!”

“I was dying!”Toni defended.

“The NYPD has shown up, and I read a SHIELD frequency as well,” JAVIS warned.

“Well at least it’s not the military yet, then we’d have two groups of idiots to deal with,” Toni said with a grin. Her next shot landed square on another gun arm fully disarming that robot. One final shot brought it to the ground.

“I resent that!” Rhodey called back, landing a blow on another bot with the War Machine’s munitions arm, leaving the drone clearly scrambling as it hit the ground. Two down.

As Toni feared, the Iron Soldiers set their sights on the rushing police who were more disorganized than the robots. Toni winced as the men in blue ran towards the chaos. Their body armor didn’t even always stop civilian guns. Before Toni could do anything, the Iron Soldiers had three cops on the ground dead.

“Speakers, J,” Toni ordered. “Hey, coppers! The androids are targeting based on threat, just get people out of here and set a parameter. Don’t raise your guns! ”

They looked between each other, shaking in their boots. She slammed into an Ion Soldier as it tried to attack, kicking it back. Her repulsor beam and the soldier’s rebounded off each other. Toni slammed into a wall letting out a grunt of pain. 

“Now would be good!” Toni yelled.

They scrambled out, finally getting the civilians clear. Seriously, what possessed those men to think they could get jack shit done here? 

“J, connect me to Rhodey and SHIELD,” Toni instructed. 

“Finally inviting me to the party?” Natasha asked. 

“You're the one who is more than fashionably late.”

“No time to be quippy Stark,” Agent-Agent cut in. 

“Keep your guns low, they target those,” Rhodey warned.

“Agent-Agent, get the police to keep people away, including themselves. And if possible, get your boss to hold up any National Guard presence, ” Toni directed.

“Got it,” Agent-Agent replied.

“Romanoff, go backstage please, Hammer was keeping something there and it might be important,” Toni said, shooting one more Iron Soldier out of the sky; three down.

“Right,” Natasha confirmed. 

“And Romanoff? If you get the chance, kick that creep’s ass. Thank you!”

“Oh, you know I will.”

“Why do you only ask her nicely?” Rhodey joked.

“She’s the scariest and prettiest,” Toni confirmed, a brief smile flitting across her lips. 

The entire arena was in shambles, and it was hard to breathe. Toni got in a headshot, sending a soldier careening into the body-strewn floor. The burning metal fell on a corpse, causing blood to spurt out, sending off steam as it hit the sparking drive. Bile hit her throat as she turned quickly to fight off another approaching bot. 

Rhodey got two more robots out of commission, leaving them halfway to victory. As soon as Toni thought maybe they could actually stop this from becoming a city-wide catastrophe, one drone escaped the arena and headed toward the forming police line.

“Rhodey, I'll get the one that’s loose; there is a missile on your suit, only one, but it might get a few at a time.” 

“I know how to shoot things,” Rhodey griped. 

“I know that, but I only added it a few days ago.”

Toni was almost caught up to the soldier who was literally sparking like a robot in a freaking bad action movie. Its gun arm was swaying wildly in the air till it settled on a trembling child with his arms outstretched. He was guarding a man passed out on the pavement. Of course the cops missed a civilian, of course, it was a kid, and of course, they were being brave, Toni thought bitterly. 

Toni hoped being knocked about hadn't messed with JARVIS’s targeting and sent out a blast. A relieved sigh escaped her mouth as the Iron Soldier fell to the ground and shattered. The child was staring wide-eyed at her. Toni landed, glancing between the kid and the man on the ground. The HUD read them both as healthy enough; thank God for small mercies. 

“Good work, you saved him,” Toni told the kid and put her hand on his head. “How are we doing?” Toni called as she shot back into the air. 

“Got two with the missile,” Rhodey answered.

The Iron Queen and War Machine hovered back-to-back in the middle of the arena. They were evenly matched with two remaining robots, beat to hell and back. Toni was running on fumes, her own suit dented and cracked. Before she had time to target another Soldier, the two drones froze and landed on the ground.

“Got it,” Natasha said into the coms. “They had a control hub back here.” 

“Good,” Toni landed harshly in the rubble.

“I have a slightly bloody Hammer with me as well,” Natasha added--Toni could hear a hint of pride in her voice. 

“Music to my ears.” 

Rhodey’s metal-clad hand clapped her shoulder. A storm of commandos rushed in and the sound of helicopters flew in above them, no doubt news crews. The sirens of fire trucks, ambulances, and cop cars were deafening. Toni could feel a migraine coming on. 

“The power signal I read behind the stage has gone out, and there are no more Iron Soldier signals,” JARVIS confirmed.

Staring around at the carnage-filled Toni with disgust and guilt. A building torn to shreds and a fair amount of dead and injured people. All of these lives lost or forever altered by this senseless violence, born from her tech and Hammer’s hunger for power and fame. 

##  ~~~~~

Rhodey and Tony leaned on a wall, agents crawling around them. Hammer’s phone was laying next to the cracked pile of computers that had been operating the Iron Soldiers. Pulling it into her pocket wasn’t that hard, and no one seemed to see. The phone would give her enough access to get into Hammer’s private files, so she could make sure other people couldn’t hack their way in and create their own super drones. And hopefully, Toni could at least get the information scrubbed before SHIELD could get their hands on it, even if they absolutely had the repulsor tech now; Hammer’s Iron Soldiers may be shot to hell, but SHIELD was smart enough to reverse engineer a good weapon from all that tech. 

“So, Stark, that was quite a display.” Fury walked up to her with what might have been a concern tingeing his eyes.

“Well, I do love a show,” Toni deadpanned.

“So what happens now?” Rhodey asked, crossing his arms.

“We're keeping the NYPD and emergency services under surveillance to keep them from having the remains of Hammer’s tech.”

“You handle the news?” Toni asked, really hoping he’d say yes this time.

“Yeah, we got it Stark, got an NYPD surrogate out there.”

“Thanks for that...” 

“Not enough Stark, you owe me one now”

“Of course I do, what do you want?” Toni groaned, locking wills with Fury’s one-eyed glare.

“Nothing right now, but I’ll call it in.”

“Good enough. For now all I want is a nap and a drink,” Toni walked towards her car.

“You coming, Rhodey?”

Rhodey shook his head with a smile playing on his lips and followed her out. Toni saw Natasha leaning on a car with tinted windows, looking at her nails. 

“Thank you for your help on this one, Natasha,” Toni said with a nod. 

“Anytime,  _ Toni. _ This was fun, love a good explosion,” Natasha remarked. 

“You say that sarcastically, but I think some part of you loved this,” Toni teased.

“Whatever you want to think,” Natasha shrugged.

##  ~~~~~

They only had one night to lick their wounds before Rhodey and Toni were dragged in front of their respective government overlords. Toni stared at the same group of big wigs who had put her in this stupid situation to start off with. 

“I don’t think it needs saying that you are no longer bound by our earlier agreement,” Williams said. “We have considered that due to the ease of misuse of the iron queen technology we won’t be requesting you work with anyone else on an Iron Soldier development. We hope the government's relationship with SI won’t be affected moving forward.”

“Oh really--agreement, request, really? Stop bullshiting me. I mean, can’t you do better than that?” Toni said, tapping out the sequence on her phone to begin recording. 

“We put you in a bad situation,” Wiliams tried.

“Nope.” 

“We didn’t consider--”

“Nope”

“We pushed too hard.”

“No,” Toni said. Her tone was growing icey. 

“Fine, Stark,” Stern growled. “We blackmailed and threatened you! Happy? Can we move forward?”

Smiling, Toni stopped the recording. 

“No, this is how it’s going to go. You’re going to put out that Hammer was responsible for what happened, and Hammer alone. The Senate and the Army are going to quit holding shit over my head, and back off Iron Queen for good. Oh, and Sergeant Rhodes will now be Master Sergeant Rhodes, I know he has enough time under his belt,” Toni commanded. 

“Hold on, just because we misjudged Hammer’s character--” Ross cut in.

“No, no you didn’t misjudge his character. I hope you understand, I recorded Mr. Stern there admitting you blackmailed me. I don't have to play mind games like you, all I have to do is hit send. And all of you know I'm very good with technology. Like I said, the blame for the robots goes on Hammer, you stop badgering me for Iron Queen tech, and Rhodes gets a promotion,” Toni shot back.

“That's a hard bargain,” Williams said with a huff.

“You threatened me and the people I love. You dug up the past, and forced me to work with an ass who tried to sexually assault me and blow up a city block. So in my opinion, I'm not asking for much. Just that the right people are rewarded and punished, with a side of you not ending any more innocent lives. Not that hard, it’s the bare minimum. ”

“I think we can agree on that,” Williams held out his hand.

Toni shook it with a grin. “I’m really happy with how this business shook out, gentlemen. I hope we don’t need to do this again for a very long time.”

Round five went to Toni. Maybe now she could just catch her breath. 


	18. Catch My Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past child abuse, alcohol use  
> Songs 53-56  
> [YouTube Playlist ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

Immense joy filled Toni when she hacked into the government to remove all files on the Iron Soldier Project, and any proof of Obie’s arms deals. Screwing with the bastards who’d messed with her was fun on its own, but more than anything, now they couldn’t blackmail her or use her tech. 

Hacking Hammer tech was even easier than the DOD and Senate servers, which was honestly depressing. She erased all Iron Soldier information and some other files just to make their other projects harder. Hammer’s phone offered back access to all his personal files, and the contacts gave her an easy way to investigate anyone who he even vaguely talked to about Iron Queen. Everything about Iron Queen needed to stay in-house and under her and JARVIS’s supervision. 

The whole affair had turned out in her favour-Rhodey got a nice promotion and a commendation. Wiliams, Ross, and Stern looked angry the whole time; it was a treat watching them have to swallow their pride.

##  ~~~~~

Toni was lounging on her deck feeling like a movie villainess, or a 50’s starlet, with her martini in one hand when JARVIS chimed, “Agent Coulson is at the door.” 

“Let him in,” Toni groaned. 

“Hello, Stark.”

“Join me for a drink, Agent-Agent,” Toni said, pointing to the minibar.

“I have a name,” Agent-Agent retorted.

“True, but at this point in our relationship, calling you by your real name seems like a break in a great tradition.”

“Ya know, I told Audrey that I knew Toni stark. She didn’t believe me.”

“I mean, it’s not like you’re Mr. Cool.”

“When I told her you call me “Agent-Agent” and never learned my name she laughed, and then believed me.”

Agent-Agent appeared to be debating whether to take up her offer of a drink, but he quickly gave in and went to the drink cart.

“See, I really did you a solid by never learning your name.”

“So it would seem,” he agreed, pouring his glass with a look of bemusement. 

“You calling in Fury’s IOU?” Toni asked.

“Not really, I think he’s saving that.”

“Of course he is,” Toni muttered into her drink.

Agent-Agent joined her with his own glass of whisky. Toni held up her cup and they toasted, Agent-Agent shaking his head as Toni grinned at making him join in her antics. 

“Tell me though, why are you here?” Toni asked.

“Fury wants me to watch out for you,” Agent-Agent explained. 

“Right--for me, or for Iron Queen?”

“Thought that was the same thing.”

“Not when it comes to him.” 

“Why?”

“He knows me,” Toni stressed, turning away from the man’s impassive eyes. Toni stood up putting her glass on the counter. “You know me,” she added. 

“When have we ever had a real conversation?” Agent-Agent prodded.

Toni held the edge of the counter till her knuckles went white then whirled around to face the man, “your girlfriend, what does she do for a living?”

“She’s a cellist.”

Toni nodded. “What’s your favorite dessert?”

He scoffed. “What is this, 20 questions?”

“You said we’ve never had a real conversation. So I thought we should have one.”

“Conversations go two ways. Cheesecake .”

Toni smiled and shook her head. 

“Favourite color?” Agent-Agent asked.

“Red. If you could meet one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?”

“Steve Rogers. You?”

“Same,” Toni answered, sitting on the bar counter, “Perfect Saturday afternoon.”

“Doing absolutely nothing, and Fury doesn’t call me the whole time. Same question.”

“Watch a movie with Rhodey. Fly in the suit and play with the Bots.” 

Toni watched his face trying to tell what this was about. Distracting men was something Toni was usually very good at, but Agent-Agent was different. Well, at least he’d never shown he wanted her in that way. And it wasn’t simple to goad him like Fury. Rhodey and Happy were easy, just make the puppy dog eyes. But Agent-Agent had known her for over a decade and she hadn’t figured him out yet, making him better than Romanoff at hiding-- bet she’d hate that. 

“How are you?”Agent-Agent’s question brought Toni from her thoughts.

“What do you mean?” Toni hesitated. 

“I’m meant to be checking in on you. I can’t use a SHIELD asset questionnaire, I’m pretty sure you’ve read it.”

“Aunt Peggy wrote the prototype you’ve been using. You’ve just updated it and included psychobabble.” 

“Exactly. So tell me, how are you?”

“I don’t currently plan on shooting anybody innocent or myself,” Toni deadpanned.

“Well,” Agent-Agent passed her his cup.“Good check-in.”

He started to walk out of the house.

“What the hell?” Toni slid off the counter and ran after him.

“That’s what I need for my records. You're behaving within acceptable parameters.”

“You’re, what, my parole officer now?” Toni joked, not realizing how easy it was to still feel hurt. At this point you think she would be immune to feeling used, this is exactly what she knew was going to happen. An “asset” was all she ever would be to these people. 

“What did you think this was? I wanted to come to have drinks with you for fun?” Agent-Agent sighed.

“Nothing,” Toni countered stepping back, “I’m not an idiot, I know what I am to you and to him. ”

“Look, Toni. Just remember he could have sent some newbie agent who would have made your life a living hell or been a fangirl.”

“He sent you because I wouldn’t shoot you for walking into my house. You’ve proven to not be the worst kind of person.” 

He shook his head and almost left but paused and made eye contact, “ Look Toni, we have been looking out for you. SHIELD isn’t your enemy.”

“Not sure about SHIELD, but I don’t think  _ you’re  _ my enemy, just a pain in my ass”

He scoffed and, with a single-handed wave, left the house. 

**~~~~~**

Toni was in a car, driving through Philadelphia. It was nice to drive herself. Riding beneath these street lamps felt a bit like going home. She was sure she stood out, though, her car was probably really expensive. Toni knew jack about cars--people who knew more about them, including Happy, bought them all for her. Having the best cars was a thing with rich dudes, and Toni still felt a burning desire to not feel inferior...well, more so then she always did. God, sometimes she still felt like her teen self, trying to fit in with the big kids. 

When she came upon the Rhodes house, a soft smile spread across her face. Knocking on the door, she shifted her bag from hand to hand. It was a large suitcase, but she only had one, and then her backpack, which still contained what the SHIELD manual said to pack, not that she really thought she would need any of it, but then again who knows when you might get kidnapped. Damn, the same basic stuff as the first time she came here when she was just a stupid kid trying to survive her family--and now she had none. But she was still trying to survive, with different armor, and different people hurting her, by following the same cardinal rules; don’t fall apart, and don’t die. Also, fighting for the will to live still hung around, but that’s on what her therapist called “chronic trauma.” 

Her spiraling thoughts were shut off when Rhodey opened the door and pulled her into a spinning hug. Stepping inside the house, the smell of a Christmas tree and food baking let some of the tightness in her chest release. The hug of Mama Rhodes and Mr. Rhodes put a little warmth in the coldness that forever lingered in her chest. 

They sat at the kitchen table; Jen wasn’t there yet, but you could tell the festivities had clearly started. The food smelled stronger in the kitchen, and honestly, it was getting to be a lot. Toni could feel Rhodey’s eyes boring into her as she pushed meat along the plate. 

“What, Rhodey?”

“What do ya mean?”

“I can feel you trying to get into my head.”

“You're not eating!”

“I’m 25 years old Rhodey, I can do what I want.”

“Yeah yeah, but eat your food.”

Toni sighed a long breath and ate enough that she no longer felt Rhodey judging her. 

Rhodey and his dad went to go get the larger table for the next day when Jen and her boyfriend would be visiting. Toni was really proud of her kind-of sister. She was studying to be a teacher, currently in her Master's program. Rhodey seemed to like her boyfriend, which was a good sign. But Toni was still wanting to meet him badly, to make sure Jen was being treated right. 

She had been a bit overwhelmed lately, so being here was a nice respite...though she was also feeling a bit nervous. She had only gotten calls and cards from the Rhodes family since she became Iron Queen, and they could be judging her. 

“I can help you cook this year. I assume you're starting the Christmas Day meal tomorrow?” Ton asked as she helped clean the plates.

“Are you sure?” Mama Rhodes said an eyebrow raised.

“I learned to cook.”

“Where?”

Toni hesitated but decided to be honest, “it was suggested as a coping skill for my PTSD and eating disorder.”

“Well, that sounds great. I just hope you can keep up with me.”

Toni felt an honest-to-God grin burst across her face.

“Toni, I do have something important to talk to you about. Sorry to ambush you on day one, but I thought it would be better to say now.”

Toni’s face fell and a cold rush of fear shot through her. Toni sat down, waiting for something that she knew was going to be bad.

“I got to be honest, you have to be careful with my son.”

“Be careful?” Toni asked softly, cocking her head.

“You are living a dangerous life.”

“I always have.”

“You drink and do drugs.”

“I never got Rhodey into that. He’s been old enough to have a few beers since I met him,” Toni recoiled.

“Yes, and that’s why I was never that worried. I felt bad for both of you, you never deserved how people treated you. And Rhodey’s heart broke when he wasn’t able to help you. When you were captured, and when you were sick.”

“I know I hurt him. I would never do that on purpose,” Toni protested. 

“Which is why I am asking you. Don’t pull him into your new phase of playing superhero.”

Toni laid her head in her hands letting out a large sigh. Yeah, they were judging her, but she hadn’t expected them to jump to her hurting Rhodey. Did they really think that low of her?

“I know he got involved in what went down with Hammer Tech. You made him his own fighting armor. He could have died! ”

“He had a choice. He never had to do it, but yes I made his armor. Of course, I did, every piece of Iron Queen tech, along with my Bots, go to Rhodey when I die. Because he is the bravest, most honorable man I have ever met--hell, person I have ever met. He is brave and amazing. Worth protecting, and definitely trustworthy!” Toni shouted--how dare she act like Toni was using Rhodey.

“Of course he is. That’s exactly why if you give him the power to make those stupid honorable sacrifices, he would,” Mama Rhodes retorted.

“Ah, no, you are not giving him enough credit. Rhodey is, yeah, an honorable man, but he knows better than to go in guns blazing. He’s not like me, he has fucking common sense. Which, again, is why he gets the armor and not some shit-head at SI or Hammer Tech, and definitely not the military.”

“I know you think that is a good thing to do Toni. Pretending to be a comic book character isn’t going to fix anything. I suggest blowing the lot up before you and him and God knows who else gets hurt.”

“No fucking way! Iron Queen is my way of actually doing some good in this world. And it's not like Rhodey will be War Machine all the time, anyway. He’s way smarter than me. It’s a contingency plan, not a career change.”

The door to the kitchen slammed and Rhodey was glaring at them.

“I can make my own decisions. What I do or don’t do with War Machine is my choice. I will help people with it if I can because I am not too smart to do it. I mean it’s literally robot armor. Come on! But I’m also not going to devote my whole life to it, I have a job I actually like. Neither of you gets to tell me what to do or not do with my own life. I’m not being played and I’m not perfect!”

Toni felt her face burn and looked anywhere but at Rhodey’s face. Nails boring into her flesh, stomach-turning tricks in her gut. She’d really fucked up, Rhodey never yelled at her like that. 

“Toni, let me and my mom talk for a minute, okay?” Rhodey said, his voice quiet. 

Toni nodded, and, wrapping her arms around herself, she took the stairs two at a time to Rhodey’s room. She quickly put her earbuds in and turned the volume on full. She didn’t want to hear the fight about to happen, couldn’t deal with the idea she’d screwed up one of the few happy families that existed. She laid on the bed, staring at the wall. 

Her world was drowned out by the last notes of Mr. Brightside when a hand touched her back. “I fucked up, sorry honey bear.”

“Not Rhodey,” Mr. Rhodes' voice came loud enough to cut through the music. 

Toni quickly sat up to face the man. Wiping her tears from her face pulling the earbuds out.

“Right, ah, sorry for being rude.”

“You're all right Toni. Can I sit?”

Toni nodded, folding her feet to crisscross. He sat and let out a long breath.

“I’m not going to lie, the thought of my son flying around in a metal man getting shot at by futuristic robots is not exactly my dream. But when I thought that, I realized I sent my son to go get shot at by terrorists and fly in planes that get blown up with missiles. And if I got the chance to play a future soldier I would have. I also agree with you that Rhodey will do his job. I however would appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t curse at my wife.”

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have. I'll apologize when she's ready to talk. If I try to do it now I'll just make things worse. I always mess these things up.”

“A real apology, don't do that self-deprecating thing. Try again”

“I’m sorry for upsetting you, and I'll do my best to make it up to Mama Rhodes.”

“You better,” He stood to leave, hesitating in the door, and turning back. “By the way, I do think the Iron Queen is kind of amazing. You're out of your goddamn mind, but I can see the bravery in it. Not to mention, come on, it’s like something from a movie. It’s really impressive.”

“Thanks,” Toni laughed.

Toni leaned on the wall--at least one Rhodes didn’t hate her right now.

##  ** ~~~~~ **

Toni woke up the next day with Rhodey on an air mattress next to her. He was playing on his phone and smiled at her when he saw her sit up. 

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Rhodey bear”

Toni tilted her head to the side, he seemed chill. The expression on his face was mildly amused, but not stressed.

“You're not pissed at me?” Toni wondered.

“Not really. You got in a fight with my mom, I mean shit, I hate being placed between two people I love. But I have to say, it was rude of her to be mad at you for my decisions. And remember, you also don’t get to decide what I do with my life any more than she does. You also don’t curse at my mother,” Rhodey chastised.

“Right, yeah, won’t do it again. And she was right, I do put you in danger. Just know I didn't give you the suit for you to go get yourself blown up or whatever. I wasn’t totally in my right mind at the time, almost dying and all. But I did give it to you so you could protect things. And I do only trust you with the Iron Queen, JARVIS, and the Bots,” Toni said, placing her hands on his arms, looking him dead in the eye.

“I know Tones, I do. But you ride with me, and I ride with you. Neither of us gets to go dying without the other, right? ”

“Got it platypus,” Toni smiled.

They went downstairs and saw the two elder Rhodes drinking their coffee. Rhodey strode straight in as if nothing was awkward. Jerk move, leaving her all alone. 

“Good morning,” Toni tried. 

“Morning,” they said in unison.

“Mrs. Rhodes. I wanted to apologize for being rude last night. And for not always thinking through my actions. I have put Rhodey in danger. I will do my best to not act without thought. I won’t be so rude in the future. I can’t promise my work won’t ever get Rhodey hurt but I can promise to not do it recklessly.”

“Thank you, Toni. And I'm sorry for acting accusatory and blaming you. We both know Rhodey was always going to go be noble enough to get himself hurt before he met you, though you did give him futuristic laser beams to do it with,” Mrs. Rhodes came over to Toni, putting an arm around her. “You're a reckless, and brave, woman. And my family. So get your act together, it's Mama Rhodes to you.”

“Yes, Mama Rhodes,” Toni said, relief flooding through her. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni and Mama Rhodes cooked the food in companionable silence, outside of the Christmas carols wafting through the air and occasionally reading out directions. 

“I’m impressed,” Mama Rhodes said when Toni finished a pie to place in the fridge, it would be set to cook during the meals.

“I told you I learned to cook,” Toni said with a shrug.

“But I figured you had just learned enough to not starve.”

“I don’t do things halfway.”

“Well, that’s true.”

At that moment Jen and her boyfriend showed up, yelling “Happy Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Toni moved to the living room and smiled at the movie perfect scene of the family coming in covered in snow to a room lit by Christmas lights. 

“Toni!” Jen shouted and wrapped her arms around Toni’s neck. She Was now a few inches taller than Toni, which annoyed her as Jen was meant to be the littlest sister. But it was good to see her. Jen's face was bright, and her hair was in tight braids that bounced with her excited movements. Toni was glad she looked well, with eyes full of life. 

“This is Tom,” she introduced a tall, dark brown-skinned man. He was slight and had an angular face. His eyes had almost black irises, making him look very striking. But any intimidation they might have had was cut by the welcoming, sparkly smile playing on his lips. 

“Nice to meet you,” Toni greeted.

“You really are Toni Stark,” he said as they shook hands.

“Yup,” Toni said, “and you’re Tom. 

“You really are friends with the Iron Queen,” Tom said conspiratorially to his girlfriend. “You saw her with James on tv,” Jen said as they went to sit on the couch. 

“Yeah but that could be professional or something.”

“You just don’t see how cool we really are,” Jen joked with mock offense. 

The rest of the Rhodes came and greeted their family members. Toni slipped into the kitchen to finish working on the food, staying away from the emotional scene she was only tangentially a part of.

##  ~~~~~

The next morning they all sat around the Christmas tree eating a breakfast of sweetbreads and coffee. 

The family exchanged gifts and Jen got a hella expensive looking necklace, Toni wasn’t sure how that reflected on her new boyfriend. Willing to spend money was good, but buying affection was not good. His gifts to the parents were thoughtful--Mama Rhodes’ favorite perfume and wood polish for Mr, Rhodes’ projects in the basement. Rhodey got a joint gift from him and his sister, plane tickets out to see a play with them, respectable.

Next was Rhodey's gift to Toni, she opened it and she felt a real warm grin cross her face. It was an air force hoodie, that was for sure used as it was already a bit stretched and faded.

“You gave her a beat-up PT sweater?” Jen said wrinkling her nose.

“If she only wears my MIT one it will unravel,” Rhodey explained.

“I love it,” Toni answered and Rhodey clapped her on the shoulder.

Rhodey took the package Toni had given to him and a smirk crossed his face and he shook his head. He pulled it out of the box to show the others. Toni grinned back, a large blue ceramic mug with block white text “#1 Bro” and a white handle. 

Jen laughed at that, “Damn I should have thought of that, my travel mug is less impressive.”

“Though I guess everyone thinks I need coffee,” Rhodey said, placing the mug on the table next to him. 

Toni leaned into him as everyone lazed around drinking said coffee and munching on holiday bread. Toni was pretty sure this was her favorite Christmas. 

##  ** ~~~~~ **

Toni stood in her room watching Dick Clark's New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with a feeling of detachment. It was New Year's Eve, and she was spending it alone. Pepper was staying with her mother; they weren’t super close but Pepper had gotten stuck over Christmas and chose to stay for New Years'. Rhodey was spending any time off with his family. He was going to be deployed in the upcoming months, so clawing for time with Mamma Rhodes and the rest made sense. Happy was taking vacation time for most of the month up in Canada where there was snow--apparently, he loved skiing and Toni only found all these years later. Watching the festivities in Time Square made proverbial butterflies fly in her gut. 

Starting new, starting over; that was the ethos of this time of the year. Phoenixes were born from the ashes, that was her general story. But maybe someday she would be able to make changes without being burned to ash.

To be able to experience her own rebirth without the inevitable collapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so late. If you actually listen to any of the music I will update that soon but life has been a mess. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	19. Rebirth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past Abuse  
> Songs: 56-58  
> [Youtube Playlist](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [ Spotify Plsylist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=1eea782f8a22477b)

“Ms. Toni, Director Fury is at the door.”

“Whaa?” Toni said, sitting up in bed.

“Director Fury is ringing the doorbell.”

Toni let out an unintelligible cluster of noises that included at least one fuck and one Fury. 

She tossed on Rhodey’s sweater over her bra and boy shorts and walked to the door.

Opening it she said, “Whadaya want Fury?” in her most annoyed tone. “It’s two in the goddamn morning.”

Fury smiled his most smug smile and stepped aside. A man who looked annoyingly like Steve Rogers was most of the way up her lawn. Toni was speechless in a very uncharacteristic way.

“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” the Steve Rogers-looking man said.

“Oh, ah, yes,” Toni shook his outstretched hand. “Come in,” Toni stepped out of the doorway.

They went into the living room and stood in an awkward circle. Toni decided she ought to check she wasn’t hallucinating.

“JARVIS, you see the guy who looks like Steve Rogers right?”

“Yes, I do. Starting to scan now.”

The Steve Rogers dude was looking around for JARVIS.

“It’s her creepy computer house,” Fury explained.

“I resent the characterization of creepy,” JARVIS replied, sounding miffed.

“Why’d you ask the computer house if you were hallucinating?” the Steve man asked Toni.

“You’re dead,” Toni said.

“I’m not.”

“You should be...wait, that came out wrong. All records show you to be.”

“Well, I was frozen for over 50 years.”

“Fury, why would you do this to me?” Toni whined.

“Do what?”

“Make a clone or robot or whatever. Then come to my house at fuck-you-a.m. and show it off?”

“I didn’t do anything of the sort,” Fury shot back.

“Whoever it is. All currently available scans show him to be Steve Rogers. I took the liberty of looking through SHIELD records. Due to the changing climate and other factors, the Valkyrie was able to be recovered. Previous calculations were off due to...”

“Shut up,” Toni snapped. She turned to _ maybe _ Steve Rogers. “What was the last thing Steve Rogers said to Peggy Carter?”

“Told her I'd hate to step on her feet. Not sure she got the end of it though.”

“What rank does Steve Rogers actually hold in the army?”

Possibly Steve blinked for a minute, no words coming out then said, “Sergeant.”

Toni returned the dumbfounded blinking, “Holy shit.”

Toni was suddenly very aware that while she was standing there in her underwear. She was in her underwear in front of Captain Steve Rogers. Who was noticeably blushing. Aww, she thought and was aware she was now probably blushing back.

Toni cleared her throat and turned back to Nicky. “So, can you tell me why the apparently not-dead Captain Rogers is in my house?”

“He needs somewhere to stay while getting acclimated. SHIELD was good while we made sure he wasn’t gonna keel over, and got him to understand the basics. But somewhere slightly more civilian seemed fair. But we also needed someone in the loop, so to speak, and you are related to one of his friends. Not to mention you apparently knowing things, not in any files or public records.”

“Right, got another unofficial job. You really ought to pay me something.”

“I believe this is where I point out you owe me.”

Ton rolled her eyes. “Well, you got me there.” 

Toni turned to said, Captain. “We really ought to start over, considering I now believe you’re not a robot. I’m Antonia Stark.”

“Captain Steve Rogers. A pleasure to meet you,” he shook her hand and gave her a nice smile. 

Toni was thoroughly confused by everything and didn’t exactly like it. Part of her still expected someone to tell her she was being punked. 

“Umm, well, it’s kind of late, or early, I guess. I was thinking you might want to sleep or something. There’s a bedroom, ah, this way,” Toni turned and walked to the spare room. “You can sleep there.”

“Thanks,” Steve replied, taking his duffel bag, which she hadn’t noticed before--she was really off her game. He awkwardly closed the door behind him. 

Toni, a bit dazed still, walked back into the living room. Nicky was still standing there.

“You just really know how to screw with me,” Toni huffed.

“I promise I take no-”

“Shut it, Nicky,” Toni told him, dragging her hands down her face. “Just...give me a little warning next time you plan to bring a hot blond into my house.”

“You’ll wear pants?”

“Yes, that. Also, you know...oh Jesus, I have a poster of him in my room,” Toni groaned. “I have a stuffed animal version of his friend.”

“So I’m Nicky now?”

“You. Just really want me to punch you?”

“It would definitely be exciting.”

“Steve Rogers was my hero and the bane of my existence. Having him in my spare bedroom is a little disconcerting.”

“Ms. Toni, currently he is in your bathroom,” JARVIS cut in.

“Thank you, Mr. Pedantic,” Toni told the ceiling.

“I thought you liked specificity.”

Toni put her head in her hands. “I’m going to sleep. You’re leaving my house. When I wake up things might be back to tolerable levels of weird. Good night.”

##  ~~~~~

“Is Steve Rogers in my house, J.?” Toni said, waking up, staring at the tiles on her ceiling.

“Yes, Ms. Toni.”

“I didn’t dream the whole thing?”

“No, sorry.”

“Alright. This is just my life now.”

“So it would seem,” JARVIS replied, dripping with snark.

“Are you amused by my suffering?” 

“Well, Ms. Toni, you happen to have the thing you’ve always wanted.”

“Ahh, this was what I wanted before I even knew you! By the time I made you, I’m pretty sure I had already decided he was dead!”

“Yes, but you’ve told me about wanting him to be alive.”

“Well maybe, but that’s not the point though, is it?”

Silence was her answer.

“Anyway. What time is it?”

“6:11.”

“Might as well make breakfast.”

Toni decided she ought to get dressed now, maybe correct her mistake from last night. She pulled on a different long sleeve shirt and jeans, put in earrings, brushed her teeth and hair, and rushed to the kitchen. 

As she started putting eggs in a pan and put the bread in the toaster, anxiety pulsed through her. 

“Where is Steve?” Toni asked.

“He is currently showering. He has been awake in his room since 5:30.”

“Why didn't you wake me up?”

“I didn’t know I was meant to.”

“Right, right. I’m just a bit on edge.”

“He was doing exercise and getting ready. I don’t believe he was upset by your not being awake.”

“Sure, okay,” Toni said. The scrambled eggs finished quickly. As she went to plate them, she realized the portions were the ones she would make if Rhodey or Pepper were there. But she had read the effect of the Serum, and a heightened metabolism was one of them. Toni hummed to herself, trying to ground herself as she cracked more eggs and toasted more bread. She placed the finished plates in the oven to keep them warm. 

When that batch was done, she wiped her hands and put them on the counter, pressing the countertop to ease her anxiety. Nervous energy ran through her, making her movements all agitated. 

Steve, no, Captain Rogers, as she really ought to call him, looked surprised when he saw the food. 

“You made breakfast?” He said sitting down with a smile that was; was that mocking?

“Umm, yeah, well I figured you might like some. And I was awake.”

“Guess I didn’t figure Toni Stark for the kind to cook at all. Especially not for other people.”

“Wouldn’t figure Captain America to be someone so impolite,” Toni’s mouth said before her mind caught up.

“Hey, I'm just speaking my mind,” Steve defended putting his hands up. 

“Well, Captain Rogers, umm, do you want to eat this? I could make something else or...”

“I’m not the kind to spit on the things I get. I didn’t have everything given to me.”

“Right, I mean you did have some help, right?”

“I accepted help in order to save my country. And I respect what I have, instead of, say, wasting my good luck on insulting the man who gave it to you, drugs, booze, and weapons you treat as toys.”

“Oh, wow, thanks for that,” Toni shook her head, honestly rather hurt now. Who told him those things? When did he even learn about her? 

Steve prayed before he ate--they both shot judging looks at the other when he raised his head. It was nice that he did eat the food like it was good. Meanwhile, Toni nibbled on her toast, desperately trying to think of anything to say.

“Thank you for the food,” he said, wiping his face. 

“Glad you liked it, Captain Rogers,” Toni said, forcing a smile. 

“I’ll be back here after work, Ms. Toni.”

“Right.”

He walked right out the door like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

“What the fuck just happened, J?”

“You just got in a petty fight with Captain America.”

“Yeah...that’s what I thought.”

“I’m sorry, I doubt that’s how you wanted to go.”

“Well, no. Never meet your heroes.” Or whatever, she thought, slowly sliding to the tiled floor to stare into the abyss for a while.

##  ~~~~~

Specs for the hospital project with Nicolas spun on her tablet next to her and Pep’s Arc Reactor/Green Energy project. She was almost done with the hospital project--most of what was going on was politics and paperwork. 

The other project was her and Pep’s pet project, Stark Tower. And Toni was stuck on it. It had been open on a screen the whole day. 

She glanced around her lab and saw on the wall was Howard’s old blueprint from the Expo. She had never gotten around to taking it down, and the thought of Howard brought back the fact that Steve Roger's things were in her guest room.

“What time is it?” Toni asked, finger clasping around her lockets.

“3:45.”

“What time do you figure he’ll be back?”

“After 5, I would assume.”

“Call Pepper.”

“You working on the Tower?” Pepper asked, eyes on her Stark pad.

“Hello to you too,” Toni drawled.

“Fine, yes, hello Toni,” Pepper sighed, putting the tablet down. 

“You super busy?”

“No, just finished being super busy. Are you busy?” Pepper asked.

“I sent in the final drafts of the camera upgrade for the next phone earlier and have the infrastructure for the hospital project 95% done.”

“That's good, thank you, Toni. I just had to deal with distributors and am very annoyed.”

“It’s all good,” Toni shrugged.

She shifted in her seat, fingers drifting back to her lockets.

“What’s up? You got a stressed face on,” Pepper said, eyebrows creasing. 

“Steve Rogers is in my guest bedroom.”

“What?”

“Well he’s at work but he’s staying there,” Toni explained, like that would actually explain anything. 

“Steve Rogers is dead.”

“Well yeah, we thought he was, but it turns out he was just frozen.”

“Have you been digging in your dad’s files?”

Toni bit her lip, what was that meant to mean? “No, SHIELD was. They worked out the effects of the ocean currents and found the Valkyrie”

“Okay, start from the beginning,” Pepper said, herself now sporting a “stressed” face.

“Nick Fury showed up at my house at, like, 2 am with Steve Rogers and told me to watch him so he could acclimate to not being dead.”

“Are you sure?”

“No, I'm not, I’m just making it up,” Toni snapped, “I don’t know what to do Pep. We got into a dumb argument this morning. I made Captain America hate me. How’d I do that?”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you,” Pepper said slowly, voice quieter.

“He does, I meet the person I've idolized my whole life and I make him hate me. How’d I screw up that bad?”

“Well, you can always apologize and start again.”

“Stop being reasonable,” Toni groaned laying her head on the table.

How could she pretend it was all normal when everything was totally out of the realm of normality? And she hung out with spies and flew around in a tin can, so that was saying something. 

“I’m going to come over, okay?” Pepper said. “Just stay calm.”

“Okay,” Toni said into the table.

“You seem more stressed now,” JAVIS pointed out.

“Gee, thanks, I didn't notice,” Toni griped. 

The energy now jumping around in her made her feel the need to move, really move. To do anything other than sit here while she waited for Pepper to arrive. She got to her room and looked around. Toni pulled the frame with the old Captain America poster off the wall. Part of her wanted to crash it on the ground, but even with her current situation, she didn’t want to mess it up. It was one of only a few things she still had from her childhood. 

Toni jumped on her chair and pulled a box off the shelf and put the poster frame in its place. Toni took the box to her bed, looking at the tiny pile of her history. 

Jarvis’s goodbye letter, her mom’s bracelet, Peggy’s journal, Nicky’s guide book. With a weird sense of loss, she placed the stuffed Bucky bear with them. 

A wave of nostalgia carried her to the lab where she picked up the original reactor and Howard’s VHS. They were placed with reverence in the box. Howard and Yinsen, everyone who shaped her in one place. The manic fear that had raced through her turned to a level of exhaustion. The twist of anxiety stayed, but with the haze that separated her from her body. 

“Do you want to put the box back up?” JAVIS cut in.

“Oh, yeah. You could give me a sec before telling me what to do,” Toni muttered, placing the box over the poster frame.

“You had been standing there for just below five minutes.” 

“Right.”

##  ~~~~~

Toni was cooking dinner, unsure what else she was supposed to do--at least this was semi-normal. Steve would also probably like it, maybe they could make up. 

Pepper walked in, and Toni glanced up, meeting her concerned gaze.

“Hey Toni, you okay?” She asked, eyes slowly searching.

“I told you that Steve Rogers being in my house is kind of a mind fuck.” 

“Right, so Fury brought him to your house.”

“I told you that. And I'm not crazy. I didn’t hallucinate him,” Toni defended.

“I didn’t say you were crazy.”

“Are you telling me it didn’t pass through your head that I'd just lost it?”

“I can assure you, Toni didn’t hallucinate the events,” JARVIS cut in.

“Yeah, I know that. I did think about it, I'll admit it, but no. I am just worried that this will mess with your head,” Pepper said, taking Toni’s hand. 

“Great, your first thought was that I'd gone mad,” Toni grumbled, “You know, Rhodey thought I'd imagined Jarvis was alive when I made JARVIS.”

Pepper just nodded. 

“Want help?” Peper asked.

“You want to cook dinner? Pepper, you’re great at a lot of things but cooking isn’t one of them,” Toni said, taking a bite from the carrots she was chopping.

“I’m capable of helping you.” 

“That’s true,” Toni smiled.

A few minutes of companionable silence passed; Toni could sense tension, but being in each other's presence did diffuse some of the tension between them. Pepper was one of her three favorite humans, and even if she thought Toni was a little loopy, dropping everything to be here made it worth it. 

That precious moment of calm was interrupted by JARVIS’s alarm chirping. 

“Captain Rogers is at the door.”

“Let him in,” Toni answered, heart thrumming faster in her chest. 

The spoon Pepper had been stirring hit the chopping board when she met his expression.

“Good evening, Ms. Toni.”

“Hey, Captain Rogers,” Toni answered, gripping the counter in her hands. 

“Oh, hello Ma’am, I don’t think we've met. I'm Captain Rogers,” Steve paused, holding out his hand

“Wow,” Pepper gasped, shaking his hand a bit in a trance. She shook her head. “I’m Pepper Potts.”

“You run Stark’s company right?” Seve asked.

“Yes, I’m CEO.”

A tight moment of awkward tension fell over the room when Peper stared at Steve with an intensity that should frighten anyone. Toni watched her posture change to the type she held with SHIELD or the Board.

“Look, whatever game Fury is trying to play with Toni, I'm not going to let you do it,” Pepper stated, crossing her arms.

“I’m not playing any games,” Steve said, bringing his hands up and stepping back. 

“Look, I don't understand what's going on here, but just let your boss know I'm not letting him mess with us like this.”

“Pepper, calm down,” Toni took her hand, “Fury sent him to live here because I know about SHIELD, and because he was friends with my father and aunt.”

Pepper raised her eyebrow showing she wasn’t ready to believe yet.

“You don't think Fury would lie to you?” 

“I appreciate your pessimism and distrust but I know this is real, JARVIS checked as well,” Toni said.

Pepper shot Steve, what Toni was pretty sure must have been a death glare as Steve shifted on his feet, but turned back to the stove. 

“Well anyway, ah, we’re making dinner. The lasagna has to finish cooking but then you can eat with us.”

“Thanks, Ms. Toni,” Steve nodded and left.

“Well thanks, Pep, now he’s gonna hate me even more,” Toni pouted when he was out of earshot.

“I don’t trust this, because I don’t trust Fury. He's done some nice things, sure, but he’s hurt you,” Pepper said icily. 

“Can you be polite at least? Even if you're right, playing along is really the best option,” Toni said, putting the salad on the table. “J., back me up here.”

“I can’t confirm or deny the intentions of Director Fury, but all tests show this is the real Steven Grant Rogers.”

Toni nodded her head, with a placating smile. 

“Yeah, sure,” Pepper glanced down at her phone, and her facial expression shifted, eyes lighting up. “Well, I personally have things to do.”

“What, you seem happy? Texts never make you happy,” Toni tried to look over the taller woman's shoulder. 

“You know Nicolas?”

“Course I do,” Toni rocked back on her heels.

“Well you didn’t want to hit that, so I am instead,” Pepper flushed bright red, but smiled.

“Good for you. I mean I have a legendary soldier in my bathroom but...” 

“Yeah, honestly, with how dramatic our lives are I'd take the hot French genius over the undead super soldier.”

“I get that. And I mean it. Have a good time,” Toni was surprised, and glad that she really did mean it. Being legitimately not hung up on her crush was nice.

“Call me if he turns into a robot or tries to mindjack you or something.”

“Got it, boss,” Toni said with a two-finger salute.

Pepper rolled her eyes but left the house, grabbing her purse. 

Getting the food finished and on the table took up enough time that it was a showered, redressed, and slightly bored super-soldier who wandered over to the table.

“M. Potts is gone?” he asked, sitting down. 

“She had a date,” Toni explained sitting opposite him. 

“That’s nice...She doesn't like me, does she?” 

“She doesn’t trust you. There is a difference.”

“What did I ever do to her?” he said, putting his fork through the pasta hard enough it clanged against the dish. Toni held the counter to keep her nerves straight.

“It’s just that someone thought to be dead for sixty-odd years being alive is kind of suspicious. And SHIELD is a spy organization; deception is part of the package deal,” Toni explained with feigned nonchalance. 

“I’ll admit that is pretty sound logic,” Steve said ruefully.

Toni ate her food, glancing up to gauge Steve’s expression. He seemed to like the food but was definitely uncomfortable. He wasn’t angry anymore, or didn’t seem to be. She was usually good with body language--she saw through Natasha--but she was unnerved by Steve, meaning her reading could be off. 

She needed to say something, staring at him wasn’t going to solve anything. 

“Do you like the food?”

“I’ve had SHIELD food and army rations for months, so this takes like heaven,” Steve commented.

Toni smiled, “I’ll make you this cinnamon bread for breakfast, Mama Rhodes gave me the recipe years ago for Ana to make. She was amazing already, but even she was impressed by how good the bread was. I’ve tried it myself, never got it as good as either of ‘em. It’s one of the best things I've ever eaten,” Toni rambled. 

“Sounds nice. Rhodes, like Master Sergeant Rhodes, the War Machine?”

“Yes, I call him Rhodey. Mama Rhodes is his mom.”

“Ana, is that your mother?” Steve asked, his gaze, meeting hers with intensity.

“Oh no, Maria, that's my mom’s name. Ana Jarvis, she was the wife of our butler, and my friend as a kid,” Toni explained, fingers finding her lockets. 

“Oh,” Steve looked disappointed. That was weird.

“So what’s worse, SHIELD food or A-rations?”

“About the same, but SHIELD has no excuse. They at least have access to consistent refrigeration.”

They both grinned for a minute before looking away.

Steve stared into his food, eyes glazing over. Toni’s fidgeting grew more intense and she looked down. Her mind was dragged back to eating Ana’s cake with them in her room. Steve Rogers, real and imagined, cluttering her view. She ought to call Ana, they exchanged cards and things but didn’t talk much, and she was really old now...

“Thank you, Ms. Toni,” Steve stood, wiping his mouth.

“Of course, Captain Rogers,” Toni said, looking from the crack in her plate up to his back. An urge to tell him to stop surged through her, but she had no idea what to say. 

He was three feet and sixty-six years away, and she didn’t own a time machine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO Thoughts :)


	20. Three Feet & Sixty Years Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Disordered eating
> 
> [Youtube Playlist ](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> 59-61  
> [Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)  
> 

Five days of Steve Rogers living in her house and Toni was annoyed. Toni ruefully mused on her way to SI that her situation was hilariously domestic and boring. Toni made meals and kept the house clean, with minimal conversation with Steve. And all Steve did was eat meals, go to work and work on his SHIELD computer, and then go to sleep. 

Two people living their lives because of some deal made years ago and because it’s convenient, but only talking when necessary. I mean, she hadn’t even married him yet! Not to mention he’s Captain fucking America and she was Iron Queen--they really ought to have better conversations than about the weather and the milage in her car. 

After two incredibly long meetings and finalizing the paperwork for the hospital project she was sitting across from Pepper.

“Pepper, what am I going to do with Steve Rogers?” Toni mumbled, leaning into her hand.

“Why, what’s he up to?” 

“Nothing, I mean it’s so boring!”

“You have to tell me how you managed to make a dead superhero living in your guest room boring because that should be impossible.”

“I know, but it’s true.”

“Give me an example?” Pepper leaned back in her chair, assessing Toni

"Okay, this was our conversation this morning:" Toni said, playing out their morning routine.

“‘Good morning, what's for breakfast Toni?’

‘Oh I made eggs, and we have bread, Captain Rogers’

‘That’s nice. Fury wants me late tonight.’

‘Oh, what for?’

‘Testing me on my recent training, still making sure my brain's thawed.’

‘Oh, yeah, Fury is particular about that kind of thing.’

'I have to leave.’

Then all that happens is he leaves.”

“What about at night, you have more time then, don't you?” Pepper asked. 

Toni huffed but got back into character.

“'I’m back.'

'How was work?'

'Ya know, they're still trying to teach me to use their tech.'

'That’s nice, anything cool?'

'No, just computers and guns, nothing special.'

'Oh, well, do you like working with-'

'Look, I’m just tired.'”

“Wow, yeah, that sounds boring,” Pepper said, eyes dancing over a barely concealed smile

Toni let out an exasperated sigh, “At dinner Pep, we talked about the detergent I have in my house and I swear to god he said, “unseasonably warm weather we’re having” it’s so cliche.”

“I’m so sorry that is the worst small talk.”

“I know!’ Toni threw her hand in the air, 

“I would think superhero small talk could at least be better than office talk.”

“Something has to change or I will die of monotony.”

“Maybe it’s just weird for him being in the future? Try doing something with him that's not too new, but is modern and isn’t SHIELD junk.”

“What?”

“Well you're the expert, what does he like?”   
“I don’t know.” Toni groaned laying her head down

“What has he been doing besides commenting on our temperatures?”   
“Hold up in his room. JARVIS? What has Steve been doing?”

Toni said into the glass of Pepper’s desk

The mobile JARVIS unit glowed into action, “Captain Rogers has spent his time exercising and using his SHIELD tablet to read manuals and a few books they have as an option. Have used the radio to listen to baseball and oldies music channels. Aside from getting ready, showering....”

“Got it J.,” Toni said pulling he head from the table

“Well, it sounds like he needs some fun.” Pepper suggested 

“I should make sure he knows JARVIS can play movies and stuff. I guess I don't have a remote so he probably doesn't know how to use the TV”

“Yeah, most people don’t have a smart house.”

Toni nodded, “Also we should get him a Stark Pad and a laptop make sure he has access to anything not work-related.” 

“You also know spy and military jargon engage him with stuff he understands; don't go all futurist or nerd on him.”

“Got it Pep”

##  ~~~~~

A tablet, laptop, a print out of JARVIS functions, and a beat-up leather book sat on the coffee table. The pizza was in the oven staying warm and she had beer as well as soda. Her fingers on her arc reactor beat out a staccato accompanied by her feet as she waited on the table. Waiting for him to come in, she had set JARVIS to let him in whenever he wanted instead of having to wait to be let in. Make him feel more like this was his house too.

Toni was as casual as she could be, Rhodey’s Air Force sweatshirt and pajama pants paired with letting her hair stay a bit messy. hoping that would break down the barriers of formality a bit. Not sure if that was the right tact or not, but being completely cold and formal in her own house was a shitty proposition. 

She was a bit tired digging around in Howard’s shit for the photo album but it was a good mix of pictures. They were candids showing them drinking alcohol, after losing, in secret areas and the like. Peggy even looked slightly not-put together in one. Toni wondered who had taken them but she liked them and hoped Steve would too. 

“Good Evening Ms. Toni.” Steve greeted.    
“Hello Captain Rogers”

Steve came in and paused, “That’s pizza?”

“Oh yeah, I ordered some, it’s staying warm in the oven,” Toni explained looking over the back of the couch.

“What are you doing?” Steve asked, looking at the carefully laid out table.

“I wanted to give you something.” Toni explained, “Come sit?”

“Alright” he sat roughly down putting his backpack by the edge

“So I know you’ve not been having any fun, so I thought I would like to fix that.”

“With a computer?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Well, the tablet you have is a SHIELD issue meaning it does nothing and is kinda lame. They won’t use Stark Pads, but anyway I wanted to give you one of ours. So you can read anything you want to play games or whatever, laptop for the same reason.”

“Well, thanks.”

“But that’s not all” Toni passed him the printout, “This has some explanations for JARVIS. You’ve not been using him to his potential, basically, he’s linked to both of those and the TV in your room and can play music or whatever. ”

“You think I couldn’t figure it out?” Steve looked up from the stapled papers.

“No, it’s that you are from the 40s and even in modern times people don’t have their own JARVIS. AI is way off and most voice and smart house tech are worlds away from him. Google is doing voice searches but nothing like this, Pep, Hap Rhodey, and I are the only ones who use him normally. Hell Wakanda doesn’t have a JARVIS and SHIELD hasn’t been able to work him out.”

“I get he’s just so special. The best computer voice ever” Steve muttered leaning back disdainfully

“I am entirely unique and Ms. Toni invented me 8 years ago. I _ am  _ very special” JARVIS shot back as smug as a computer could be. 

Toni smiled, “He’s not just a computer he’s more than that, JARVIS is incredibly helpful.”

“So you and the computer have an Ego,” Steve said but his lip quirked up giving off some hope he might not be truly angry. 

“Well true but not the point. My point is that you can’t just stay hidden in your room reading SHIELD manuals, that’s boring as all hell.”

“You want the freeze-dried super soldier to be more interesting?” Steve said, definitely smiling now. 

“Look I’m not trying to judge but yes. We talk about the weather, are you doing any better with your new SHIELD buddies?”   
“We’re not buddies. The other agents at SHIELD talk to me about work like you do at work.”   
“I know I've never ‘worked’ per se. But I know for a fact even agents talk about other things. I mean I have met a few.”

“Yeah, how many?”   
“Fury, Agent-Agent, a few from working with SI oh and of course Peggy.” Toni counted on her fingers.

They both froze, for a second. Guilt shot through her on bringing up Peggy, and just sadness in both of them she bet. Wordlessly Toni placed the leather-bound album in Steve’s hands. 

He opened it and flipped through on autopilot. A long minute passed of Toni staring at the ground and the sound of flipping through the same pages back and forth. 

“Where did you get this?”

“It was Howard’s.” 

“Were they happy?”

“Huh?”

“Then were they happy?” Red rimmed eyes searched wildly for hers grabbing her arm. 

“Oh, Peggy is.” Ton said, “ I mean not about being sick but she had a good life. Sousa was a nice man and she had a big family.” 

“Wait she’s alive? SHIELD told me she was dead.”

“No, she’s really sick but alive.” Toni placed her hand on his shoulder.

“Oh god, Peggy.” He laid his head in her hands.

“She said you were the bravest man she ever met,” Toni said in what he hoped was comfort.

He looked up, “What about Howard?”

“Oh, ahh.” Toni paused but then admitted, “ I don't know.” 

“You don’t know?” 

“Yeah I’m sorry”

“He was your father.” Steve’s voice was laced with distaste

“I’m aware of that. I’m sorry I can’t give you more” 

“You look a lot like him, did you know that?” Steve ran his hand across his mouth.

“I’ve been told,” Toni muttered.

Toni let her hand drop from his shoulder laying her chin in her palm and leaning on the couch. Words were so hard right now, talking about the past. Talking about Howard, being reminded of how like him she could be, and how unlike she hoped she was. 

“I mean a lot like him except...”

“The boobs?” Toni interjects with a smirk. 

Steve blushed, “Ah no I was going to say the skin color, but you're right about the ... uh figure.”

Toni snorted, “Come on soldier I’ve seen pin-up girls don’t be shy”

He reddened further and Toni laughed, “But yeah you’re right my mom was El Salvadorian, so I got that from her. But besides that and the aforementioned part about being a woman, everything is pretty much Howard.”

“The eyes and hair that’s where I really see it”

Steve leaned back letting out a breath, shoulders visibly relaxing, Toni matched his posture not wanting him to calm up again. Then it hit her that she was as much a reminder of what Steve had lost as what had been done to him god where they fucked. But she really should get away from this topic, that was enough Howard talk for now.

“Pizza?” Toni suggested.

“Why not”

Toni put it on the coffee table and brought the beer and soda. She sat down cracking the can while Steve took a bite of the pizza.

“So how’s it?”

“Well I’m a Brooklyn Boy so I can't say I'm for this west coast nonsense but not bad.” 

“I’m not a huge pizza person, but I would say New York’s is better.” 

“Where'd you get that sweatshirt? You're not Airforce” Steve asked, gesturing with his pizza filled hand to Toni's chest.

“This is Rhodey’s. He gave it to me so I don't wear out the one I stole in college.”

“You two are close then?”

“Yeah we lived together for a few years in college, he’s deployed right now but you’ll meet him. He’ll flip as a military brat he heard stories about you just like I did.” Toni smiled at the thought of Rhodey seeing Captain America.

“Were you to, seeing each other in the romantic sense?” Steve asked awkwardly. 

“Oh no we never did anything like that he’s like my big brother.”

“How’d you get a decorated pilot to fly around in something called War Machine. I saw his record in the War Machine file. He's explempary.”

“You don’t know Rhodey. He was obsessed with being like Maverick. I built him a War Machine as a present, Ace pilot but I could get him an X-Wing or a mech suit he'd take those too. “

“I understood about a third of that. Mostly I want to understand what cows have to do with flying a plane?”

“Cows” Toni echoed back confused. 

“Maverick is a cowboy,” Steve explained equally as confused. 

“He’s a movie character, And this is why you need a pop culture education.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “ I don’t think knowing who Maveric is or what an x-thing is will make or break my career.”

“X-wing and sure maybe not. But I promise you pop culture trivia does matter, I could teach you.”

“When in my life is any of that going to matter, if you want to teach me something have it be useful.”

They ate in less awkward silence than previous nights, but tension still hung in the air.

“Well, thanks for the pizza and beer Ms. Toni I’m gonna go to bed, try your tablet for books.” He picked up the tablet waving it, his other hand was white-knuckling the photo album.

“Call me Toni, Only JARVIS calls me that, and Ms. Stark would be way too formal”

“Then you can call me Steve, I mean talk about formality, Captain Rogers?”

“Sorry I was just thinking about how my dad would kill me if I called you Steve.” Toni shrugged with a smile.

“Good night, Toni”

“You too Steve.”

Toni stared at the table only the laptop of her gifts was left. In the moment of released social tension, the smell of grease leftover from the pizza hit her nose. A wave of nausea ran through her, god she hated pizza. So greasy, but it had made Steve calm down and give them a bonding experience. And she really had to make Steve comfortable and happy he deserved it. 

But oh man did it make her want to vomit and not eat for a few days, god so much fat. Wait, okay Toni don't go there, you can’t go there Toni told herself. You can seriously think about making yourself throw up, you can’t not right now. 

Steve treated you like a person today and you only minimally insulted him. You did so well, she could not just let this fall apart. A glimmer of a chance to pretend to be normal for Steve Rogers, her hero. He might think she was worthy of being friends with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Updated! Love comments so keep those coming, tell me all the thoughts.


	21. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: past emotional abuse  
> Songs: 62 & 63  
> [Youtube Playlist>](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)

Toni was about to walk out the door, probably about to be late for her early meeting to announce the finalization of the hospital project. She had an English muffin in her mouth and one heel on when she was interrupted by JARVIS

“Happy Hogan is here.”

“Let him in,” Toni muttered, hopping to her other foot. 

Her already precarious balance was totally screwed when two men decided to talk at the same time, and she toppled over awkwardly. 

“Toni, Pepper sent me to ensure you are getting ready,” Happy called, walking through the door.

“You ought to eat breakfast, not inhale it,” Steve said.

“Stop judging my life choices!” Toni shouted, righting herself and rubbing her now-aching shoulder. 

“Well, that’s unexpected,” Happy grumbled. 

Toni followed his eye line to Steve.

“Uh. Hello. I’m Captain Rogers--and you are?’ Steve stood, rubbing his hands on his legs before putting one out to shake.

“Harold Hogan, but Toni got everyone to call me Happy.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Happy turned to Toni. “Is he really Steve Rogers?”

Toni nodded, “Yup.”

“Well, guess that’s where we are now. We do have to go because I'm not sure even Captain America will be a good enough excuse for Pepper.” Happy said, turning to leave the house. 

“Not when she’s working to impress the board and her new bf. See you later Steve,” Toni called behind her. 

“See you later Toni,” Steve waved, returning to his food. 

Arriving on time, dressed, and ready was a rare occurrence for Toni Stark, but she managed it, and the other people who had worked on the project were able to present to many oohs and ahhs making Pepper and Nicolas all very excited. A good win.

##  ~~~~~

After getting home, Toni saw Steve looking at his Stark Pad. 

“You’re home early,” Toni said, dropping her purse on the counter.

“Everyone was on some mission or another. And I'm not mission ready,” Steve said, miming air quotes around the words “mission ready”.

Toni flopped next to him, pulling her heels off. “Well, it’s better than being thrown somewhere and being completely unprepared.”

“From what I understand, all you do is throw yourself into situations you aren’t prepared for. And you blew up both Malibu and New York.”

“Hey, I didn’t start those fights,” Toni grumbled, not sure if she should be offended or not yet.

“But they were haphazard. I don’t think you’ve ever had a plan.”

“Well, no, I don’t generally have plans, but you can’t ever be prepared for being attacked by mech suits or robots. And technically I did make a plan to destroy weapons caches, and you went in on plenty of missions without being totally prepared, so there,” Toni challenged.

“I’m a soldier, at least I had the training, and once I had my team we did plan what we were going to do. I am prepared, SHIELD just doesn't know what to do with me. Being sidelined has nothing to do with my abilities. ”

“If waiting around’s got you so upset, you could quit,” Toni shrugged. “If you hate it so much, why do it?”

“I don’t just quit on things, Toni. I have loyalty; SHIELD saved my life, gave me a job. Not to mention I swore to protect this country, and that still matters to me. ”

Now she was offended. “Steve, I get that it matters-”

“You insulted patriotism on live television. Not to mention insulting the Senate in front of everyone-- if you have issues with people, take it to them,” Steve huffed.

“Okay, technically I criticized getting involved in war and was mad about them dragging me up there just because I mentioned my father in a semi-negative light.” 

“Why would you do that, anyway? Howard was a good man and as they said, he’s why you have any of this. How do you have the right to talk badly about him?” Steve snapped.

Toni set her teeth, feeling them grind against each other. Her nails dug into her palms, acid brimming in her throat. Why did he have to do this? Images of Howard ranting about Steve and the good old days, leaving her and Maria wondering; what was going to happen, what did they do wrong? The scenes soaked in the smell of alcohol and smoke. 

“I made a mistake.” Toni hesitated; de-escalation was not her strong suit.“But I do think if they don’t trust you yet, you or someone else could get hurt. ”

Steve stared at her without speaking, it was weird. Had he expected her to keep picking a fight? Did he really think that she was always that way? She was stubborn, sure, but she didn’t pursue pointless fights--Toni didn’t actually like fighting, it set her on edge.

“I’m going to get changed,” Toni sighed, going to her room and putting on some normal clothes. She could cook dinner and try and get Steve to be her friend, but if he was determined to be a jerk then she could hole up with her Bots. 

Spending the night being judged about her loyalty did not sound nice. She was loyal. It's not her fault everyone she gave her loyalty to but Rhodey, Hap, and Pepper had betrayed her. Or at the very least didn’t trust her. If you said Toni was inconsistent or flighty then maybe; her own shit always got in the way of her friends, but it wasn’t like she bailed on them when it mattered. Really, it was unfair to say that after he only watched a few interviews with biased interviewers. 

Not to mention that pointing at all of her deficiencies was too familiar, but she could be overreacting. Was she? Toni felt like her brain was tied in knots. 

Steve was in his room so she didn’t have to deal with him for a little while. The kitchen was kind of a mess, cleaning up properly would have to come before the Bots--ugh, gross, when did she start being responsible?

Well, that was actually easy to answer. Toni had wanted to be someone Rhodey and Pepper could be proud of. Peggy, Yinsen, and both Jarvises as well. And her therapist had said clean houses were good for making anxiety and depression less overwhelming. While clean floors had yet to make her not feel hopeless and have panic attacks, well, it felt better to zone out for a few hours by a clean table rather than a sticky one. 

Toni hummed while cooking; JARVIS was reading off the recipe for Pupusas with vegetable filling. Making something from the heritage she never got to know seemed like a good idea. Take that, Howard. Focusing on making something got her mind out of that spiral, and by the time it was finished the idea that this could easily be talked about seemed possible. Hey, she was finally giving herself very good advice (and following it)--imagine that, talking about your problems instead of ignoring them!

“Call Steve for dinner?” Toni asked JARVIS as she served herself and Steve on the breakfast bar. 

Steve asked, taking up his fork, “What is this?”

“It’s Pupusas: its cornflour cooked on the stove, and sauteed vegetables with refried beans,” Toni explained.

An uncomfortable silence fell over them, only broken by the sounds of silverware scraping on plates, and cups hitting the counter. 

“This is good, I'd never heard of it before,” Steve said breaking the trance as he served himself more.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Toni nodded.

“I didn’t mean to upset you that much,” Steve admitted.

“Huh?” Toni looked up to him, tilting her head.

“I was harsh earlier. I was judging based on the news stories and some SHIELD files.”

“Yeah, the media isn’t very honest. Or fair.”

“It seems that hasn’t changed since the 40s.”

“Nope, not at all,” Toni smiled ruefully.

“And bringing up your dad was unfair, I know you lost him and grief is a hell of a thing,” Steve commented wistfully. 

“Right,” Toni looked out the window. Well, since Steve was giving her a good enough excuse to avoid it… She cleared her throat. “What did my SHIElD file say?”

“It talked about what they know of the Iron Queen machine, that you likely possess unknown tech and resources essentially unlimited, all of which bothers them. Your personal profile saying you're volatile and can be self-absorbed. You rejected the offer to work with SHIELD, you don’t play well with others, but you stick to your guns and aren’t a present danger to others. Monitoring was suggested but there was no present need to intervene,” Steve explained.

“That’s boring, I already knew that,” Toni wrinkled her nose.

“Well, what would be interesting?”

“I’ve known some SHIELD agents since I was a kid, I knew the creators. They’ve been following me for years. You’d think they’d have something interesting to say. There should be something more mean or there should at least be some salacious details.” 

“No details, I'd remember that.”

Toni raised her eyebrows but then slid off the chair. “If you’re done, I have stuff to do. I need to clean this kitchen, and then probably my lab.”

“You don’t have a maid?” Steve asked.

“That would mean letting someone in my house. People aren’t allowed in my house without me knowing them and trusting them, so no way,” Toni shook her head. 

“You let me in your house, you just met me.”

“Guess we’ll find out if I’m a good judge of character or not. Now, are you done eating?”

“Yeah, I'm done.”

“Then go away, I have to clean,” Toni shooed Steve out of the kitchen. 

Toni did, in fact, clean the kitchen while Steve was in the living room--the atmosphere was strangely tense till she left. Picking up the lab was much better. The Bots had been very excited about no longer having to maneuver around spare parts to get around. 

Standing in a newly clean lab, bobbing her head to the music, made the prospect of having to deal with Steve upstairs in order to clean the living room seem absolutely harrowing in comparison. She rubbed Fido’s head as he jumped around her feet sitting on the floor, Dum-E joining them. 

“I could live down here,” Toni told Dummy. “I have Gatorade, beer, blueberries, and protein bars, that should last me a while.” 

Dummy beeped and whirred, letting her know that right now, she was being the dumb one. “Stupid robots judging me. I’ll have you know that I’m the one who oils your wheels.” 

“Mr. Rogers is attempting to do the laundry.” 

“He knows how,” Toni grumped. “Don’t distract me from sulking.”

“I'll rephrase: he is attempting to do  _ your _ laundry.”

“Uugh.” Toni got to her feet, clomping up the stairs and coming up behind Steve. This stupid man was throwing clothes that had to air dry into the dryer like dude lace will tear. Not to mention she wasn’t entirely comfortable with him touching her clothes.

“What are you doing?”

Steve jumped startled, “I’m washing the clothes!”

“Okay, then, why are you washing these clothes?” Toni sighed.

“They’re dirty?”

“You’re making me be specific, huh? Fine. Why are you messing with my stuff? I don’t think you know how to wash anything that isn’t fatigues and khakis,” Toni grabbed the basket with her clothes.

“I know not to put red with white!”

“Impressive, I did actually have to ask about that in college. But like I have sequins and bras so stick to your stuff, please?” Toni pinched the bridge of her nose.

“You okay?”

“Yes, I'm okay, but you’d think traveling with chorus girls, you could have picked up a thing or two,” Toni grumbled, closing the doors to the washing room. “I’ve got it, I'll fix it tomorrow. Don’t worry about it. I have laundry covered from now on, hell I'll do yours, just don’t touch my clothes.”

Toni went to the Living Room, sitting on the couch, and putting her face in her hands. Why was everything so weird, like she got an undead guy and he was for sure hot, but they were fighting about laundry. I mean, holy hell, at least Buffy fought Angel over cool things like demons.

“Sorry, I didn't know it mattered that much.”

“It’s alright, I’m five by five.”

“Does that mean you’re fine?”

“And that's why you need to watch more TV,” Toni said wryly.

“Okay, what TV show is that from?”

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Though you have to get a bit into that show for the reference to make sense.”

“Is that on my pop culture education list?”

“It would be, yeah. Buffy’s a great real badass, and really funny.”

“What else would be on the list?”

Toni turned to look at him, but he didn’t look like he was mocking her. “You serious?”

“I’m staying in your house, you cook food, clean stuff, and do the laundry, so I might as well watch movies,” Steve shrugged.

“Yes, okay, give me a minute I have to make a list. It’ll probably take a bit.”

Toni pulled up a screen listing movies that were needed to get pop culture jokes and references, and some that she just really liked. IMDB also had “Most Quoted” movie lists, so that helped, too. A TV show list would be good too. There was a surprising amount of Disney on her liked-movies list. Some could probably be excluded from Steve’s pop culture education list, but damn he had to see all her favorites.

“You done yet?” Steve cut into her disjointed reverie. 

“I can be. Here’s your list,” Toni swiped the list over to Steve who looked momentarily surprised. 

“Is your coffee table always a computer?”

“I can make holograms almost everywhere. Part of why people can’t just come in here. Anyway, not the point, read the list.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feed the author comments! Wee need them to survive


	22. Give This a Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: dementia, nightmares, minor violence, alcohol  
> songs 64-66  
> [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)  
> [Youtube Playlist ](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)

Toni heard screaming and jumped out of bed--there was a loud crash, the sound of breaking glass--od, what the hell was going on?

But no time to think--she stood and slid on an Iron Queen gauntlet. She burst into the living room and just saw Steve panting on the floor, the pieces of a broken object surrounding him and a cracked window behind him. 

“What the hell?” she muttered.

Steve just stared, but his body language clued Toni into what was up. His eyes were not really seeing her or her house, they were in another place and time. She yanked off her gauntlet and walked forward.

Kneeling down in front of Steve she put her hands up, “Steve it’s Toni, you’re okay, you’re in my house.”

Steve’s eyes seemed to meet hers now, good he’s closer to the present.

“Breathe with me okay, it’s alright.” Toni exaggeratedly showed calming breathing, “In six, hold it in, out eight.”

Steve mimicked her and slowly calmed down. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Steve muttered, sitting back against the wall.

“Nightmares or flashbacks, it’s okay. I’m not mad,” Toni shrugged, offering him her hand. His overly harsh grip pulled her down more than her helping him up. Somehow they stumbled to the couch, carefully avoiding the cracked glass of the table. 

“Ms. Toni, I would recommend a warm drink and a blanket,” JARVIS informed them. 

Toni nodded. “I’ll be right back, Steve.”

She grabbed the blanket Steve had thrown and the warm tea JARVIS had started. Rushing back, she placed the warm mug in Steve’s slightly trembling grasp. Steam filled Steve’s nose and the shaking slowly dissipated. 

“You feel better now?” Toni asked.

“Yeah, thanks Toni,” Steve answered with a nod, taking in an even breath.

“No problem, though, you're gonna be fixing that cracked window,” Toni said, trying to add some levity. 

“I can do that. And again, I have no idea what happened.”

“As a friend once told me, ‘you just got a bit of shell shock.’ It’ll be okay--well it’s gonna suck majorly, but you’re strong.” 

“Thanks, still sorry I messed up your stuff.”

“I blew up half my own lab once, this is nothing. It gave DUM-E a bit of a complex though.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I was building something and it went wrong. But it’s okay, I’ve fixed it all up by now.”

“I’ve not seen your lab.”

“Do you wanna see it? You’ve not met the bots yet, and they’d like that. It will be a good distraction too.” Toni stood. “Keep the blanket on, you’re still shaking.”

Putting on a show was Toni's speciality, and JARVIS knew it. When they entered the room all of her displays lit up. The lights caused the construction arms and her armours to gleam. Steve let out a low whistle, gazing around him. Beeps and whirs filled the room as her bots greeted her. Once they spied Steve in the doorway, holding his blanket as a cloak, an investigation ensued. 

“Meet the bots; butterfingers is the youngest, he has the hand looking manipulators; DUM-E is my oldest, he has the one arm; and U is the middle kid, and the middle height. And then Fido is the dog,” Toni explained, sitting backwards on the table. 

“Hey,” Steve said, extracting himself from the bot huddle with an awkward pet to Butterfingers’ head. 

“Give him some space, you're gonna wig him out,” Toni waved at the bots. 

Steve plopped on the overstuffed couch. “Those are Iron Queen,” he said, gesturing to the wall. 

“Yup, those are it. You’ll see them in action one day, hopefully, just so I can show off.”

After a while of Toni playing tour guide to the lab, they had to go back to real life. Steve cleaned up while Toni cooked breakfast.

“Steve, just so you know, if you wanna talk about your nightmare, I'll listen,” Toni said.

“You don’t want to know,” Steve said, taking a large bite of an omelette.

“Well, I don’t know about wanting to hear what scares you that much, but I do wanna like, ya know, support you.”

“Fighting the Hydra soldiers, Red Skull, Zemo, the usual. Just got to me bad and didn’t stop when I woke up, ” Steve explained, his voice dropping a few decibels towards the end. 

“That sucks,” Toni said, knowing it sounded lame. Rhodey was better at this stuff. 

“Yeah, it does.”

Toni drummed on the table. “So did SHIELD ever give your stuff back?”

“I have my dog tags and my compass, which no longer works--waterlogged.”

“Well that’s good, at least they didn’t steal stuff off your body while you were passed out. But I meant the stuff from your barracks and...from your mom’s house.”

“No, they did not.”

“I’ll see what I can do about that. Have you met an Agent Coulson?”

“Ah no, why?”

“If we asked, he could definitely fish it out. Some got into the Smithsonian but nothing major, mostly clothes, fake versions of most of it. But they had some dignity about it, only taking what the Commandos were willing to give.”

“Sometimes I feel like you know more about my life than I do. At least you’re better about not hiding things from me, honestly. But I can't pretend I don't understand why they have a protocol. The agents are still worried I might have a frostbitten brain.”

Toni remembered the vial locked in the old basement, and her fingers slid to her lockets. Toni ought to give it to him, actually be honest with him. But she couldn’t, not when he was more loyal to SHIELDthan her. “That’s annoying behaviour, and, for what it’s worth, I don't think you’re freezer burned. I gotta go to work. See ya.” 

She swallowed the last of her breakfast and got dressed, running out of the house and avoiding Steve the whole time. 

On the drive home from a day of being utterly distracted, Toni was feeling guilty. A pit in her stomach wouldn’t let her move on. She needed to make it up to Steve for lying to him, even if he didn’t know about it. On the subject of keeping stuff from him, SHIELD had lied about Peggy. Seeing her might hurt, for both of them, but it would be worth it. Give him closure, a luxury he didn’t have for the rest of his past.

##  ~~~~~

“Have you seen Peggy yet?” Toni asked.

“No. I don't know where she is, and doubt they would let me in just because I look like somebody that she used to know. They think I'm dead,” Steve scoffed bitterly. 

“No, but they’d let me in. I can take you if you want,” Toni offered.

“I do,” he agreed.

The drive there was tense, but at least it was quiet. Talking about what they were doing would be way worse. Pretending everything was okay would be torture. 

The desk attendant gave them a sad smile. 

“She is awake right now.” 

“Thank you,” Toni responded with a nod. 

The clerk slowly pushed the door open, revealing Peggy laying propped up in bed. 

Her eyes had a slight spark in them when she saw Steve. 

“Hello, Steve,” Peggy said with a smile.

“Hey Peg,” Steve answered, rushing to sit next to her.

Toni awkwardly hung by the door, feeling like an intruder on something private.

“Have I died?” Peggy asked.

“No, no you haven’t. I came back from the dead.”

“That crazy SOB was right.” 

“Sorry?”

“Howard was right, he always looked for you. Thought you had to be alive, was always rambling on about Erskine’s notes.”

“Yeah, guess he was right.”

“Who did you bring with you? If I'm meant to know you, I don’t.” 

Steve went to open his mouth but Toni cut in, “I’m just a friend, I work with SHIELD.”

“They give you a babysitter?” Peggy asked, directing it at Steve.

“Guess so, but she ain’t so bad,” Steve looked back at Toni with a wink.

“Oh, I see.” Peggy gave a knowing smile that made Toni take a breath. She looked so much like the proper Peggy. A woman who always knew more than everyone and wasn’t afraid to show it. 

“No, gosh no,” Steve shook his head.

“Hmm maybe, but don’t count it out, Steve. Have a life, I made my choices.” Peggy took his hand in hers, staring into his eyes. 

“Yeah okay, okay,” Steve kissed her hand, his voice cracking. 

“I need to rest,” Peggy said, closing her eyes. 

Toni saw Steve’s body convulse and she could tell he was about to fall apart. Before they made a scene she leaned forward and laid a hand on his shoulder. 

“Let's go okay?” Toni whispered.

Steve led her out. His pace was fast and she had to move double-time to keep up. Damn him for being almost a foot taller than her. 

They got to the car, and Steve yanked the driver’s side door open. Toni quickly got on the other side getting the keys from her purse and handing them over before he could realise he didn’t have them. Steve seemed a moment from exploding and Toni wasn’t sure what that looked like. Home was a much better place to find out then the parking lot of a nursing home. 

Driving back, Toni avoided setting him off by staring at the double yellow lines rushing past. 

“Why didn’t you let me tell her who you are?” Steve asked a few minutes down the road.

“It would cause her stress to know she couldn’t remember,” Toni explained.

“She knew me.”

“I think you’ll be the last thing she remembers. But it’s okay, at least she was with it for a bit and in the present. Last time she thought I was my mother, though I did get some insight into their relationship."

“How can you say that?” Steve shouted.

“What?” Toni jumped in her seat feeling her heart rate pick up.

“You’re talking about it like it’s one of your experiments or movies.”

“I didn’t mean that I love her very much. I wanted to be her growing up. But I can’t let it kill me every time. I’m sorry,” Toni murmured.

“Sorry for shouting,” Steve said, voice matching her exhaustion. Toni noticed his hands were bending her steering wheel. 

Getting into the house Toni grabbed a decanter from her cart and poured it out. Drinking with one hand, she held the bottle up to Steve, who shook his head. 

“Wouldn’t do anything anyway,” Steve said wearily.

“Right, sorry,” Toni muttered. Putting it down, she finished her first glass then left it. Drinking by herself seemed too depressing, especially when Steve was the one hurting. 

“I’m gonna get changed, then we can watch a movie, listen to music, whatever you want,” Toni said.

“I want food,” Steve declared.

“Chinese food good? I’ve had a standing tab with this one place since Afghanistan, they’re lovely. It’s my favourite bad day food.”

“Sounds great,” Steve nodded with a sad smile. 

They sat watching the next movie on their movie list, which was 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

“This is the most nonsensical sci-fi ever.”

“Well, I love nonsensical sci-fi. I spent a lot of time watching movies, even before JARVIS Howard had the biggest movie collections. We should interlude the movies with some TV next. Star Trek, Friends, and Buffy are on the top of that list,” Toni mused, scrolling through the list on her pad.

“I felt like a real modern person today. Someone made an “I am Spartacus” joke and I got it, ” Steve said, leaning close to her. Toni felt her heart skip a beat. Ah, fuck, she thought, looking back at him. 

“I told you knowledge of movies was important.”

“I know that I agreed to do it. But why don’t we talk about how I don’t know politics or history?”

“Well for one, when watching old movies you do get a window into the political environment they were created in. I mean, Doctor Strange Love is coming up and that’s all cold war, baby,” Toni said,.“And second, you don’t talk about religion or politics at the dinner table.”

“We’re eating lo mein on your couch,” Steve said, shaking his fork at her.

“Okay fine, JARVIS pause. What are your opinions on Geopolitics, Mr Rogers? Do you have a plan for peace in the Middle East? A way to ensure we don’t enter a new cold war with China or Iran? Are you planning on voting Democrat or Republican in the 2012 election?” Toni said holding her hand up as a mock microphone in his face.

Steve shook his head, “Haha very funny.”

“Then what did you mean?” Toni propped herself on one elbow, leaning into the couch, looking into his very blue eyes.

“Well. You know everything about me, and I know what movies you like, that you’re Howard's kid, you’re stupid rich, connected, and smart.”

“Well, there you go: I'm the full package. Good taste, good looks, lots of money and influence. What more could you need?” 

“Look, you’ve gotten past the recruitment posters. I want to get past your media facade.”

“So you ask me to talk about politics?’ Toni raised her eyebrows. 

“Well when I ask you about anything more personal you change the subject. Political opinions are important, not to mention I actually do have a deficit in history--SHIELD books only fill me in so much.”

“Okay, ask me something. I promise I won’t change the subject.”

“Are you planning to vote Democrat or Republican?” Steve mocked.

“Democrat obviously.” Toni shrugged, “It’s the lesser of two evils.”

“If you could meet a famous dead person who would it be?”

“My standard 20 questions answer used to be you. Guess I'll go James Madison so I can know the real ‘founders intent’ and rub it in every politician's face. Also Marilyn Monroe and Gene Rodenberry.” 

“I was your answer?” Steve asked, matching her leaning posture with his glass of soda in one hand.

“I mean yeah, I heard stories about you non-stop. I wanted to know the real truth.”

“How do I measure up?”

“Really well,” Toni said, head tilted a bit more towards his. 

They held that gaze for a beat too long. Toni cleared her throat and, sitting up, drank a gulp of coke. Why was he so hot? When did she get her teen self’s crush on him back? Shaking herself out her thoughts she turned back. “Let’s do Star Trek? it's one of my favourites.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

They ended up resting next to each other under blankets while the antics of Spock, Kirk and Bones played out. Toni managed to only talk through some of it. Mostly just to point how much Spock and Kirk definitely loved each other and to point out how bad yet still awesome the effects are. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni was woken up when her head slammed into the wall. She went on all fours and looked up to see Steve above her, panting. Her mind whirled as she gasped in air. Thankfully she didn’t have to do the de-escalation this time as Steve himself froze. 

“Oh god, Toni, I’m so sorry.”

“No problem, just, you know, headache,” Toni mumbled, pulling herself into a sitting position. “Can I ask why I was woken up with a rather large bang?”

“You were on top of me,” Steve explained.

“Well sorry for that. I didn’t know that triggered you. And sorry you had a nightmare.”

“I suggest we get ice,” JARVIS cut in, always the pragmatist.

Toni and Steve were back on the couch facing each other, Toni holding an ice pack to her head. 

“You should get the blanket back on you Steve, you’re shaking again. JARVIS, bring the temp up.”

“How can you worry about that? I threw you into a wall.”

“I hit Rhodey and spilt whisky on his shirt because he walked up on me after a nightmare. I know how bad these things can get. I’m not going to be the one who lets Captain America fall apart.”

“I’m not going to fall apart, I'm made of sterner stuff than that. You just...get through this stuff, you have to. Soldiers can’t fall apart. ”

Toni hummed and took his hand in hers. She really hoped he might think this was because she had a concussion later. 

“Pepper’s going to have a fit--when I get a headache I hate lights. So when I show up dizzy and don’t take my sunglasses off inside she’s gonna assume I have a hangover.”

“Just tell her what happened.”

“Yeah, but I'll have to get her death glare first.”

“That woman sure has a death glare.”

They sunk into the couch, the edge of the sun was over the beach and the room glowed just a bit. She loved this. Looking out, the ocean was on fire and God, it was pretty. Even with her throbbing head, she wanted to pause this moment; Steve’s hand in hers, his body framed by sunlight and the ocean. It was a wonderful image. 

“You know Toni, you look really nice right now.”

“With messed up hair and my Nirvana shirt?”

“Yes.”

Then what Toni was half sure was a dream happened. Steve’s lips met her, but a dream or not, it was nice. Sooner than Toni would have liked, he pulled back and went red.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. That was inappropriate.”

Instead of responding, Toni leaned forward, dropping the ice pack and wrapping her arms around his neck, pushing her lips into his. He kissed back, leaning in and holding her by the waist. Hot breath and tandem motion lasted a long moment before they parted, breathing heavy. 

“Wow,” Steve breathed.

“I like wow,” Toni laughed, leaning her head into his. 

“We should do that again.”

“I have no objections,” Toni whispered, pulling him back towards her. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni bounced up to Pepper the next day.

“You got something good for RND?” Pepper asked. “New robot?”

“Nope.”

“New Iron Queen Suit?”

“Nope.”

“Rhodey back?”

“Nope.”

“So what?” Pepper crossed her arms, tilting her head.

“I kissed Captain America,” Toni grinned.

“You what?” Pepper said, shutting the door to her office.

“I made out with Captain America multiple times, and he kissed me goodbye.”

“It’s not boring anymore,” Pepper laughed.

“Nope.” Toni smiled again, “I can’t stop smiling, what is this?”

“You’re happy Toni.”

“Wild, right?”

##  ~~~~~

The day in RND and tele-meetings with the sites in France, Germany, and Switzerland all went well. At least, she figured they did. Her attention was a bit split. It was kind of crazy, she had never focused this much on a make-out session, consensual ones, at least. On warm, exuberant, and exciting kisses, instead of stolen, desperate, and compulsive ones. 

As she was leaving Pepper caught up with her. “You really think you can avoid introducing me to him?"

“You’ve met him.”

“As a possible SHIELD robot, not as the man you apparently spent hours sucking face with.”

“Gross Pepper, it wasn't like that. And can confirm, not a robot.”

“What was it like?”

They slid into the car with Happy in the driver's seat.

“My place, Hap.”

“You won’t get out of telling me what had happened.”

“We fell asleep on the couch and then both woke up, like, right at sunrise. We were talking and everything was bathed in that right-at-dawn orange light over the ocean and he told me I looked pretty and then he kissed me. And then we just spent a while doing that, ya know? It was just really amazing, Pepper,” Toni sighed.

“I can tell, you sound like a teenager.”

“I never got to be a real teenager with like, kissing and crushes and stuff. Let me live.”

“I am Toni. I’m happy for you.”

“But you’re gonna come inspect him anyway?”

“If I was dating someone you haven't met yet you would want to check them out.” 

“We’re not dating yet,” Toni defended, but it sounded weak even to her. 

“I don’t think Capitan America is one for just messing around,--he is from the 40s.” 

“I’m pretty sure people had affairs in the 40s.”

“The first week you lived together you said you felt like a married couple,” Pepper pointed out. 

“I’m not gonna turn him down if that’s what he wants. But it’s up to him, I mean, he’s the one way out his element, being in the future and all. I don’t want to force him into anything.”

“One solo lunch meeting with the board says he already assumes you’re dating.”

“Deal.”

##  ~~~~~

“Steve you home?” Toni called pushing the door.

“Toni,” Steve jumped up, kissing Toni hello, making her blush.

“You did kiss Capitan America,” Pepper said.

“Oh hello, I didn't know you were coming. Nice to see you again, Ms. Potts.”

“Yes, likewise. How’s SHIELD.”

“Good, Stark Industries?”

“Well. We’ve made good progress in the hospital project we announced.”

“That’s good.”

“You are so boring. It’s a good day, let's all have a meal together. Like we’re all friends or something,” Toni suggested, dragging Steve with her to the kitchen. 

“What are you thinking of making?” Steve asked.

Toni then described the recipe showing on her screens in vivid detail. 

Pepper watched their mutually starstruck expressions from the edge of the kitchen island. It was cute, and the idea this could actually be real was alluring. Someone else who cared about Toni was always good, and if they got along, Pepper would have three superhero friends. An equally exciting and terrifying proposition. 

Pepper slid on the stool next to Steve, 

“So, what are your intentions with Toni?”

“I’m sorry?” Steve said, startled.

“Pepper!” Toni groaned.

“Rhodey isn’t here to ask it, so I have to,” Pepper shrugged.

“‘I’m not sixteen’-- isn’t that what you're always trying to tell me?” Toni complained.

“Yeah, but Rhodey is right; you're always going to be the kid of the group.” Pepper smiled, “So the question stands: what are you playing at?”

“Well, I guess it’s to go steady with her?” Steve answered slowly. 

Pepper burst out laughing, it was what she’d expected, but it was also freaking hilarious for him to put it like that. 

“What?” Steve looked to Toni for help.

“Ah, Pep, don’t laugh at him. It’s cute.” 

“Yeah. Also, I won, you have to have lunch with the board tomorrow.”

“Fine.” 

“Wait, you bet on what I would say?” Steve pouted. 

“Yeah, we did. I knew you would have already decided you were dating. Toni wasn’t sure,” Pepper shrugged, mentally planning if she could get Nicolas to have a lunch date. 

“Really Toni, what did you think?” 

“I don’t know. ‘We kissed’ doesn't automatically mean ‘we’re dating.’” Toni said, focusing on her fingernails. 

“Well, yes. But I guess we had already been on a few dates anyway.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Watching movies at my house isn’t a date,” Toni explained. “If that was the criteria, I would have been on dates with Pep, Rhodey and JARVIS, all of whom I have never dated, and not with any of the people I’ve had sex with.”

“That’s just a sad commentary on your sex life,” Pepper teased. 

  
  


Toni looked at Pepper, who had a smile and Steve, who was slightly blushing but didn't seem upset. And she let herself feel good, and safe, for now.


	23. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Canon typical violence, past child abuse, past domestic violence, past self-harm, flashbacks
> 
> Playlist   
> Songs:  
> 67-69  
> [YouTube Playlist ](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)  
> [Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp)  
> 

Toni felt slightly nauseated as she flew through the mountains of Sokovia, still working to pull her weapons from the hands of a fascist militia. The sighting had pinged this morning after Steve had already left, making it easy to immediately get in her suit and go. Flying at Mach speeds across the world was exhausting but she had to do it. Letting people die, knowing she played a hand in their deaths, made her feel worse than the headache she now had. 

A large building was in front of her, surrounded with barbed wire fencing but only defended by a few men. 

“What am I looking at, J?”

“Concrete walls, with reinforced floors above what should be their cache.”

“Arms don’t look that impressive.”

“Records show they should cause minimal damage.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

Flying over the militia's heads was easy, with Toni only attracting minimal shots that ricocheted off the metal plating. Making her way through the doors and floors took longer than she’d hoped, but thankfully no people were stationed with the weapons, allowing her to blow it all up then and there. 

Raising her repulser, she breathed in and took the shot--right as JARVIS started to tell her to stop. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni sat up coughing, her ears ringing loudly as the world spun. Looking around, she saw her faceplate laying next to her--a few pieces of metal were scattered around, but overall her armour had held up. Pushing herself fully up, she took in some slow breaths. Her chest and pelvis hurt like a bitch. 

Luckily, when she reattached her faceplate JARVIS was even able to link up.

“J, good to see you,” Toni sighed.

“You have suffered damage.”

“That’s obvious. What went wrong?”

“There were high explosives planted amongst the SI weapons. Our calibrations were off .”

“Damn,” Toni hissed, stepping through the chunks of concrete, metal, wood and bodies. 

“How long was I out?”

“The connection was severed for three and a half hours.”

“Well, at least we can get out of here.”

“You have just enough power to make it back. Though this armour will require massive repairs before you should attempt to use it again.”

“I’ll build a new one,” Toni muttered. 

She almost fell asleep flying on the way home. Her mostly crash-landing sent her tumbling on the platform, the dismantling armour falling around her. 

“What the hell were you doing!” Steve yelled, reaching to grab her shoulders.

“I don’t have time for this,” Toni hissed, pushing him away.

“You just disappeared! Pepper and Happy haven’t heard from you and your stupid supercomputer refuses to tell me where you are.”

“I was not able to contact Toni until she was conscious and alert. I meant to protect Toni and I have,” JARVIS informed them, a bit offended.

“No, that’s not good enough. Where were you?” Steve demanded, holding her wrist in his hands. 

“I was in Sokovia, destroying the weapons stockpiles of a bunch of fascists,” Toni explained, eyes going to the ceiling--why won’t he just leave it alone? 

“Why would you do that with zero back up? No wonder it didn’t work!”

“It did work, thank you very much. I got a little blown up, but I'll live,” Toni placated, trying to shake him off. Why did people think grabbing her would do anything good?

“Really? Cause you look like hell warmed over.”

“And I feel like it.” The numbness that had consumed her in the snow and air gave way to immense pain everywhere. Breathing felt like being burned and stabbed; she’d bruised her ribs.

“Okay, priorities: what do you need?” Steve relented. 

“Please, Steve, let me go,” Toni said quietly. “You’re pressing on a bruise.”

Steve thankfully obliged and Toni half-walked, half-fell onto her couch, letting out a gasp of pain. Kicking off her shoes was as far as she got before sweet oblivion swallowed her. 

##  ~~~~~

Toni opened her eyes to find she had a blanket over her and an ice pack on her side.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Steve asked, sitting in front of her brushing her hair out of her eyes.

“Sore, but I’m gonna be okay. I’ve had much worse.” Toni sat, up wincing at the pain in her pelvis.

“What happened?”

“Got blown up, there were more explosives than I’d calculated for. But at least the base got shattered. Serves them right,” Toni shrugged, wincing as she did.

“You really should have invited me. Beating up fascists is like, my whole deal,” Steve said, taking her hand in his. 

“Oh yes, I've seen--was it 200 times you punched Hitler?”

“I was thinking about all the Hydra agents and Nazis I killed.”

“Yeah?” Toni replied leaning in to kiss him. Basking in the safety of his warmth. 

Pulling apart, Steve laid his forehead on hers. ‘“You know, that may distract me, but--”

They kissed harder, Toni pulling Steve to the couch. 

“I’m not gonna forget that you ran off without me.”

Toni huffed, pulling apart. “The weapons out there are from Stark Industries, are my fault. I designed most of them, and they landed in the wrong hands while I was in charge. You’re not gonna go getting yourself hurt because of my screw-ups.”

“Toni, getting hurt would be my choice. You don't decide that for me. And I love you, I want this to work but it’s only going to if you let me in,” Steve instructed her with a piercing gaze.

Really, that sentence said a lot. But her brain was stuck because... he said he loved her. And imagine that, Captain America loved  _ her _ . The man she had spent years wanting to be there, trying to live up to. Could he actually love her? The massive fuck up, who disappointed everyone all the time. Not possible, right? She was never going to be good enough for him, she was stupid, reckless, selfish, slutty, and not worth his time.

“You love me?” Toni said in a low voice.

“Well, yeah.” Steve blushed, staring at his laced fingers.

“Why?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re you. The bravest person Peggy knew, the man who killed Red Skull, the leader of the Howling Commandos, the one who’s always standing up to bullies and is, frankly, incredibly handsome. Howard loved you more than anything.” Toni stood up, her hands gesticulating wildly as she spoke.

“I’m flattered Toni, but what does that have to do with me being in love with you?”

“Everything. You really shouldn’t be in love with me,” Toni explained, hands dropping to her sides. 

“Well, you don’t get to decide that. I don’t really get a say either-- I don't think that’s how any of that works.”

Toni let out a dry laugh. “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’re any good for you. I’ve loved people who were not right. Nothing works out that perfectly just because you love someone.”

“What are you talking about Toni? Stop talking nonsense.”

“Steve, I'm not good enough for you. I want to be. I really wish I was. No one falls in love with me, and that’s fair; I would screw it all up. I don’t know how to do it right, I mess it all up. Where is this going? How would we even go forward? Do you want to date Iron Queen? That's not safe...” Toni’s feet backed her into the wall.

“Toni.” Steve stood up, taking her hands in his. “I don’t know why you think you’re not good enough. When I was a jerk, you still tried to be kinder than anyone since I woke back up. You have been nothing but good to me.”

“Steve...”

“No, listen; you can talk all you want but only one question counts. Do you love me?”

“Yes, yes I do,” Toni confirmed, looking up through her lashes.

“Then I think that’s what matters. I won’t make you do anything, it’s up to you; do you wanna give this a go?”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I love you so much, Steve.” 

Like a moment in a cheesy rom-com, Toni found herself half-lifted in the air, arms around Steve’s neck, lips pressed into each other. Hitting the feet landing of the ground she was laughing, tears still streaking down her face. The emotions were way too much on her still-exhausted body and she half-fell into Steve, who held her up easily.

“Can we lay down now?” Toni mumbled.

“Sure, you’ve probably worn yourself out. I'll take you to your bed--I’m sure your couch costs a fortune but the bed is still better.”

Steve carried her bridal style to her room and laid her down. 

“Stay with me?” Toni asked through half-closed eyes.

“Anything you want,” Steve whispered.

They curled around each other. That night, Toni had some of the best sleep of her life. 

##  ~~~~~

While cooking dinner Toni was musing on how the last week, minus being blown up, had been one of the best she had ever had. At this point, she was healed up and had spent the last couple days either with her bots, working on the New York project, or with Steve. Not being afraid of the person kissing her was new and she was pretty sure that it was one of the four best things she had ever felt. The four best experiences of her life were Rhodey telling her he would never give up on her, when JARVIS talked to her the first time, flying, and, now, trusting the person she kissed.

Even when she had just slept around, kissing hadn’t meant anything. She had been afraid of letting people in, and kissing had just been part of what she thought she had to do. And it was better than feeling nothing. Except then there was Ty, who had left her so broken, who had only treated her like arm candy, pulling her further into drinking and not eating. 

And, of course, Obie, who, God help her, she had actually loved. But she had always felt afraid, was always being used, was never herself. Toni liked to think he had loved her, just like she wanted to believe her mother and father had. But whether that was true for any of them or not was irrelevant now. 

Toni wasn’t afraid Steve was going to physically hurt her. Steve also wasn’t trying to have sex, which Toni had assumed would come pretty soon after he said he loved her. If it was good or bad, she couldn’t tell. Whatever he wanted to do, she was down, but the only romantic relationship she knew where people hadn’t had sex was between her mom and Howard. And that hadn’t turned out so great. But waiting also meant he liked her for not just her body. 

Really, this whole ‘someone seeming to like her’ was very confusing. 

Toni’s reflection was broken when JARVIS cut in-- 

“You’re burning the food.”

“Ah shit,” Toni exclaimed, pulling the skillet from the stove and burning her arm in the process of dropping it on the counter. Toni was running her arm under the cold water when Steve burst in. 

“Toni, you’ll never believe what happened!”

“What?” Toni called over her shoulder before looking back at the angry mark running through the scars crossing her forearm. 

“Wait, are you okay?” Steve came up behind, her putting his arm around her. 

“I burned my arm on the skillet.” 

“That looks painful.”

“Burns tend to be painful.”

Steve grabbed the first aid kit and helped her put some burn cream on it.

“I have a question.”

“Shoot,” Toni answered, knowing where this was going.

“You have a lot of scars on your arm.”

“Not a question.”

“They aren’t from one time. I figured they were from the Ten Rings incident, but you always wear long sleeves and I didn't get a good look till now. They aren’t from the kidnapping, are they?”

“No, those are all on my chest.”

“So what are they from?”

“I did them to myself. The one on my hand, too,” Toni muttered, pulling her arm back from him. 

“Why?”

“Why do you still scream at night?”

“The war.”

“Well, I never went to war. But when I was a kid I was around some people who were really not great. When my parents died, I went to live with my dad’s business partner and he was really a terrible person, my boyfriend sucked too,” Toni explained, sitting on the counter.

“Toni, I’m sorry.” 

Toni shrugged, “Got some issues from all of that. Never figured out how to deal with literally anything, nobody told me how to handle any of it.”

Steve looked pained, which immediately made her feel like the absolute worst.

“I didn’t mean to say so much.”

Seve’s hand turned into a fist next to him.

Toni curled into herself knowing she had flinched just a bit, why’d she do that? Being scared of Steve, she was pathetic.

“Oh, Toni, I'm not mad at you,” Steve said, stepping towards her. 

Toni couldn’t help but recoil more, her mind just kept seeing Howard yelling. She’d done something wrong, something bad again. Fucking up like she always did. Had to do what they wanted to get everything over with. To protect her mom. 

##  ~~~~~

“Captain Rogers, I suggest you back away. Touching Toni when she had flashbacks will likely make things worse,” JARVIS advised.

Steve listened to the computer--he felt severely out of his depth, and like a jerk for making her afraid. It was really hard to know what to do with her. He loved her so much but Toni was not exactly forthcoming. Part of it might have been his fault, believing the nonsense the SOBs in the media peddled. Making her out to be a disrespectful, self-absorbed rich girl. Someone who used people and slept around. Coming into her house and taking it for granted wasn’t the right foot to start off on. 

Her self-deprecation at the admission he had loved her had been very unexpected and coming off that to learn she hurt herself made it even more apparent he didn’t understand her yet. If she just let him in they wouldn’t be here right now. Steve told her what went down--well, except that the nightmares included Bucky falling every time. And the cold, that damn cold.

After what felt like a year, Toni stopped shaking and looked up at him, breathing ragged, eyes bloodshot. 

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what... I know you wouldn’t, but I just, couldn’t. Forgot where I was.”

“Toni, it’s okay. You’ve seen my issues, I'm not gonna judge you for yours.”

“I told you I wasn't good enough. Everyone knows I'm not worth much, told me enough.”

“Whoever told you that can go to hell. Honestly, give me a name and I'll punch them if you want.”

“Well, some are dead. The Iron Monger battle? Yeah, that was one of them, and you know how that ended. Ty is still alive but not worth it, and Agent Romanoff gave Hammer hell.”

“You know Agent Romanoff?” Steve cut in.

“Yeah, I told you I worked with SHIELD. She’s nice.”

“Nice?” Steve wrinkled his nose. Romanoff was an amazing Agent, and a very respectable woman, but nice?

“Yes, she was sent to spy on me but went to a party, got drunk, and treated me like a person. She’s scary as all hell and I don't trust her, but she’s nice.”

“I trust her, she’s a mighty fine Agent.”

“Hmm, don’t care about that,” Toni said, hesitating visibly to push past him into the living room, looking more at his hands than his face the whole time. Toni sat on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest.

Faltering, Steve weighed asking her more about what was scaring her or trying to talk about anything else. Might as well talk about his work, it was unlikely Toni was going to let him in anymore tonight. Frustrating as it might be.

“Speaking of SHIELD, they're letting me go on a real mission.”

Toni turned to him, narrowing her eyes. “How are they gonna keep you a secret then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You kind of stand out with the stars and stripes painted all over you.”

Steve snorted, fair point. “I’m not actually a secret by rule Toni. You’re right, though, I do stand out in a crowd.”

“Be careful, Steve,” Toni said, moving closer to him. “ SHIELD has some okay people but in the end, they care about their goals more than they care about us.”

“Toni, you defended them to Ms. Potts,” Steve sighed.

“No, I said I knew you were real. I never said anything about SHIELD.”

It was hard sometimes talking to people who weren't soldiers. He wasn’t blindly loyal, but SHIELD was one of the few organizations that made any sense. They deserved some degree of respect. It was hard to explain, but after fighting for the U.S. and working Ops with teams it was clear. It was what he was made to be doing, 

“You’re not one of us. I get you don’t understand. But I know working with SHIELD is right, at least for now. It’s the way I can keep being Captain America, and that matters to me.”

“Okay. When are you leaving?” Toni took his hand, leaning into him. 

“Two days.”

Toni hummed. “Just come home; I can't lose you. I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	24. Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: dissociation, mentions of disordered eating 
> 
> Playlist:  
> Songs 70&71
> 
> [YouTube Playlist ](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCkYERmUg_SujdhoDUE5FwUhqCV6WOaRW)
> 
> [Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6wbyLmYBQ6whMpqbo0pp?si=3ff629a16ec944e9)

Starting the day Steve left for his mission Toni felt like she was moving through molasses, but she had plenty of work to keep her busy. She had two board meetings and three project meetings with the R&D team in the first four days he was gone. As well as having to review prototypes. And in between that she did maintenance on her Iron Queen suite or played with the bots. 

She was proud to say while she might have been half dissociated the whole time she did not break down. And managed to even eat and sleep. When Rhodey had first left her she had fallen completely apart but she was more grown-up now. And had ya know things worth doing and people other than Steve who she loved. Unlike back then not to mention her therapist said she was less depressed now so winning?

##  ~~~~~

“Ms Toni. The SHIELD Quinjet signals have been detected off the coast.” JARIS chirped to a Toni who was sitting on the floor tossing a ball to Fido and DUME

“Steve?” Toni asked the ball dropping causing the bots to crash into each other. 

“That is my assumption.”

He could be coming home, good. Steve was safe, which eased her anxiety. Now she could go back to the new routine she would feel more present. She should do something with him coming back, make sure he would know Toni cared. Being away getting shot at sucked, like major sucked. Not to mention if he knew that she was grateful for him to be home he would want to always come back, and not like go to SHIELD full time or leave her for someone else. 

People did nice things for people they liked, she usually forgot to do them but it really ought to do better. Food first, something his mom used to make maybe? Soups were really popular then, and then maybe some bread pudding. Cooking would also ground her. 

Though first, she should clean Toni decided coming up to see the living room disorganized, hopefully, his debrief would take a long time.

Cooking next, that did a lot to make her feel present. The fog of the last few days dissipated. With the soup set to simmer Toni put on new clothes and picked up her room. The pudding would have to be made closer to him being home. 

“Can you project candles?” Toni asked, placing a screen projector on the table.

“Of course.” JARVIS Chirped. 

Owning candles always seems like a bad plan, considering she always forgot stuff and really didn’t want to burn the whole house down, hopefully, this would be good enough for Steve. Proper fancy plates were also something she lacked, china or classic stoneware, they all made her think of her mother and Jarvis, not a great plan. She did have a modern art style ceramic that was made to be almost neon bright. Not traditionally fancy but they were really expensive so it should count. She did have classic champagne flutes though, so that part should look right. And lastly, she put out bread and butter like a proper meal. 

Her mother and Ana might not love the plates but she remembered the proper way to put out silverware so at least she wouldn’t disgrace them. And Mama Rhodes would laugh at her for being so formal. So who the fuck knew if this was right or not but at least her food smelled nice. 

Toni had just put the pudding in the oven when Steve’s voice rang out, 

“Hey, Toni!”

Toni walked over kissing him deeply, the physical touch scratching some of the film of dissociation from her body. 

“Welcome home,” Toni said when they came up for air. 

“What’s all this?” Steve asked, walking with his arms still around her.

“I made soup, and I got some bread pudding started. And I set the table.”

“You look beautiful too.” Steve leaned down to kiss her again, “and it smells great.”

Toni pulled back a bit, “I’ll serve it? You can get washed up if you want.”

“Do I stink?” Steve laughed his eyes, dancing wonderfully.

“What? no, I just thought you might want to after probably not having a shower like ours. I have a really cool soap.”

Steve just laughed again, “Yeah I'll get cleaned up. You really sound like a wife you know.”

Toni tilted her head, a weird comment but hopefully good and not saying she was nagging him or something. Shaking herself out of another thought spiral she ladled the soup into bowls turning the eye off, hey she remembered good. 

“Set the timer for the pudding. I forgot that.” 

“I already did that Ms Toni” JARVIS informed her.

“Oh, Wonderful,” Toni mumbled, she pulled the champagne from the fridge bringing it to the table. 

“Music?” Toni asked JARVIS who played a low melody.

Toni looked at the food in front of her rubbing her lockets under her fingers. 

“Wow, you went all out.” Steve sat across from her leaning to kiss her the damp fringe of his hair hitting her forehead.

Toni smiled, “Everything good?”

“It’s amazing Toni.” 

Steve closed his eyes to pray, he was a very pretty picture in the flickering blue light of JARVIS’s digital candles with only very dim lighting from the moon and lowered lights. When he looked back up, Toni was distracted by his eyes. 

Steve cracked the seal on the champagne and Toni jumped brought back from her trance. 

“Cheers. To us and giving it a go.” Steve held up his glass in a toast.

“Cheers.” Toni echoed, “I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Oh yeah missing you was hell.”

“Did everything go okay?” Toni asked, really hoping the answer was yes.

“The objective was completed with minimal damage and no fatalities.” Steve recited.

“Yuck don’t protocol me.”

“Yeah okay, I’m alright. Nobody got killed and we did what we had to.”

“Nobody dying is a good win.”

Steve nodded and they ate the soup in quiet for a few minutes Toni already having to refill Steve’s bowl. The silence was broken by Steve.

“This is a lot like my Ma’s,” Steve said into his refilled bowl.

“Well, I did base it off of the 30s/40s tradition. Thought it would make it like coming home, though I did add some more species.”

“It’s really nice. I appreciate it.”

“I want you to feel at home here, to want to come back here.”

“I do. It felt like coming home when I walked to your door. Being back in the field was good. It's what I meant to do. But having you makes dealing with being in this crazy new world worth it.”

“That’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.”

Steve just grinned returning to his food and Toni leaned on her hand watching him. 

JARVIS’s alarm rang out and Toni pulled the pudding out, she let it cool for a bit while Steve finished his soup there was a dream-like feeling all around. Floaty but not oppressive.

Eating the desert went quickly after that. Toni only ate enough to make sure it was actually good, and to be polite and not make him ask questions. But not feeling like vomiting that night was low on her list of goals. Focusing on Steve and feeling good not trying to think about how much food she’d eaten. Really Toni focus, she chided herself. 

After a long sugar-sweet kiss Steve spun her under his hand, “I got the dishes you make us what do you call it? A playlist?”

“What for?”

“Dancing of course.” They shared another quick kiss. 

Toni did as suggested mixing in the best romantic songs she knew. Swaying to it on her own that cheesy quote about the words not making sense till you feel in love had never been more true. Steve pulled her into his arms and they started to spin together. Giggling filled the air as he knocked her back both almost falling over. Steve had almost no rhythm but the feelings of hope and joy set to the gooey love songs were more important than not stepping on her toes.

The song slid into a slow one and they leaned into each other slowly turning on the spot. 

“I love you so much, Toni,” Steve said into her ear.

“ I love you too. I’d do anything for you, Steve. Hope you know that.” Toni whispered back, holding him as close to her as she could.

“You’re sweet,” Steve said into her neck.

The slow spinning decreased till they were static, when the song ended Steve pulled apart from her. Eye contact was held and in a flash, Steve was pulling his own shirt off and Toni’s heart pulled into her throat. But as he moved to undo her buttons her own hands dropped to her skirt sliding it off. 

A flurry of losing clothes and fervent kisses brought them to Toni’s room where she had to undo her own bra as Steve was incredibly horrible at it which sent them into laughter, laughter during making out was surprisingly amazing. 

Quickly everything fell into the best sex Toni had ever had, not particularly inventive but bing in sync was beautiful. The intensity was high but fear stayed away, her mind turned into a blur of heat and smiles and hands and lips and every part of each other. 

Steve came and laid his head next to hers in the pillow and laughed a bit.

Turns out fucking was like kissing, better when you weren’t afraid of the person you were doing it with. 

They fixed their position so they were both on their side and Steve had Toni held against his chest. 

“You’re amazing,” Steve said into her neck.

“Not bad yourself” Toni murmured into her pillow. 

Steve seemed to drift off for a bit and Toni had to extricate herself a bit turning so she was facing him. Hot breath on her neck even with knowing nothing was going to happen was still a lot. Toni studded his face intently Both 93 and 28, hero, legend, normal man with nightmares. He was the most amazing person Toni knew, well tied with Rhodey and Peggy. 

He stirred awake sitting against the headboard and his hands graced her arc reactor. He hadn’t mentioned it, that had been good, not mentioned any of the ways her story was written on her body. Scratching up arms and hands, torn up chest some sacred areas around the rest of her body from the various iron queens and accidents in the lab. She hadn’t even thought to cover any up with makeup that night, and no NDA would need to be drawn up. 

Steve too seemed to need a little while to think not looking at her. 

“How you feeling.” Steve broke the silence pulling her over so she was held on his lap. 

“Great, really great,” Toni mumbled, laying her head on his chest. 

“I’d agree. You know that was my first time like this.” He mused.

Momentary alarm hit her, did he mean ever? That didn’t track he hadn’t been nervous. 

“The army stuff got intense so I’m not, you know a virgin.” His eyes glanced down momentarily worried “I never found the right girl at the right time to do it with.”

“I get that. A lot of hot men around not as many girls.“

“Guess it was something we all knew but didn’t say it. Funny to think about losing my virginity to another man. If that counts.” Steve frowned.

“Doesn’t matter much. You just get to try it all out. They all have their unique joys.”

“Oh right... This is the first time it involved candles and dancing too. My first time was with a soldier when we had a break in the fighting.” Steve reminisced.

Toni just watched him talking, noticing him drift back in time.

“It’s funny how much all of that is so ingrained in me. But right now it was all about you, not about avoiding or forgetting. I remember though after what the commandos seeing the civilians Hydra had messed with. More than one fell in bed with another soldier or a nurse just to deal with.”

He glanced down at Toni, “Now though you were all I was thinking of. It’s just amazing.”

“I like thinking of you too,” Toni added, not sure what you say to the rest of it. Rubbing circles into his arms that held her firmly into him. “I’m not scared when I’m with you.”

“You don’t have to be afraid.” Steve murmured into the top of her head, “You and me together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yay finally got this chapter up!
> 
> Let me know what yall think, I live for your feedback!


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